Nonverbal Manipulation
When we talk about the power of words, we often forget about the nonverbal side of communication. In some situations, a person’s posture, gestures, and tone of voice can determine whether communication happens at all, and how it unfolds. Here’s a story that illustrates this point. The person involved was familiar with NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), so he noticed some characteristic details. I’ve tried to tell the story in a way that lets you notice them too.
“Are you interested in printing services?”
I stopped. Honestly, I hadn’t even looked at the booth—I was just walking by, lost in thought, staring right through it. By this point, I’d already spent two hours at the exhibition and picked out several printing companies we’d work with, so all I cared about now was getting some coffee.
“No, thank you.”
The thick stack of promotional samples in my hands didn’t exactly support my words. The young man deliberately glanced at them.
“Then let me just give you a folder to make it easier for you to store your samples.”
That was a nice gesture. I agreed and approached the booth. The consultant disappeared behind the counter for a moment, then reappeared with a folder and handed it to me with a friendly smile.
“Here you go!”
I wanted to put my samples in the folder right away, but realized I didn’t have enough hands.
“Let me help you.”
He gracefully opened the folder, moved to my left side, shoulder to shoulder with me, and carefully held it under my hands with the samples. All I had to do was let go. For a moment, it felt like this was the most convenient folder in the world.
He gently closed the folder with the samples inside, and while still standing to my left, turned the folder over and pointed to a chart on the back.
“These are our service rates. Everything you need is here.” I tilted my head slightly to look at the numbers, and he instinctively did the same.
“Any sample in this folder, we can produce for you at the highest quality.” With these words, he carefully, almost reverently, handed the folder to me. Automatically, I took it just as carefully.
“And what about turnaround times?” I asked, making it clear by my tone that this was my final question.
“Our turnaround times will pleasantly surprise you. You can count on it.” He ended his sentence with the same tone, and smiled warmly once more as we said goodbye.
As I made my way to the exit, several more consultants tried to stop me near other printing booths, handing me their brochures and calling out to me. But either they were outside my reality, or the closed folder silently said “enough,” or maybe it was something else…
A week later, my boss called me in and said we urgently needed 300,000 brochures for a marketing campaign with set dates, and he wanted to hear from me that the brochures would be ready. Back in my office, I took out the folder from the exhibition and opened it. Of all the promises made by the printing companies, I only needed one thing now—a guarantee that the materials would be ready on time. Of course, everyone always promises that, but I’ve worked with printers before. So my only real criterion for a guarantee was my trust in the company—or more precisely, in its representative.
I remembered only one person whose interaction made me feel comfortable and gave me a deep, inexplicable sense of trust. I closed the folder and turned it over to read the phone number.
The Secret of Success: Building Rapport
As you can see, in this story, the consultant didn’t have a chance to talk much to convince the person to become a client. He didn’t need to. He knew exactly what he wanted, how to achieve it, and didn’t do anything unnecessary. What was the secret to his success? Let’s break it down.
He managed, in just a few seconds, to join the person’s reality and remain a part of it in their memory. How did he do it? Just one thing: he created quality rapport.
Rapport is a term from NLP. It means a state of unconscious trust that unites people into a single system. In other words, rapport creates a sense of connection between people, making their relationship closer and more trusting on an unconscious level. Remember how Mowgli said, “We be of one blood, you and I”? Rapport carries the same idea, but at the level of unconscious neuro-processes.
Rapport isn’t artificial. It’s a completely natural psychological mechanism found in all living beings, allowing them to sense who is “one of us” and who isn’t. All people (and animals) use it instinctively and effortlessly. What NLP did was make this mechanism conscious and teach people to manage it, so you can quickly become “one of us” with anyone. In Ericksonian hypnosis, this mechanism is called “joining the client’s reality,” or simply “joining.”
In all NLP techniques, rapport is step number one. That’s natural, because without establishing contact and trust, you simply can’t work with a person. The same goes for any good communication. So if there’s misunderstanding or tension in a relationship, the first thing to check is whether rapport has been lost. If it’s not strong enough, you can simply strengthen it, and mutual understanding will follow. In areas like business communication and seduction, rapport is one of the key “tools” for success. You probably already realized that from the example above. So how does rapport work? What creates such quick and deep connection to the client’s reality?
Five Principles of Rapport
- Attention. The first thing you need for rapport is the person’s attention. If you don’t get their attention, even for a second, everything you do will pass by as background noise. In the example, the consultant’s first phrase had only this goal. As soon as he got the client’s attention, he used the second principle.
- Focus on the client’s reality and genuine involvement. Remember how the consultant deliberately looked at the thick stack of samples in the client’s hands, showing he saw the “problem,” and immediately offered a solution? Instead of pushing his own agenda, he adapted to the client’s situation and environment.
- Utilizing objections. At the same stage, the consultant also applied the third principle. When faced with a “no, thank you,” he didn’t argue, but gently redirected with a suggestion starting with “then.” No problem—let’s approach it from another angle. Rapport often breaks when there’s disagreement and neither side seeks consensus. Rapport is a shared direction among people, so mutual agreement is its very nature.
- Similarity or matching. This is the most important principle. Without the first three, it can’t exist, but this is what creates unconscious trust. When the consultant stood to the client’s left, shoulder to shoulder, and held the folder under his hands, it might seem the main goal was to create comfort. That was part of it, but the main goal was matching. The consultant mirrored the client’s posture, hand position, and when the client tilted his head to look at the numbers, the consultant “instinctively” did the same. By matching posture, gestures, and movement rhythm, he was nonverbally saying, “I’m just like you, I understand you.” These matches in nonverbal details create the feeling of “one of us.” It shouldn’t be a one-time thing, but a similarity maintained throughout the interaction. Matching posture, gestures, facial expressions, movement rhythm, and even tone of voice makes us feel that the other person is like us. But don’t confuse this with full “mirroring” (which doesn’t work as well), and especially not with parodying, which distorts the person’s mannerisms. Similarity means “almost.”
- Positive state. When rapport is deep enough, unconscious signs of the reverse process appear—leading. Matching and leading are two sides of the same coin: if one leads, the other matches, and vice versa. Remember how the consultant carefully handed the folder to the client, and the client automatically took it just as carefully? The client’s unconscious mind repeated the consultant’s behavioral style. At that moment, rapport worked in reverse—the client’s unconscious began to match on its own, without conscious effort. That’s when you know the goal is achieved, though it may happen even earlier. The fifth principle is a positive state. If behavioral characteristics are transmitted automatically and unconsciously in rapport, then emotional state is even more so. Do you think someone’s unconscious will want to match a state worse than its own? Of course not! But it will gladly match a better state to feel better itself. That’s why the consultant smiled warmly twice, marking especially important moments in the interaction. This allowed him to transmit his positive state to the client, connecting it with the gifted folder and himself. It reinforced the sense of trust and helped the client remember the consultant better than anyone else a week later. People like positivity—what can you do?