NLP: Protecting Personal Boundaries
Personal space refers to the territorial boundaries of both your personality and your body. The desire to have your personal boundaries respected at all times and by everyone has become mainstream. Everyone who has caught on to this trend now insists that their personal space not be violated, that their interests be considered everywhere and always, and that their boundaries be strictly observed. Yet, these same people often violate others’ boundaries just as easily and casually. That’s why both those who are relaxed about their own boundaries and those who guard them anxiously—like a sunhat on the beach—face the same questions: What is actually normal? When is it important to defend your boundaries, and when should you let your big ego step aside? It’s not easy to figure out, but let’s try.
Personal space is the territorial boundary of your personality and your body—a set of principles and rules you consider normal for yourself, based on your cultural and moral values. These may be constant for you, but not always for those around you.
Physical and Cultural Aspects of Personal Space
When talking about personal boundaries, it’s important to understand that for many people, physical boundaries are primary. Many people have a hard time tolerating the close presence of strangers, try to move away or avoid crowded places and tight spaces. But even this seemingly individual preference is layered with cultural influences.
Take densely populated Japan, for example. Just watch a YouTube video of people being packed into the Tokyo subway to see that someone with strict personal boundaries would struggle there. Yet, the Japanese manage. Meanwhile, in vast America—with its highways, huge cars, stand-alone houses, and private bathrooms for every family member—there’s plenty of room for personal space to grow, shaping a culture that values respect for it. Still, in a personal conversation, a Japanese person and an American might feel extremely uncomfortable: one might be annoyed by the other’s tendency to step back during a conversation (perceived as disrespect), while the other is bothered by someone talking too close. These habits, rooted in national culture, can make mutual understanding difficult and hinder dialogue.
How Boundaries Are Violated
Our personal boundaries are usually violated by others in two situations: when seeking closeness or when displaying overt or covert aggression. In the first case, a person may be friendly, but that doesn’t mean the other is ready for such closeness or won’t perceive it as aggression. People who are sensitive to others try to get closer gradually, following unspoken rules. It would be odd to hug someone you just met, though many people are oblivious to such boundaries. It’s important to know that even a friendly gesture can be perceived as aggression—or actually be aggressive.
Manipulators and abusers often use psychological “tricks” to throw their victims off balance: touching them, placing their belongings in the victim’s space, moving objects closer, or putting their clothes on them.
It’s actually not hard to determine someone’s physical personal space: if you cross their invisible “line,” you’ll notice them freeze, then move away. If you don’t want to make them uncomfortable, stop—otherwise, the conversation won’t go well.
Beyond the Physical: Emotional and Psychological Boundaries
Besides physical space, people surround themselves with habits, moral beliefs, views, ethical norms, and principles. We’re aware not only of our physical separateness but also of our “self,” which means distinguishing our desires from others’, our feelings from others’ feelings, what irritates us from what brings us pleasure. Still, many people confuse their feelings with others’ or project their own onto others.
Personal boundaries are harder to define physically, but it’s easy to feel when they’re crossed.
For example, two friends meet, and one bluntly comments on the other’s figure, hairstyle, clothes, or opinions: “What’s with that silly dress?” “You still haven’t married him?” “Are you going to have kids or just keep playing with your dogs?” In such situations, you want to disappear and never see this “friend” again. By ignoring basic ethics and all imaginable boundaries, this person claims the right to decide what’s good or bad for you, how you should dress, look, and when to make life decisions. You can avoid such a friend, but what about people you live or work with?
These are the people who shamelessly eat your sandwich, use your mug, read your magazine first, scatter their socks, and leave hair in the bathroom—driving you crazy.
When Boundaries Are Crossed: A Literary Example
Somerset Maugham’s story “On the Edge of the Empire” describes two missionaries. One, Mr. Warburton, is a pedant and snob who receives a month’s worth of newspapers at once and reads them one per day, in the exact order they were published in England. This ritual is important to him. But one day, his assistant, Mr. Cooper, opens the latest paper first to read the freshest news, which infuriates Mr. Warburton. This story is a vivid example of how someone can react to the violation of their boundaries, routines, and comfort. By the way, Mr. Cooper’s fate wasn’t good. Constantly having our boundaries violated, especially when we can’t say “no,” leads to a buildup of discomfort that eventually explodes.
The Importance of Saying “No”
The ability to firmly say “no” to what makes us uncomfortable—and to those who cause us discomfort—is crucial for mental health. Often, the inability to say “no” stems from fear of losing the love and approval of important people: family, friends, bosses. People without boundaries are willing to spend their time, energy, and resources on those who trigger this fear, making others more important than themselves. Our “no” is a warning that we can take responsibility for our lives without merging with someone else’s identity.
Boundaries and Childhood
The ability to separate from a parent is also key in a child’s development, especially during adolescence, when negativity, protest, and resistance to parental authority are common. This period is necessary for forming one’s own desires and needs, distinguishing between self and others, trying different roles, and gaining personal experience.
Parents often violate the process of forming boundaries in children, justifying it by claiming they know what’s best. In reality, they ignore the child’s needs and desires, modeling boundary violations that can last a lifetime. A child whose feelings are ignored may struggle to form their own boundaries, lack self-confidence, have low self-esteem, and live by others’ scripts. Alternatively, such a child may become a manipulator, violating others’ boundaries, bullying, forcing others to do what they want, and feeding off the destructive energy this brings—yet still depending on those they manipulate.
How to Set and Maintain Boundaries
To form healthy boundaries, it’s important to declare them and make agreements with others about what matters to you. This can be an unspoken agreement based on ethical norms: don’t criticize, don’t give unsolicited advice, don’t interfere, don’t offer help unless asked. Or it can be a specific list of prohibitions to communicate to those who repeatedly violate your boundaries: “Please don’t come to my house without an invitation,” “Please don’t contact me about work on weekends,” “Please don’t buy me anything unless I ask,” “Please be on time when meeting with me.”
Remember the “Canadian wholesale companies” that used to push unwanted products and services on us? Do any of your loved ones invade your space with their rules and advice in the same way? Even if they’re close relatives, you have the right to say a firm “no.” But when you do, remember that caring for loved ones is natural, so your “no” shouldn’t include devaluation, criticism, blame, or resentment—these are forms of invading someone else’s space.
Healthy Boundaries: Flexibility and Compromise
Ultimately, personal space and boundaries are a phenomenon of modern culture, where neurotic reactions have become a sign of a healthy personality—one ready not only to defend their own boundaries but also to respect those of others. The main criteria for healthy boundaries are their flexibility and a person’s ability to compromise with themselves.