NLP Language Patterns: Techniques for Reframing and Persuasion

NLP Language Patterns and Persuasion Techniques

For reasons of safety and ethics, you shouldn’t use language patterns to undermine beliefs that may be beneficial to their holders. If someone believes they will succeed, let them believe it. But if someone is attacking you (or you just want to have some fun), language patterns are exactly what you need.

Ultimately, it all comes down to changing the frame of perception. You can either expand it to the point where the belief loses its meaning, narrow it, or shift it to other aspects of the situation. Your response should redirect attention away from a topic that’s uncomfortable for you. How you do this isn’t as important as the fact that you do it.

This is the most popular topic in NLP. In some teaching traditions, it’s studied in master-level courses and is one of the main reasons people attend (though, in reality, everyone teaches these patterns in their own way and calls them by different names).

Let me say right away: if you know how to use them, these techniques are not only fun but also very effective. All those considered good negotiators, charismatic people, and great speakers use these patterns, often unconsciously. You should strive to master them.

Language patterns can be used to shake someone’s confidence in their beliefs, but if you look at the origin—Richard Bandler—he used them playfully, to stump his conversation partners and easily steer away from topics he didn’t want to discuss.

So, the essence of language patterns is in shifting the focus of attention. You can do this subtly and imperceptibly, so the person doesn’t immediately realize the topic has changed, or you can do it boldly and assertively to seize the initiative while your conversation partner is still processing what you said. Let’s get to it!

Five Examples of Verbal Aggression and How to Handle Them

• Why don’t you give me flowers? Don’t you love me?
• These watches are too expensive; I can’t afford them.
• You hurt me with your silence.
• You’re late for work again!
• A good boss should care about their employees.

Frame Expansion

In a narrow frame, things often feel tight and predetermined. When someone tries to box you in, step outside the frame. “It’s not us—it’s life.”

• Love isn’t about gifts. It’s bigger than life itself.
• We only live once. It’s silly to deny ourselves the chance to enjoy life.
• I’m thinking about our relationship. It seems like you get upset over little things too often.
• Public transportation is so unpredictable that sometimes I just can’t time it right.
• We always expect care from our superiors, but what do we do to earn it?

Worldview Model

There are as many opinions as there are people. And some opinions are quite authoritative. You can always find an authority whose subjective reality is more favorable to you.

• There was a time when “If he hits you, it means he loves you” was considered true. You don’t want me to prove my love according to someone else’s beliefs, do you?
• If you plan to do business with serious people, you should know that they’ll judge you by your watch, too.
• Psychologists say you can’t be offended unless you choose to be.
• I also think a true patriot of their company should sleep at work to avoid being late.
• Our CEO believes a boss should only care about those who work better than others.

Consequences

It’s useful to point out the consequences of such statements and thoughts. Often, they’re so compelling that the discussion shifts to them instead.

• Do you think I’ll want to give you flowers after hearing that?
• Without an expensive watch, even an expensive suit doesn’t work.
• People who are always offended get nowhere.
• If we keep discussing my lateness, there won’t be any time left for work.
• So, does he end up doing everything himself?

Intention

People put meaning into their actions—or sometimes they don’t. Either way, you can always point out good intentions (or bad ones), depending on your goal.

• What do you want more: love or flowers?
• Do you want the watch or to save money?
• I’m just admiring your lips.
• Am I right in understanding that you want me to finish the work on time?
• Do you want the boss to stop working and start caring?

Hierarchy of Values

People love to talk about what’s important and compare priorities. Let them do that—just refer to higher values.

• What’s more important to you: my gifts or my love?
• Your social status is more important than the money you save.
• Is it more important for you to hear the truth or to enjoy my words?
• I think the quality of my work is more important than what time I arrive.
• Is it really appropriate to make such remarks to your boss?

Detailing

You can narrow the frame of perception so that the focus shifts away from what your opponent emphasized.

• What kind of flowers would prove my love: roses, carnations, or gladioluses?
• Just look at how beautiful the watch face is!
• By my posture? My facial expression?
• Yes, by 4 minutes and 12 seconds.
• Just today, I talked the boss out of sending you on a business trip to the Kuril Islands.

Clarification

You’re not arguing—you’re clarifying. You sincerely try to understand by asking for details.

• How are flowers and love connected?
• What amount were you expecting?
• What should I say to make you feel better?
• What do you consider being late?
• And how should that be shown?

Measurability

A good way to deflate grand statements is to apply a scale or measurable criterion. Get your ruler ready!

• How do you usually measure love: in dollars, in items, in gifts per day?
• At what number does “expensive” start?
• And how many seconds have you been upset?
• How do you distinguish between being late and being delayed?
• How do you measure care: in dollars or in days off?

Counterexample

Logic says: one counterexample disproves a generalization. Find an exception and you’re set!

• I kissed you, so I love you.
• Haven’t you ever bought something on credit that you couldn’t afford right away?
• Yesterday, my silence didn’t upset you.
• But yesterday I was on time.
• Henry Ford didn’t care, but he was a good boss.

Applying to the Other Person

What if you turn the criticism back on them? Like “lazy to be lazy,” “afraid to be afraid,” “boasting about modesty”… In short, “don’t blame the mirror if your face is crooked.”

• It seems to me that by saying such things, you don’t love me.
• Not wanting to treat yourself can be costly.
• It hurts me more when people get upset with me over little things.
• Isn’t it too late to talk about being late? It can’t be fixed now.
• Are those the words of a subordinate?

Reciprocal Reference Index

If you switched places, would the statement still hold? Rarely. People usually give themselves more rights, but they get caught on the value of fairness.

• So, if you don’t give me gifts every week, does that mean you don’t love me?
• If you were selling a good product, would you ask less than the purchase price?
• So when you’re silent, do you want to hurt me?
• Has this never happened to you?
• Can I ask you for some care in return?

Different Outcome

This is pure boldness. You declare: we’re not going to discuss that—we’ll discuss something else. Your tone is all the proof you need, and usually, that’s enough.

• The question isn’t whether I love you, but what you’ve done for it.
• So, do you need advice on how to save up the money?
• Let’s talk about how I feel about your complaints instead.
• I was just about to ask you to sign a document!
• Right now, you should be thinking about keeping your job.

Redefinition

Call cowardice caution, stinginess thrift, and hysteria sincerity. Or, on the contrary, call courage foolishness, generosity wastefulness, and calmness indifference.

• I was saving up for a trip to the Canary Islands together…
• Not having the right amount isn’t a reason to deny your desires.
• Does my sincere reaction upset you?
• Yes, I arrived later than you expected.
• But he shouldn’t turn adults into his children.

Addition

It’s not always convenient to outright deny something. But you can agree in a way that flips the meaning—by adding your own details or clarifications.

• Yes, I don’t like being asked to make sacrifices.
• Of course, you can’t buy them without setting up an installment plan.
• Silence can only hurt if you don’t trust the person being silent.
• I agree, being late is unacceptable if it ruins an important deal.
• Yes, if the employees reciprocate.

Analogy

All analogies are false, but they’re effective. Instead of discussing the original question, paint a picture where your desired outcome is obvious. If your conversation partner accepts the analogy, they’ll draw the conclusion you want.

• A religious person isn’t the one who goes to church, but the one who believes.
• If a farmer is stingy with seeds, he’ll never see a harvest.
• If you don’t have an umbrella, you’ll get wet in the rain.
• Don’t shoot the pianist—he’s playing as best he can.
• You shouldn’t spoon-feed a seven-year-old.

Thanks for the examples: Mikhail Pelekhaty, Yuri Chekchurin, Alexander Gerasimov, Robert Dilts—the author of all these “language patterns.”