NLP: How to Choose the Right “Other Perspective”

Have you ever found yourself getting into a conflict, only to wonder afterward why you even bothered, since it just ruined your mood? Or maybe someone crossed your personal boundaries and you didn’t notice until it was too late? How can you spot an approaching conflict in advance, maintain your personal boundaries, and, in general, learn to respond more consciously? That’s what this article is about.

The Three Main Perceptual Positions

1. The “I” Position: When you’re focused on yourself.
2. The “You” Position: When you’re focused on the other person.
3. The “Observer” Position: The so-called outside perspective.

1. The “I” Position

This is about focusing on yourself and your feelings—seeing yourself as the center of the universe. For example: “I’m upset! What a clumsy person, almost stepped on my foot. People should watch where they’re going.” You might say this out loud or just think it.

2. The “You” Position

This is about focusing on the other person and their feelings—making them the center of the universe. For example: “Are you okay? Did you trip? Are you hurt?”

3. The “Observer” Position

This is about stepping out of the situation and looking at it from the outside: A person was walking by, tripped, and accidentally stepped on someone’s foot.

The first two positions are “involved,” while the third is “detached.” There are no good or bad positions—just ones that are more or less appropriate for a given situation.

Choosing the Right Position for the Situation

Let’s say you’re planning a vacation and buying a travel package. While making your choice, you’re focused on yourself: picking a hotel with a nice interior and good food, imagining yourself relaxing on a beach chair, feeling a mojito in your hand, asking about the flight duration, picturing yourself in the airplane seat. The “I” position is appropriate here—you need to filter all the details through your own feelings to make the right choice.

But then the travel agent tries to sell you an expensive tour you don’t need, using vivid descriptions and sensory language: “Imagine the crimson sun setting over the horizon, your feet sinking into warm sand, the sound of the waves, the taste of salty spray, the tingle of a pleasant breeze.” If your main position is “I,” you might get swept up in these emotions and buy the unnecessary tour, only to later wonder, “Why did I do that?”

If your main position is “You,” you’re more focused on others, which can be a weak spot. If the agent says, “Please buy it, I have to meet my sales quota or I’ll lose my bonus,” you might buy the tour out of sympathy, not wanting to disappoint a “good person.”

This example is exaggerated to illustrate the model. The travel agent could be anyone: a salesperson, a potential partner, or a random acquaintance—anyone skilled at shifting others’ positions. And it’s not always intentional; many people do this unconsciously.

Training the “Observer” Position

To avoid getting stuck in the “I” or “You” positions, you need a well-trained “Observer.” In this position, you mentally pause the situation, step back, imagine a protective glass wall between you and the situation, mute the sound, and watch everything from the outside—without emotion: observing the agent, yourself, and your interaction.

The goal is to switch from an involved state to an outside perspective. If you can step out of “I” and “You” in time, take a pause, and mentally move behind that glass wall, you’ll protect yourself from impulsive decisions. At first, this might take a few minutes, but with practice, it will only take seconds.

If you don’t learn to consciously manage these positions, they’ll form on their own, possibly taking you places you never intended to go.

Pros and Cons of Each Position

• “I” Position: You experience everything through yourself. The upside is a vivid, emotional life—spontaneity and childlike openness. The downside is that you take everything personally, even accidents, and get drawn into conflicts to defend your “I.”
• “You” Position: Others’ feelings and needs matter more than your own. This can lead to ignoring yourself, but skillful use of this position fosters closeness, empathy, and trust. It’s important in caregiving, teaching, and any expert role.
• “Observer” Position: There are no emotions—just actions. You watch the process from the outside, which helps you stay calm in emergencies and see the whole picture.

Again, there are no good or bad positions—just ones that fit or don’t fit the situation. In the “I” position, we want to be heard, accepted, hugged, given a treat, or patted on the head. In the “You” position, we can share our treat. In the “Observer” position—especially if your partner can do it too—you can both rise above the situation, grab a telescope, and figure out together where the nearest candy store is and how to get there.

Exercises to Practice the Positions

1. In your next few conversations, notice which position you naturally take. Do you focus more on yourself and your feelings (“I”)? Or do you tend to empathize with others and put yourself in their shoes (“You”), pushing your own needs aside? Or are you more of an “Observer,” watching the situation like a scientist? Maybe you’re good at all three. Do you control them, or do they control you?
2. Try this during a conflict. Consciously recall the positions and notice how you argue: do you push from the “I” position (“I told you, it’s going to be my way!”), give in from the “You” position (“Let’s do it your way”), or rise above the situation as an “Observer,” seeing the whole thing in 3D, zooming in and out as needed?
3. Try living one day from each position: one day as “I,” one as “You,” and one as “Observer.” Notice how each state feels. Which is easier? Which is harder? Pay special attention to the one that’s most challenging for you.

Once you learn to manage these perceptual positions, you’ll be able to spot conflicts early from the “Observer,” instantly sense boundary violations from the “I,” and truly see and hear others from the “You”—not just your own reflection in them.