NLP: Breaking Rapport

Rapport is essential for effective communication, but what if you don’t want that communication? There are plenty of people who want to talk to us and persuade us of something: to buy an amazing Canadian drill, join a wonderful religious community, or vote for an even more wonderful candidate. They’re usually quite convincing and know how to quickly establish rapport.

There are also well-meaning people who sincerely want to help you by sharing their worldview: that everything is bad, everyone is corrupt, you can’t trust anyone, UFOs are coming and we’re all doomed, and there’s no happiness in life. They speak very congruently and are good at matching your state.

And then there’s advertising. On TV, you see pleasant, familiar faces promising everything from losing weight in half an hour to a bulletproof door that lasts forever. It all seems so nice and sincere.

Rapport is a two-way street: if it’s established, not only can you influence the other person, but they can influence you just as effectively. So, there are situations where rapport is helpful, and others where it clearly gets in the way.

A good car needs not only an accelerator but also a brake.

All types of verbal influence only work when rapport is present. No rapport, no influence.

How to Break Rapport (or Reduce It): Disassociation

How to Disassociate

Of course, you can simply change your speed and/or energy to shift into a very different state. But in practice, that’s not so easy—get distracted for a moment, and you’re back in rapport, especially if the other person is deliberately matching you.

So, here’s a more interesting method: unconscious disassociation. You simply give your unconscious mind the command to disassociate. Since the unconscious loves images and metaphors, you need a metaphor for separation: a wall, a door, glass, a fence, etc. Imagine this wall (or glass, door, etc.) between you and the person you want to disassociate from. The type of wall is up to you—some prefer concrete, others brick, others Carrara marble.

Of course, there’s no actual astral wall—it’s just a visual metaphor. With some practice, you may not need to visualize anything at all. The image of a wall (or door, etc.) works for about 95% of people, which is why I recommend it.

More Poetic Options…

You might imagine an old fortress wall, several stories high, made of stone blocks covered in cracks and moss. It thoroughly separates you from the world. No outside influence can get through. In fact, you won’t even know what’s happening on the other side.

Or you could picture a glass wall, transparent but making everything look a bit hazy. Looking through it feels like watching an aquarium—you see people moving, but you can’t hear a sound.

Maybe a simple brick wall, with fresh dark-gray cement and bright red-orange new bricks.

Or a metal door, steel-gray, with locks and bolts.

Let your imagination run wild. Just keep in mind that each image will produce a slightly different result—from complete and total disassociation to just lowering the level of rapport. That’s the nature of metaphors.

After this, you need to “let go” of yourself—just allow your body to do what it wants: change your posture, speech rate, or pitch. Your only task is to maintain the image of the wall; your unconscious will handle the rest.

Your nonverbal cues won’t change much: a slight lean back, relaxed face, slightly slower pace. But the meta-message changes significantly.

It’s important to choose the right level and degree of disassociation. Sometimes you need to disconnect completely and permanently; other times, you just need to listen objectively and weigh the person’s words carefully. Too much trust leads to accepting their words without question.

So, pick the right metaphor.

Of course, if you disassociate, the conversation continues, but its quality changes. If the level of trust drops too low, the conversation is basically over—both sides get bored. At moderate levels of trust, the conversation continues, but it’s less intimate.

When to Disassociate

You now know how to disassociate, but when should you do it? The criteria are personal, and you’ll need to think about them for yourself. For example:

• To protect yourself from unwanted influence
• To be more critical of information
• To end a conversation
• To avoid attention (this is how you send the meta-message “I’m not here”)
• To shift communication from personal to official
• To quickly stop a conversation

Exercises

Disassociation Criteria

Write a list of your personal criteria for when it’s “time to disassociate.” For each criterion, imagine at least three situations where it would apply.

Choosing a Metaphor

Imagine a conversation partner you enjoy talking to. Now, picture a glass wall between you—how does your perception of them and their words change? Now imagine a brick wall 20 inches high. What’s different? Try a fence, a two-meter-thick concrete wall… Experiment in your mind and observe the results.

Level of Disassociation

The standard requirement for state management: turn it on and off as needed, and maintain it at the desired level. Here, you’re practicing holding the image. For now, you can do this without interacting: imagine a wall of the desired height (transparency, thickness, type), hold the image for a few minutes, then let it go.

“The Wall” Exercise

In groups, assign the roles of Operator, Client, and Observer. The Operator and Client have a conversation on an interesting topic. The Operator first matches the Client, then at some point disassociates—imagining a wall (closed door, fence, glass) between them. Then the Operator matches again. During the conversation, the Operator should disassociate three times. It’s best to start and end the conversation in rapport.

The Observer watches the conversation and tries to guess when the disassociation happened and how the interaction changed at those moments.

Field Practice

Repeat the previous exercise, but without an Observer. The Client has no idea you’re practicing. Establish rapport, then after a while, disassociate, then re-establish rapport. Just don’t disassociate too abruptly—sudden and sharp disassociation can cause strong negative feelings, which people may associate with you and react accordingly.