NLP: Life as a Rehearsal or the Servant Syndrome

What do we desire most? Why did we come into this world? What are we doing when we intentionally sabotage our own lives? What are we afraid to admit to ourselves? Why do we turn away from what’s best for us? The answer to these and hundreds of seemingly different questions is the same.

This answer becomes a pivotal moment in every person’s life, a crossroads of two roads. Whichever path the traveler chooses, it radically changes not only the scenery of their life but its very essence. For some, the choice leads to achievements and helps them realize something deeply personal, something within. They move toward life, discovering and understanding themselves more deeply with every step. Of course, this road, like any other, comes with losses. But on it, a person receives themselves as a reward, exploring their own universe.

Such a traveler serves themselves, their purpose. Their name is the Seeker.

For others, the answer to the question of which path to choose becomes a reason to run away. The road chosen at the crossroads leads them beyond their own territory, outside the “inner homeland of the personality,” into someone else’s world. This is a universe where there is room for other people—their goals, their deeds. And the name of such a traveler is the Servant.

A Disease for Busy People

It seems that any of us would easily choose ourselves, indignantly rejecting the role of the Servant. But why is the second road so wide, well-trodden, and comfortable? Why do the vast majority choose it? Why does a person feel relief when leaving their own life behind? What do they postpone and what do they gain by stepping onto this path?

The latest, most “fashionable” answer to this question is a diagnosis increasingly used by psychologists and business consultants: deferred life syndrome, a rare condition among busy people.

Although the term “deferred life syndrome” has appeared only in recent years, it describes a state that’s long been known and, unfortunately, popular. One of the first vivid descriptions belongs to Kipling, who noted that in the 19th century, the lives of English people in the colonies resembled a rehearsal, an endless postponement of the “main event” for “better times.”

Doesn’t this life-as-rehearsal sound familiar? Almost all of us can recall a similar period of “preparation and waiting.” It might be related to studying, financial hardship, or caring for a sick person. Often, this attitude forms when someone is dissatisfied with their current situation but lacks the strength or desire to change it—most often in work or family. In such cases, people prefer prolonged waiting over serious change.

So, with deferred life syndrome, a person postpones what’s most important for the future and fills their existence with secondary events and other people’s goals. Now, let’s recall the busy road chosen by Servants. Maybe deferred life syndrome isn’t so rare after all?

With deferred life syndrome, a person puts life “on hold.” There are plenty of serious justifications for this: the need to gain knowledge or earn money, raise young children, or care for elderly parents…

Let’s call deferred life syndrome the Servant Syndrome. This term is more likely to shake a person up, hurt their pride, and motivate them to seek a way out. So, let’s talk not about the theory of deferred life syndrome, but about practical ways to identify and overcome it.

The Symbolic Crossroads

Let’s answer a few questions. Is the Servant Syndrome a threat to you? Which road are you on right now? Whose goals are you serving? To find out for sure, take this quick test, specially designed by the author to detect deferred life syndrome. As you answer, count how many times you say “yes” and how many times “no.”

Identifying the Servant

• A significant part of what I do now will only really be useful later.
• I am more cautious and prudent than impulsive or risky.
• Living for today is an unaffordable luxury for frivolous people.
• If life is fair, my current hardships will pay off in the end.
• It’s best to live by the saying, “No pain, no gain.”
• Sometimes, thoughts of what I’ll get in the future help me overcome difficulties.
• Many good parents sacrifice their lives and joys until their children grow up.
• When the situation changes, I’ll be able to allow myself much more.
• I’m inspired by my parents’ example, who gave up a lot for me.
• My actions are often explained by the saying, “A wise man will find a way around the mountain, not over it.”
• If it weren’t for my loved ones, my life would have turned out differently.
• I don’t like people who put their own goals first.
• I’ve often had to start my life “from scratch.”
• Modesty adorns a person.
• The life of a loved one is clearer and closer to me than my own life.
• My self-esteem often depends on the approval of someone important to me.
• The most useless time is when I’m alone.
• It’s often hard to say what I want right now.

If you answered “yes” more often than “no,” you are at risk of developing deferred life syndrome. Consider each “yes” a step down this path. Most likely, at the symbolic crossroads, you are seriously considering choosing the Servant’s road—the path of serving others.

As we’ve seen, by taking this path, you leave your own life further and further behind, postponing it with every breath, step, and action…

How Does This Mysterious Syndrome Manifest?

In reality, it’s easy to spot by its clear signs. They act as signposts, guiding us along a certain path in life so we don’t accidentally stray onto the road of self-realization.

Signs of Deferred Life Syndrome

First Group

• Focusing on the future as the main part of life, the “reward period.”
• Viewing current life events as secondary or “preparatory.”
• Avoiding thoughts about one’s own purpose or self-realization.
• Feeling anxious, uncomfortable, or awkward when expressing personal inclinations or talents.
• Serious difficulties in setting goals related to personal achievements.
• A tendency to self-soothe with the formula: “Sacrifice now for a reward (or freedom) in the future.”

Second Group

• A tendency to save and hoard.
• Difficulty expressing or experiencing emotions. A tendency to suppress or hide significant feelings.
• A tendency to take responsibility for events created by others (targets of deferred life).
• A tendency to control the lives of emotionally significant people (targets of deferred life).
• An emotional life filled with guilt and shame.
• Suppressing thoughts about loneliness.

The first group of signs is associated with obvious symptoms of deferred life. Each of these is a sign you’ve traveled far down the Servant’s path.

The second group points to hidden, less clear manifestations. These are risk indicators for deferred life syndrome. Their presence suggests you may be choosing the Servant’s path, but doesn’t prove it.

Why Is the Servant’s Road So Popular?

Some answers can be found by looking at the benefits associated with deferred life syndrome.

Five Benefits of Deferred Life Syndrome

1. Avoiding real problems and present-day conflicts by replacing them with illusory “overcoming difficulties on the way to the future.”
2. The chance to avoid realizing how much time and energy is spent achieving other people’s goals and saving others—living “in ignorance.”
3. The chance to avoid responsibility for your own life, disappointments, and difficulties related to achieving your own goals—living “irresponsibly.”
4. The chance to avoid fully mobilizing the strength and abilities needed to achieve real goals—living “half-heartedly.”
5. Positive emotions from feeling you’re repeating your parents’ path, seeing yourself as a “responsible, reliable person,” “caring parent,” or “loyal partner”—living “in illusion.”

Seven Steps Away from Deferred Life Syndrome

1. Set aside time in your daily schedule that you won’t dedicate to the future or to others. Your task is to increase this part of your life every day. If you “take” time that you “could have spent on loved ones or work,” comfort yourself with the thought that your loved ones now have “time for themselves,” and your colleagues have a chance to prove themselves.
2. Define a goal to achieve during this time. It must meet two simple conditions: First, it should relate only to you and not concern anyone else, no matter how necessary or close they are. For example, if you want to use this time to rest so you’ll have more energy for work or to help loved ones, that’s not right. This time should be for you alone. Second, the goal should be achievable right now. Don’t make grand plans.
3. At least once a day, think about the goals you’re pursuing. Learn to distinguish your current goals and needs from “future” goals. Thoughts that separating them is betrayal prevent you from living your own life. Remember, every step away from such thoughts is a step toward yourself, and thus, toward reality.
4. Whenever you act, ask yourself why and for whom you’re doing it. Every action is a choice between yourself and others. Ask whose interests it serves. Consider your own interests more often. Remind yourself that even the lives of your dearest and most irreplaceable people are not equal to your own. Moreover, by giving your life to another, you not only lose yourself but also hinder the other person.
5. When working with others to achieve a goal, remember:
   • Choose between helping and rescuing. Never rescue another person. Don’t let them be a victim. Don’t take responsibility for their actions and goals.
   • Choose between cooperation and manipulation. In cooperation, you both achieve your own goals. In manipulation, one person simply works for the other.
6. Free your feelings. Don’t distort relationships by isolating them from reality.
7. Free yourself from the desire to soften your partner’s dependence with their virtues (character, talent, “golden hands”) or circumstances (“suffered hardships,” “fate”). Don’t postpone problems or downplay their seriousness.

The waiting period is a full, independent part of your life. Instead of using this time, you spend it maintaining an unwanted situation. Your unique life is not only postponed but irretrievably lost during the wait. And that is the only permanent result of voluntarily acquiring deferred life syndrome.