Calibration in Communication

The most important aspect of communication is earning a person’s trust on a subconscious level. But how can you achieve this? The simplest way is to match the other person. Do what they do, speak in a similar tone, catch their breathing rhythm, and sense their thoughts. The process of picking up subconscious signals in posture, movement, voice, breathing, and rhythm is called calibration.

Learn to notice what a person expresses subconsciously through their body or voice: the better you are at picking up these signals, the faster you’ll understand your conversation partner. For example, when someone shares good news, their eyes light up, their shoulders are back, gestures become more animated, their voice is lively, and their speech speeds up. When sharing sad news, they may have a tense posture, a downcast look, a quiet voice, and a slow or even halting speech rhythm.

Now, imagine you’ve calibrated to someone and successfully matched them—what’s next? Now you can lead the person. You can change your movements and notice how your conversation partner follows your actions. Most importantly, both of you will find the interaction much more enjoyable. This state is called rapport.

How to Calibrate Effectively

Calibration is essentially gathering information about a person. The better your calibration, the higher the quality of rapport you’ll achieve. The first thing you should calibrate is how your conversation partner expresses agreement and disagreement. This is especially important if you want to change their point of view.

To do this, ask a question to which your partner will definitely answer “Yes,” and observe their subtle body movements or changes in voice. Sometimes you’ll need to ask several questions to identify as many signals as possible. Then, ask questions to which they’ll answer “No.” To avoid false impressions, make sure you know what their honest answer will be.

As you continue to study your conversation partner, remember how important it is to learn what they like and dislike, and how strongly they feel about it. This will help you match and then lead the person. Ask them a few questions that don’t have a clear yes or no answer and observe their reactions. Note how they use gestures and facial expressions to show what they like or dislike, and pay attention to the intensity of these signals.

For example, if you ask, “How do you feel about cockroaches?” and they reply that they can’t stand them, you might notice a disgusted face, a shoulder twitch, and tension in their body. If you ask about something they enjoy, like, “How do you feel about beach vacations?” and they reply, “I just love sunbathing on the beach!” you’ll likely see sparkling eyes, a smile, raised shoulders, and more animated speech.

Understanding Values and Thinking Patterns

Signals alone aren’t enough; it’s important to understand your partner’s values, how they think, and what they believe in. There’s a system called the “Sorting Gates,” which divides people into several types based on their priorities. Depending on their value orientation, people will use different words, sentence types, and even move and speak a bit differently.

• Who? For these people, others come first. They care about who is speaking, who will participate, and how everyone will interact. Their questions are mostly about people.
• What? These people focus on things, clothes, cars, and surroundings first, and only then on people. This category also includes those who often use words like “love,” “friendship,” “happiness,” “faith,” and “hope.” For them, these words have measurable value. They tend to replace verbs with nouns, e.g., instead of “I plan to go shopping today,” they’ll say, “Shopping is on my agenda today.”
• Why? These people think about value first. They mentally weigh everything: “Why is this necessary?” “What’s the value in this?” Like the “What?” type, they value words like “love” and “friendship,” but they focus on the significance of these concepts.
• How? For these people, the process is key. Whatever happens, their first question is “How?” They like to make plans and think about what they’ll do tomorrow or next week. The process itself is what matters to them.
• When? Timing is crucial for these people. Whatever happens, they want to know when and at what time. They’re usually very meticulous and dislike it when others don’t value time.
• Where? These people focus on location—where they’ve been, where they are, or where they’ll go. In conversation, you’ll often hear about where they spent the weekend, how things are at work, or where they plan to go on Friday. Their life revolves around being somewhere.

Take a look at yourself and your acquaintances. How would you describe each of them?

Identifying Intentions

Another important aspect of calibration is determining your partner’s intentions. Remember, behavior is what’s on the outside, while intention is what’s inside. To understand what someone truly wants to express with their behavior, you’ll need to ask them several questions and figure out what interests them. Gradually, you should identify the moments that trigger a positive reaction. Step by step, eliminate unnecessary options until you finally uncover the person’s true intention.

For practice, try to determine what intentions you have in different situations. For example, if you often tell jokes to your coworkers, your intention might be to be liked. If you constantly follow the news, you may be seeking a sense of confidence.

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