Building Rapport: The Key to Trust and Effective Communication
Rapport allows you to build a bridge to another person: it gives you a foothold for understanding and connecting. Once rapport is established, you can begin to change your own behavior, and your partner will likely follow your lead. You can guide them in a new direction. Outstanding teachers are those who establish rapport and enter the world of their students, making it easier for students to transition to a better understanding of a subject or skill. They get along well with their students, and good relationships make learning easier.
In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), this is called “pacing and leading.” Pacing means adjusting your own behavior so that the other person follows you. Leading won’t work without rapport—you can’t lead someone across a bridge before you’ve built it.
Keeping your own behavior unchanged and waiting for others to join you and understand you is one option. Sometimes it works well, sometimes it doesn’t. By keeping your behavior constant, you’ll get a variety of results, but not all of them will be desirable. If you’re willing to change your behavior to achieve your intended outcome, you’re on your way to being more successful. We constantly pace to adapt to different social situations, to calm others, and to feel comfortable ourselves. We pace other cultures by respecting their traditions. If you want to stay at a first-class hotel, you wear a tie. You don’t swear in front of a priest. You dress appropriately for a job interview if you’re serious about getting the job.
Pacing is a general skill for establishing rapport, which we use when discussing shared interests, friends, work, and hobbies. We also pace emotions. When a loved one is sad, we use a sympathetic tone and manner, rather than cheerfully shouting, “Don’t be sad!” That could make them feel worse. You meant well, but it didn’t work. A better approach would be to first reflect and match their posture and use a gentle tone that matches their feelings. Then, gradually shift toward a more positive and resourceful state. If the bridge is built, the other person will follow you.
They will unconsciously sense that you respect their state and will want to follow you—if that’s the direction they want to go. This kind of emotional pacing and leading is a powerful tool in counseling and therapy. When talking to an angry person, match their anger just below their level. If you go too far, you risk escalation. Once you’ve matched them, you can begin to lead them down to a calmer state by gradually calming your own behavior. If someone is insistent, you can pace and match their voice by speaking a little louder and faster than usual.
You establish rapport by taking into account what people say. You don’t have to agree with them. One very effective way to pace is to eliminate the word “but” from your vocabulary. Replace it with “and.” “But” can be a destructive word—it implies you hear what’s being said, but you have objections that dismiss it. “And” is harmless. It simply adds to and expands on what’s already been said. Words carry tremendous power. No matter how difficult it is, keep this in mind, and you’ll truly strengthen rapport.
People from the same culture are likely to share values and a worldview. Shared interests, work, friends, hobbies, likes and dislikes, and political beliefs all help create rapport. We naturally get along with people who share our values and beliefs.
Pacing and leading is a core idea in NLP. It includes rapport and respect for another person’s model of the world. It assumes positive intentions and is a powerful tool for moving toward agreement or a shared outcome. To pace and lead successfully, you should pay close attention to the other person and be flexible in your own behavior and reactions. NLP is the art of communication: elegant, enjoyable, and highly effective.