Mini Guide for Those Deprived of the Right to Drive

August 03, 2018

Introduction

So here it is. We were chatting with the guys and touched on the sensitive topic of driving without a license. This conversation inspired me to write this mini guide. It’s no secret that those of us who tend to use various substances are, from the perspective of the Russian government, not allowed to drive. Supposedly, all trouble comes from us, the “villains.” We get high on marijuana and run over grandmas at crosswalks. I’m exaggerating, of course, but you get the idea. And while an alcoholic might still be shaking the next day even if there’s nothing left in their blood, our situation is the opposite. Smoke some weed three days ago, and you can still be classified as “driving under the influence,” even if you haven’t felt anything for 72 hours. As a repeat offender, I’ll try to share some tips and rules that can help you keep driving even if you’ve lost your license. Many of these tips actually came from law enforcement officers themselves—there are still some decent guys among them who understand a lot, it’s just their job. Of course, my advice isn’t the ultimate truth.

1. Your Car’s Appearance Is 70% of Your Success

An experienced officer can spot “who’s who” just by looking at your car. For example, a heavily tinted old Lada with a loud exhaust and racing stickers is a guaranteed reason to get pulled over, no matter where you are. For older drivers, it’s the same story, just with more expensive cars—Mazda 6 or Lancer, it doesn’t matter. If you have tinted windows or any pseudo-sporty features, hood locks, carbon fiber body kits—basically, anything that screams “real tough guy”—you’re asking for trouble, regardless of your social status.

I once talked to a detective (not a traffic cop) about window tinting. He said the days when only “criminals” drove tinted cars are over. Now, if a car is fully tinted, it’s probably someone in uniform. And another thing—if you think you can’t be seen, you’re wrong. It’s actually easier for them to catch you. So, tinting is not for you. What you want is a car with clear windows, maybe a “Baby on Board” sticker and a child seat in the back. If possible, stick a pass or permit on the windshield—anywhere. This way, you’ll look like a respectable citizen with access to some official place. You’ll blend in.

The same goes for your own appearance. I’m not saying you need to dress in Brioni or Bolshevichka, but those flashy tracksuits (for the old-school guys) or Porsche Design (for the modern youth) are not appropriate here. A shirt and jeans, or dress pants and a turtleneck—there are plenty of options. If it suits you, try wearing simple, stylish glasses (no prescription needed). A beard might help too, but I haven’t tried it. Your car’s audio shouldn’t be blasting drum and bass—play calm music. Ideally, I just turn on business FM radio. And one more thing: your car should be clean and not registered to you. I got caught once because the car was in my name and the patrol car’s camera, connected to a laptop, immediately flagged me as the owner, which was a reason to pull me over.

Summary: Drive an inconspicuous, light-colored car without flashy features or tinting, not registered to you, and look like a middle manager.

2. Driving Style

This is simple: traffic rules are your best friend. Buy the latest rulebook and spend an evening reading it—there are lots of new regulations. No matter how respectable you look, if you break the rules, you’ll get pulled over. Always yield to pedestrians—everywhere. Don’t run yellow lights, don’t cross double lines, don’t speed. For the next year and a half or two, your driving style should be “confident grandma” or “grandpa”—steady, confident, no sudden moves or racing. I often scold myself when I get into road arguments and start acting up. Don’t fall for provocations—remember, you could easily take out that jerk, but it’s not worth it. Let them go; they’ll get what’s coming to them.

According to traffic cops, here’s how you should move around:

• Drive only between 8 AM and 8 PM, not later. In the morning, there’s usually a shift change, and in the evening, the same thing happens. After 8 PM, your risks increase dramatically.
• Avoid alleys and small streets, no matter how empty they look. That’s where they’re waiting for people like us. Don’t be afraid to drive on main roads—if you’re not breaking the law, you’ll be fine. Ideally, stick to two- or three-lane roads, using the middle or left lane, and blend in with the flow.

As for helpful tools, I’ve tried many and settled on two. Install Yandex Navigator on your phone. It’s decent, and it has a great feature: “user markers.” You can mark things like open manholes, closed roads, or—most importantly—police checkpoints. As you drive, check your route at every traffic light for upcoming police spots. There are lots of users (at least in big cities), and the info is constantly updated. Make it a habit to contribute—if you see a police crew, mark it; you might save a fellow driver. Also, on VK (the biggest Russian social network), there are groups where drivers share info about police ambushes in real time, city by city.

3. If You Do Get Pulled Over

If you’re unlucky and the cop waves you over, here’s what to do. The situation is tough these days—police crews are constantly rotated to prevent them from getting too friendly or making deals. If you try to “negotiate,” there’s always a risk of getting charged with attempted bribery. But sometimes you can get lucky. You’ll have to read the situation and steer the conversation carefully. Believe me, the cops know who among them is “dirty” and who might snitch. If there’s such a person in the crew, you’ll know right away. But if the cops are in a good mood, well… everyone likes money. The ideal bribe is 30,000 rubles—the official fine for your situation. That’s where negotiations start. Cops are good psychologists and will quickly assess your ability to pay. If you’re driving a Porsche Cayenne, 30,000 won’t be enough. But if you’re just a regular guy, not showing off or being rude, the price will be reasonable—3,000 to 5,000 rubles per officer is realistic (unless you’re in Moscow, then forget it). They’ll tell you how to hand it over, maybe even escort you to your destination. It all depends on you and your luck. The sooner you settle, the cheaper it will be.

One more thing I didn’t know because I’d been out of the loop for a while: now, when you’re pulled over, you have to stay in your seat. I used to get out and talk to the cops outside, not realizing why they got so tense. Turns out, if you get out, they think you might try to run, resist, or something else. You could even get handcuffed. So just stay in the car.

Conclusion

That’s about it. Thanks for reading to the end.

Respectfully,
PRISONER 26

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