56 Signs You’ve Smoked Too Much Weed

The authors of “Hail Mary Jane” — a popular resource dedicated to cannabis culture — have put together a list of signs that the effects of smoking marijuana have gone way beyond what you expected. How do you know it’s time to stop before you turn into a couch potato? That’s what this list is all about.

Remember, this article is a joke meant to entertain readers, not to encourage any actions.

You’ve definitely smoked too much weed if:

• You light a cigarette from the wrong end.
• You realize the song you’re listening to ended 10 minutes ago.
• You decide to start your own religion based on eating Doritos.
• You get tired of talking halfway through a sentence.
• You find your weed bag is empty and have no idea how it happened.
• You come to your senses at the McDonald’s counter and realize you have no money for burgers (because you spent it all on weed).
• You tell a funny joke to someone who just told it to you.
• You talk to your cat and get mad when the furry creature doesn’t answer.
• You talk to your cat and realize it’s answering you.
• You beat a level in a video game, look at the clock, and see five hours have passed.
• You have a cough that tastes like bong water.
• You stare at a turned-off TV because you’re too lazy to turn it on (and why bother?).
• You start forming sentences like George W. Bush.
• Your friend asks you to roll another joint, and half an hour later you wonder why no one is smoking.
• You go to a fast food place and leave with French fries on your face.
• You think mocking a cop by repeating what he says is a great idea.
• You find everything around you absolutely hilarious.
• Going to the kitchen feels like an epic journey.
• You plan to do something, get distracted, and can’t remember what you were going to do in the first place.
• You wake up still high and rush to work, only to realize it’s your day off.
• You fall asleep five minutes into a movie.
• At a red stop sign, you wait for it to turn green.
• You spend an hour looking for something, then realize it’s been in your hand the whole time.
• You pour anything but milk on your cereal.
• You greet someone 45 minutes after they greeted you, because it just now registered.
• You’re speeding down the highway at 25 mph (40 km/h).
• You’re driving down the street at 6 mph (10 km/h).
• You’re overjoyed when you beat your dog in a staring contest.
• You wait two hours for a pizza, then realize you only wanted to order it.
• It takes you 10 minutes to figure out how to buckle your seatbelt.
• You go grocery shopping and end up buying only cookies, crackers, and every chocolate bar you see.
• You cough and can’t stop.
• You forget to put water in the bong.
• It takes you half an hour to roll a joint.
• The staff at the nearest fast food place know you by name.
• You eat something on the way home and still dream about eating at home.
• You try to leave the house but go back six times: for your wallet, phone, lighter, keys, drink, bag — and for each forgotten item separately.
• You can’t find the three-foot bong you just smoked from.
• You think everyone can see how stoned you are.
• You accidentally kiss your girlfriend’s friend, honestly thinking it’s your girlfriend.
• You spend an hour digging through DVDs, trying to find the one that’s already in the player.
• You can’t move (but you like it!).
• You lose your lighter again (and again, and again…).
• You stop mid-sentence because you forgot what you were going to say.
• You can’t remember where you put the rest of your weed.
• You get lost in your own house.
• You like every song you hear.
• You change your order at a café three times and end up getting everything you mentioned.
• You can’t say “Just Say No to Drugs!” without cracking up.
• You wander around the city for four hours looking for a good place to smoke again.
• You forget what you were watching on TV during the commercials.
• You watch TV with the sound off while listening to music on your iPod.
• You wake up at 6… in the evening.
• You roll a joint, forget about it, and find it a couple of days later, having no idea where it came from.
• You light your eyebrows instead of your joint.
• You know someone who’s done 20 things on this list, or you’ve done them yourself.