5 Common Manipulation Techniques and How to Resist Them

Excerpt from Nikita Nepryakhin’s book “I Manipulate You” about cunning manipulation methods and ways to counter them.

1. Bad Person — Bad Argument

“What can someone who hasn’t even changed their passport argue about? What opinions on architecture can a man without a residence permit have? And really, can we care about the opinion of a bald person with a nose like that? Let him fix his nose, grow some hair, and then he can speak up!” — remember this famous joke by Mikhail Zhvanetsky?

The “Bad Person — Bad Argument” manipulation is all about discrediting a person in any way possible, and by smearing them, suggesting that everything they say (arguments, ideas, thoughts, proposals) is invalid.

Discrediting can target anything: a person can be called ignorant, inexperienced, incompetent, unattractive — anything goes in the manipulator’s arsenal. Naturally, this is hurtful, humiliating, and emotionally upsetting. It’s an attack on the person, not on what they’re saying. There’s no substance here at all.

• “Dress properly first, then come with your ideas.”
• “And this is coming from someone with a criminal record?”
• “Why listen to him? He can’t even spell ‘agreement’ right!”
• “Pick your nose first, then teach us all!”
• “Show up on time to meetings, then try to speak up!”

All these are examples of the “Bad Person — Bad Argument” manipulation. The idea is simple: to discredit someone’s argument or opinion, just discredit the person, no matter how.

Often, the victim tries to “hit back.” But isn’t that exactly what the manipulator wants? Their main goal is to avoid a constructive response to the victim’s words. Conflict is familiar territory for the aggressor.

How to Resist

How do you defend against this manipulation? First, don’t retaliate or insult back — that just plays into the manipulator’s hands. The main tactic is to ignore the smear. Rise above it; you know your opponent’s true motives. When you understand the manipulation scenario and the aggressor’s goals, it’s much easier to keep your cool.

The key is to shift the situation from an emotional phase to a rational one. Ask yourself: is there any logical connection between what I’m being accused of and what I’m saying? For example, maybe I’m not great at Excel, but does that mean my business plan is invalid?

To counter “Bad Person — Bad Argument,” move the conversation to logic and analyze cause and effect:

• “First learn Excel, then bring your business plan!”
  Option 1: “Can you explain how my knowledge of Excel relates to my department’s budget plan?”
  Option 2: “So if I put my budget in Excel, you’ll accept it without question?”

2. Words Don’t Match Actions

Why use a cow to illustrate the “Words Don’t Match Actions” manipulation? Because of the saying, “Look who’s talking!” — which captures the essence of this tactic.

Like the previous manipulation, the discussion is shifted from the topic to the person. But here, instead of general smearing, the manipulator points out that the person’s arguments don’t match their own behavior, character, or principles.

• “How can you talk about war if you’ve never been in one?”
• “Who are you to teach me, when you did the same thing in your youth?”
• “You talk about modern fashion, but you wear worn-out, dirty shoes!”
• “You say not to be cruel to animals, but you wear a leather jacket!”
• “Learn to speak proper English first, then correct my pronunciation!”

For example, a father tells his son, “Smoking is bad! It’s terrible for your health!” and gives several arguments. Logically, the son should counter each point or defend his position. But that’s hard, so instead, the son says, “Why are you lecturing me when you smoke yourself?”

How to Resist

It may seem there’s no good response, since the words really don’t match the actions. But remember: this isn’t a real counterargument, it’s an attack on the person. Returning to the father-son example, should the father admit the inconsistency? No — that would mean conceding. Should he play along and show how sick he is from smoking? That just undermines his authority further. Threatening or punishing the child is also the wrong move, as it models bad communication.

The main strategy: don’t follow the manipulator’s script. They’re trying to stick a “minus” sign on you. To break the script, turn the “minus” into a “plus.” This is called logical reframing. A useful phrase is “precisely because,” which turns your supposed weakness into a strength:

• “Why are you lecturing me when you smoke?”
  “Precisely because I smoke, I’m telling you this! I know where it leads.”

Notice how the tone changes. Instead of self-flagellation, logical reframing creates an expert position and gives your words new meaning.

3. Ignorance

Manipulators often play on our emotions, especially our fear of seeming ignorant or inexperienced. Many people are afraid to admit they don’t know something, and that’s what the “Ignorance” manipulation exploits.

• “Everyone knows that…”
• “Just read Wikipedia, it’s all there…”
• “A well-known economic theory supports my view.”
• “What can you say about the coefficient of determination? See, I’m right!”
• “Surely you’ve read this classic business book! All educated people have. It says the same thing, so let’s go with my view.”
• “I’m not sure your stated validity can be analyzed with correlation, so we’ll need to change some report metrics.”

Often, highly educated people use this manipulation. Complex terms, English words, obscure abbreviations, scientific jargon, and hard-to-check facts are all used to play on ignorance and false shame. The manipulator may use a tone that suggests these are basic things everyone should know.

Sometimes, manipulators just throw around smart-sounding words without really understanding them. The goal is to sound smart and make the victim too embarrassed to admit ignorance. They may use phrases like “Everyone knows,” “It’s well known,” “It’s obvious,” “Clearly.” For example, “German cars are the best” vs. “Everyone knows German cars are the best.” Both are “Ignorance” manipulations.

How to Resist

Why are people so afraid to admit they don’t know something? Does not knowing a term or theory diminish your worth? Is it so bad to ask for clarification, even from the manipulator?

The manipulator hopes you’ll be too embarrassed to ask. The only way to break this simple manipulation is to calmly admit you don’t know, and ask questions without shame.

Often, you’ll find the manipulator doesn’t really understand what they’re referencing. Sometimes, they even cite non-existent facts or made-up theories. Always ask and clarify — your reputation won’t suffer.

• “You don’t even know the basics?”
  “I don’t know what you mean by basics. Please explain.”
• “You haven’t read ‘7 Keys to a Successful Life’? It’s a must-read for educated people!”
  “No, I haven’t. Please share the main ideas.”
• “You’re making conclusions without enough knowledge. You should study the well-known experience of foreign colleagues.”
  “I’ll look into it later. For now, can you explain how that experience relates to our discussion?”
• “Even the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer hypothesis says so!”
  “I don’t know that hypothesis. Let’s look it up and see if it’s relevant.”

4. Flattery

Abraham Lincoln once said, “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” This is the basis of the simple but effective “Flattery” manipulation.

The main target is our vanity — the goal is to cloud our judgment and appeal to our ego with well-chosen compliments.

• “My conversation partner’s erudition is beyond doubt, so I’m sure he won’t argue…”
• “A person who isn’t deep enough won’t appreciate this, but you…”
• “As one of our company’s top specialists, you should…”
• “As an educated person, you’ll agree that…”
• “We know your honesty and integrity, so you’ll definitely…”
• “I rely on your wisdom and sharp mind, and I’m sure you’ll agree with me…”

What do these examples have in common? The manipulation scenario: compliment + command. There’s always a compliment (“smart,” “educated,” “honest”), followed by a command (“agree,” “accept,” “do,” “support”). The trick is, if you don’t comply, you’re not smart or educated. That’s the manipulative logic, and it often works — the more vain the victim, the more effective it is, even if the command is extreme.

How to Resist

Neutralizing this manipulation is as simple as the manipulation itself. The formula: accept the compliment, but refuse the command.

For example:

• “I rely on your wisdom and sharp mind, and I’m sure you’ll agree with me…”
  “Thank you for the compliment, but I have to disagree…”
• Or even stronger: “Thank you for the compliment, but that’s exactly why I have to disagree…”

Be sure to accept the compliment, or you’ll fall into a logical trap. Of course, not every compliment is manipulative, but if you notice flattery being used to push you into something you don’t want, stop the manipulation immediately.

5. Throwing You Off Balance

Unfortunately, manipulators often try to emotionally irritate their opponent to get their way. They may use overly familiar language, biting jokes, sarcastic remarks, rude humor, absurd questions, or mocking gestures. I call this “Throwing You Off Balance,” and it’s a crude but common and effective tactic.

The manipulator’s main goal is to knock you off your game, push you out of your comfort zone, and create stress. In an emotional state, the victim is likely to act rashly or against their own interests — meaning the manipulation worked. The manipulator avoids unwanted discussion or constructive debate.

They might deliberately mispronounce your name or title, use disrespectful forms of address, or mock your speech, mistakes, or stutter. They may provoke with phrases like, “Oh, you really made me laugh!” or “Are you really an expert on this?” or “Do you talk to your wife like this?” or “Oh lord… what now?” or “Anything smart to add?” They may also use nonverbal irritants, like clicking a pen repeatedly.

The key feature of this manipulation is repetition. Practice shows that repeating the irritating action three times is often enough to make the victim lose their temper. Once emotions take over, rationality goes out the window.

How to Resist

It’s important to realize that “Throwing You Off Balance” is always a provocation, a pre-planned scenario. Don’t fall for it or take it personally — it’s just a game. If you lose your cool, the manipulator wins.

Calmness and composure are the best defense. You can simply ignore attempts to break your emotional balance. You control the situation, not the manipulator.

Or you can say directly: “I understand what you’re trying to do. You want to throw me off balance. Unfortunately, it won’t work. Let’s keep this conversation constructive and respectful.”

By exposing the manipulation, you turn it from hidden to open.

For more on common manipulations, read Nikita Nepryakhin’s book “I Manipulate You: Methods for Resisting Hidden Influence.”