State Elicitation and Calibration in Communication
One way to describe communication is as the management of states—both your own and those of others. All communication is essentially a journey through different states, with the goal of reaching a desired state in the right context. For example, you might want a state of agreement when asking, “Are you ready to sign our contract right now?” Or a state of sexual attraction when someone looks at you. Or a state of calm and confidence when preparing to talk to your mother-in-law. Any communication goal can be described as “the right state in the right context.”
Thus, a successful communication strategy can be summarized as: Get the desired state in any context, then adjust your behavior until you achieve that same state in the desired context.
Getting the state in any context is for calibration—to know what agreement, surprise, joy, disappointment, or excitement looks and sounds like for a specific person. Achieving it in the right context is about recognizing the result. For example, if agreement (or surprise, dislike, love, etc.) is the sign of success, then you’ve achieved your goal. However, sometimes the reaction you get in the right context doesn’t mean what you think. For instance, someone might like a product but not be ready to buy it: “I love Ferraris! But I can’t afford one.”
While there’s plenty written about “changing your behavior until you get the result,” there’s less guidance on how to elicit the desired state in any context. It’s often assumed you’ll figure it out. Personally, I’ve often wished for a more detailed explanation of how to do this in real-life communication, not just in a “Therapist–Client” setting where you can say, “Now, recall a time when you felt completely confident.” Try saying that to your boss: “Yuri Vladimirovich, please enter a state of confidence about giving someone a raise.” Yeah, you’ll be the one leaving the office, not him entering that state.
So, let’s make this formula more practical. How do you get the desired state in any context, for any reason, without looking like a complete idiot asking silly questions? The idea is to fit into the situation and have your behavior match the context. Also, you need to elicit the “desired state in any context” to set an anchor. In real-life situations, accessing the right state is one of the most important steps in anchoring. If you can’t access the state, you can’t anchor it.
Agreement and Disagreement
Let’s start with two key states: agreement and disagreement. In general, it’s simple: if you say something that matches a person’s worldview, they agree. If your words contradict their beliefs, they disagree. But how do you hit the mark if you don’t know the person well? Here are some techniques:
Using Names
One of the easiest ways to get agreement for calibration is to ask someone their name. People have a funny habit: when you ask their name and get it right, they agree. For example:
- “Hi, Volodya!”
- Or to get attention: “Olya, could you please…”
After addressing them, you’ll see a nod or other signs of agreement—”Yes, that’s my name!” However, using the wrong name can backfire and reduce trust. People value their names and dislike those who get them wrong. You could try, “Were you ever called Peter as a child?” but that’s a bit rough. You can play with context, like, “Irina… wanted to tell us…” After “Irina,” they’ll correct you, but if you finish with, “Irina wanted to share important news. What do you think, Olya?” you’ll be forgiven. In short, names are valuable for agreement, but for calibrating disagreement, try other methods.
Rhetorical Questions and Truisms
Rhetorical questions don’t require a verbal answer, but people often respond nonverbally:
- “You want to succeed in life, right?”
Few will say, “No, I want to be miserable.” If you do meet someone like that, you’ll clearly calibrate disagreement. Truisms—statements that are always true—also work:
- “People change over time.”
- “Some people are lucky (or unlucky) in life.”
- “It’s warmer in summer than in winter.”
Paraphrasing
Another simple technique is to repeat or paraphrase what the person said:
- “We think we can’t do this.”
- “So, if I understand correctly, you think you can’t do this?”
The response depends on your tone and nonverbal cues. If you sound mocking or clueless, it won’t work. Match your intonation to the conversation: doubt, question, reflection, etc. You can also summarize:
- “You’re having doubts.”
- “So, if I understand correctly…” (then use their words)
Checkable Facts
Ask questions the person can verify immediately:
- “Are these walls yellow?”
- “Is your watch on your right hand?”
They’ll check and respond—yes or no. You can also offer choices:
- “Is your jacket black… or gray?”
- “Is this TV a Sony… or a Panasonic?”
Pause before “or” to let them check. You’ll get both agreement and disagreement to calibrate.
What You Already Know
Ask about things you know for sure:
- “Are you married?” (You see a wedding ring.)
- “Do you drive?” (You saw them arrive by car.)
- “Did you vacation in Spain this year?” (They’ve talked about it endlessly.)
Other States
The above works for agreement/disagreement, but what about other states, like confidence or irritation? For example, you might want to elicit irritation if you want someone to change their attitude toward a competitor. Here are several approaches to access the desired state. Not all are suitable for every situation—choose what fits the context and feels natural.
Wait for the State to Appear Naturally
The simplest way is to wait for the person to enter the desired state on their own. This is passive—you do nothing special. It’s useful in monologues or when calibrating from video. If you spend enough time with someone, you can calibrate important states and set anchors. Just pay attention and use the situation.
For example, a young man in my group wanted a raise. He noticed that whenever his boss praised someone, he’d adjust his tie. Later, during a casual conversation, he adjusted his tie spontaneously, and the boss said, “Igor, maybe it’s time to give you a raise?”
Ask Them to Enter the State
This is a more active approach—ask the person to enter the desired state. It’s common in therapy, but can work elsewhere:
- “Petya, I’d like you to find a way to feel joy. Let me know when you feel it strongly.”
- For building trust: “Usually, there’s trust between a lawyer and client. Try to recall and feel that trust as strongly as possible…”
- For engagement: “To succeed, it’s important that you’re invested in the outcome. Remember that feeling and immerse yourself in it…”
Make sure your request fits the context and sounds natural. Sometimes you can be direct: “I need you to recall a state of trust right now.” If it doesn’t work, you may need to rebuild rapport.
Ask Them to Recall a Situation
Ask the person to remember a situation where they experienced the desired state. If you know the situation, reference it:
- “Ivan Petrovich, remember last year in Munich…”
- “Olya, how did you feel when you first fell in love? Tell me…”
- “We’ve all fallen in love for the first time…”
Or describe a typical situation:
- “Has this happened to you: someone explains something in detail, and you just don’t get it?”
- “Remember last Christmas…?”
- “Look at this photo. Remember when we…?”
If you don’t know a specific situation, keep it general:
- “Has there ever been a time in your life when you felt calm and relaxed?”
- “Everyone has moments when they feel confident.”
Elicit the Desired Reaction
You can provoke the desired reaction. Tell a joke to get laughter (if it’s funny). Start listening intently to something outside to get focused attention. Insult someone to get anger (not recommended!). For example, if you want the audience’s attention, start speaking more quietly—people will strain to listen. But this only works for a short time.
Concepts and Words
Words are just “links” to specific experiences. To understand “sadness,” a person must briefly enter a sad state. Try this calibration exercise: “Ira, say the word ‘happiness’ to yourself. Now ‘sadness.’ Now ‘joy.’ Now say any of these words inside.” You can often tell which word they chose by their nonverbal cues—breathing, facial expression, posture. When you say a word, the person will briefly access the state. If you want to set an anchor, be attentive and calibrate carefully. The access will be brief, so act quickly.
You can also ask them to describe the state: “How would you describe happiness?” This leads to a deeper experience, as they have to immerse themselves to find the words. Always calibrate and get feedback.
Pacing and Leading
Here, you use yourself: match the person’s state, then gradually shift your own state to lead them. For calm, slow your speech and breathing, relax your muscles. For excitement or aggression, speak louder, breathe faster, increase muscle tension, make sharper movements. You can also use words to help guide them.
Detailed Instructions
Another way is to give detailed instructions for entering a state. For example, some people describe their symptoms in such detail that the listener starts to feel them too. When you describe a sequence of experiences, many people will relive them and enter the final state. This can be a story, question, or legend, but it must include clear instructions for reaching the state.
- “Imagine reading this book and feeling everything inside calm down, your mind clearing, your body relaxing…”
- “Ivan walked along the river, tired and thoughtful. He sat down and remembered the first time he saw Natasha. Suddenly, his heart pounded, his forehead sweated, his legs felt weak, and he could only see her…”
- “Igor, have you ever felt tense inside, your head buzzing, your breathing heavy…?”
To give instructions, you need to clearly imagine the sequence yourself. It helps to enter the state as you describe it—this adds congruence and complements pacing and leading.
Reproduce an Anchor
Another method is to reproduce an anchor that triggers the desired state. This is fast and reliable—if you have an anchor. If you set it yourself, use it to recall calibrations or to re-anchor to something more convenient. If someone else set the anchor, just use it and observe the result. There are also natural anchors set by life, school, family, or media.
- “When my husband hears this song, he immediately relaxes…”
- “My boss is strange. If you call her ‘Olenka,’ she instantly gets furious.”
7 Ways to Elicit a State
- Wait for the person to enter the state naturally.
- Ask them to enter the state (directly or via a situation).
- Elicit the reaction.
- Use concepts/words.
- Pacing and leading.
- Detailed instructions (story, description, personal experience, etc.).
- Reproduce an anchor.
Anchors and Calibration
There’s a difference between eliciting a state for calibration and for anchoring. For calibration, you can even use video. Remember the 3×3 rule: three signs that repeat at least three times. Try to access the desired state at least three times to be sure the signs are accurate and not random. Sometimes, a person’s associations may take them elsewhere, so repeat the process in different ways to confirm.
For anchoring, it’s more complex. You need to calibrate the state, recognize its peak, and set the anchor at that moment. If you miss it, try again. Anchoring requires personal contact, as you need to trigger the anchor (touch, sound, etc.).
Why anchor instead of just pacing and leading? Anchoring is almost instant, while pacing and leading takes time and isn’t always possible. If someone already has an anchor for the desired state but it’s inconvenient, you can re-anchor it to something more practical. For example, if a song triggers euphoria, but you can’t play it during a conversation, set a new anchor (like tapping their hand) while the song is playing.
Otherwise, there’s little difference between eliciting a state for calibration or anchoring. The key is accessing the desired state—how you use it is up to you.