“Everything Is in My Hands”: How to Stop Playing the Victim

When asked if we ever see ourselves as victims, most of us would say “no.” In everyday language, a victim is someone weak or helpless, often associated with crime stories or tragic events. The image that comes to mind is someone outlined in chalk on the pavement.

But from a psychological perspective, being a victim is about believing that someone or something else controls our achievements, mood, and happiness. We can fall into the victim role in many situations: with a boss, a partner, or even a child. What unites these scenarios is that we find a reason to feel hurt and start to manipulate others.

What Does a Victim Believe?

Usually, a victim holds six core beliefs. Let’s break them down:

1. The source of the problem is someone else. Someone was rude or hurtful for no reason.
2. Circumstances are bigger than us. “That’s just how life turned out; I had no other choice.” The victim feels forced to attend a certain college or stay in a job they dislike.
3. Nothing can be changed; there’s no choice. The victim’s motto: “It’s not me, it’s life.”
4. We are just the result, not the cause, of what happens in our lives. Someone else always influences the victim’s life, choices, or mood.
5. Nothing depends on us. The victim’s favorite phrase: “It’s out of my hands now.” Their fate is controlled by others or by events.
6. The focus is always on the past. The victim dwells on the breakfast their spouse didn’t make, the flowers their partner didn’t give, or the driver who didn’t yield at the crosswalk.

If you recognize yourself or someone close to you in these six beliefs, here’s the magic remedy.

We Choose the Victim Role Because It Benefits Us

Read and reflect on this phrase: “We always win at the game we choose to play.” Read it as many times as you need before moving on. When we choose the victim role or blame others for our failures, we do it because it benefits us. People always do what brings them some kind of reward, even if those rewards are different. Let’s look at a few reasons why being a victim can seem beneficial:

• First reason: The victim gets attention. People listen and empathize with someone who’s been wronged. Sometimes, the victim even receives material benefits, like having debts forgiven.
• Second reason: You don’t have to change anything in your life. “If everything depends on my neighbor, what can I do?”
• Third reason: You can let your emotions out and stop controlling them. A woman can cry; a man can get into a fight.

“Everything Is in My Hands”: How to Stop Playing the Victim

But where there are benefits, there’s always a price. Playing the victim comes at a cost. Here’s a quick price list. There are only two currencies, but they’re the most valuable: happiness and health.

By choosing the victim mindset, we pay with the happiness we could have gained from strong relationships and meaningful connections with loved ones.

Most illnesses are psychosomatic. Their root cause is resentment—the main “wealth” of the victim.

Now that we’ve explored the beliefs and benefits of being a victim, let’s ask: is there another way to look at things? The answer is simple—yes. You can choose to see yourself as the author of your own life. If you need to, repeat this mantra every day: “Everything depends on me; I can manage any circumstances and any situation.”

Most People Choose the Victim Mindset—But You Can Change

Ask yourself simple questions: “Where is my focus—on the past or the future?”, “What is my goal?”, “What do I want to build in this relationship?” In that moment, you start to create an author’s mindset.

If you look around, most people choose the victim interpretation. Even if you’re one of them, you can change. Take a blank sheet of paper and write down the situations where you play the victim at the top. In the left column, list the benefits you get—all the pros. In the right column, write down everything you pay for it. Think it over and analyze—which is more valuable to you?

Changing your usual behavior isn’t easy. It’s hard to give up the comfort of always being pitied and sympathized with. But every time you feel the urge to blame bad luck or a cunning coworker for your failures, just look at the right column. Maybe admitting your own mistakes and starting to work on them isn’t so hard after all? And it’s definitely cheaper than paying for medical treatment or trying to piece together broken relationships with loved ones.