The Inner Rules of Neurotics

Based on the work of M.E. Litvak, “From Hell to Heaven: Selected Lectures on Psychotherapy”

Common Internal Rules of Neurotics

1. I must succeed in everything I do.
2. I need to be accepted and loved by everyone, at all times.
3. If I’m not at the top, I’m at the bottom.
4. It’s wonderful to be popular and famous; it’s terrible to be unpopular and unknown.
5. If I make a mistake, it means I’m worthless.
6. My value as a person depends on what others think of me.
7. I can’t live without love. If my loved ones (partner, parents, child) don’t love me, it’s unbearable.
8. If someone disagrees with me, it means they don’t love me.
9. If I don’t seize every opportunity to get ahead, I’ll regret it later.

These rules inevitably lead to unhappiness. It’s impossible for everyone to love a person at all times; the degree of affection always fluctuates. With such rigid rules, any decrease in love is seen as its complete disappearance. Misjudging any situation can cause psychological trauma that feels worse than physical injury.

Unrealistic Desires Stemming from These Rules

1. Always be the epitome of generosity, wisdom, courage, dignity, and selflessness.
2. Always be the perfect lover, friend, parent, teacher, or student.
3. Endure any hardship with complete composure.
4. Always be able to quickly solve every problem.
5. Never get sick; always be happy and serene.
6. Always know, foresee, and understand everything.
7. Always be relaxed and in control of your emotions.
8. Always stand up for your rights and never harm anyone.
9. Never get tired.
10. Always be at peak productivity.

These desires ignore the reality of human limitations—no one can achieve them all. Neurotics expect from themselves what is impossible for anyone else. In therapy, this often shows up as a desire for instant recovery. Neurotics may visit countless therapists, healers, and even psychics, later claiming that no one could help them. As Eric Berne noted, neurotics don’t truly want to be cured; they want to become “good neurotics”—free of symptoms but unchanged in personality.

The Tyranny of Internal Dictates

These internal rules operate like political tyranny, ignoring the person’s physical and emotional state. Neurotics believe nothing should be impossible for them, taking on absurd levels of responsibility and never being satisfied with having done their best. Some try to overcome difficulties by sheer willpower, without addressing the root of their problems—an approach that never works. Neurotics want to fix every issue immediately. At best, they may perfect their behavior without changing their inner state, but eventually, a situation will arise that they can’t handle in their usual way.

Neurotic “Shoulds” vs. Moral Standards

According to Karen Horney, neurotic “shoulds” differ fundamentally from moral standards. Neurotic shoulds are arrogant, aimed at glorifying the neurotic and their supposed godlike status. They are a compulsive imitation of normal moral aspirations, leaving as little freedom as applause for a dictator. When someone fails to live up to their neurotic shoulds, they experience intense neurotic reactions—guilt for the compliant type, self-righteousness for the aggressive type, and various shades in between.

These shoulds create constant tension and disrupt relationships, often resulting in hypersensitivity to criticism. Never criticize a neurotic—you’ll make an enemy. Neurotic shoulds suppress spontaneity in feelings, desires, thoughts, and beliefs. Defense mechanisms may temporarily hide this inner tyranny, making the neurotic believe they’re acting on their own wishes, even when ignoring their own well-being.

Neurotics and the Pursuit of Prestige

Neurotics are often highly capable, sometimes achieving much in life, but they rarely gain the self-confidence and self-respect they desperately need. High status can lead to arrogance and a constant need to command, to prove they still have power. As soon as others no longer depend on them, they are abandoned, their health declines, and they lose their position—left with nothing. Many only seek help from a therapist when it’s too late, often regretting not doing so sooner.

Pride is a hallmark of the neurotic personality. As Arthur Schopenhauer said, pride is a cheap feeling, especially national pride. Neurotics crave prestige and association with prestigious groups or institutions, which can make them opportunistic and destroy their individuality. They don’t value their real strengths, instead taking pride in their idealized self-image—always seeing themselves as more important than they are.

Fear of the Unexpected and Shyness

Any surprise causes fear in a neurotic, so they try to make their lives as predictable as possible, even in love, which can make them dull. When faced with a new problem, they look for similarities to past issues, trying to apply old solutions to new situations.

Shyness is another distinctly neurotic trait, often formed in early childhood through repeated shaming. Once established, it can poison a neurotic’s entire life, sometimes with tragic consequences—such as delaying medical care for treatable conditions out of embarrassment.

The Neurotic Need for Love

Neurotics often desperately crave love, seeking kindness, help, and advice from others, and wanting to bring them joy while fearing to offend anyone. Ironically, their hypersensitivity, hidden hostility, and critical demands prevent them from achieving the love they seek. They misjudge how others perceive their words and actions, blaming others for their lack of success in relationships and believing they lack the ability to be understood.

According to Horney, love is the ability to give and receive warmth. Neurotics, however, are extremely jealous and suspicious of third parties. Any interest their loved one shows in someone else is seen as neglect. Any demand is interpreted as betrayal, and any criticism as humiliation. They demand perfection from others, which is inherently hostile: “Woe to you if you’re not perfect!”

Using another person as a means to an end—whether for sexual satisfaction or social prestige—is incompatible with real love. Sometimes, what is mistaken for love is actually gratitude for admiration. When admiration stops, the neurotic sees it as the end of love. True love is not entirely selfless, but it is not based on neediness or dependency.

Love vs. Neurotic Need for Love

The difference between love and the neurotic need for love is that real love is about genuine attachment, while the neurotic’s primary feeling is a need for reassurance and calm, with the illusion of love being secondary. If someone needs love just to relieve anxiety, they desperately seek any attachment for their own comfort, mistaking gratitude for love. Any decrease in affection is seen as its total absence, and true love cannot be accepted or trusted.

Signs of Neurotic Love

• Neurotic love is obsessive. For the neurotic, love is not a luxury or a source of joy, but a necessity.
• They want to be loved by everyone, not just specific people. Even minor changes in tone or manner can ruin their mood.
• They cannot be alone; any contact brings relief.
• Sometimes, their need for love is focused on one person, but even then, they don’t find happiness with their “idol.”
• They are willing to pay any price for love, often resulting in submission and emotional dependence.
• Submission means they avoid criticism, allow themselves to be mistreated, and hide their suffering—until it erupts later.
• Emotional dependence creates the feeling that the world will fall apart without their loved one’s approval, leading to resentment and anxiety.
• After several painful relationships, neurotics may give up on personal happiness altogether.
• They may ignore their own interests to please a boss or partner, seeking approval at any cost.

Inability to Truly Love

The final sign of an inability to love is ignoring the other person’s individuality, needs, and desires. This stems from anxiety, causing the neurotic to cling to others for self-preservation, without regard for the other’s wishes or well-being. Outward displays of devotion may mask underlying resentment or neglect of the other’s needs.

Neurotics who seek love as a defense rarely realize their inability to love. It’s impossible to despise, distrust, or wish harm to someone while also craving their love and support. Even if they receive the love they crave, they cannot truly accept it, always doubting its sincerity and demanding constant proof. Any decrease in affection is seen as its total loss. True love remains out of reach.

Conclusion

Neurotic love is compulsive and all-consuming. For neurotics, love is a necessity, not a joy. They want to be loved by everyone, cannot be alone, and are willing to sacrifice themselves for approval. Yet, their own anxiety and unrealistic expectations prevent them from experiencing genuine love or self-respect. The path to healing begins with recognizing these patterns and seeking help before it’s too late.