How to Control Your Emotions and Keep Your Cool in Any Argument

Given: you + another person = an argument. Of course, you believe you’re right—otherwise, you wouldn’t be taking part in the discussion. However, your opponent is just as convinced they’re right and is doing everything they can to prove it. Both of you are trying to pull the other over to your side and get that coveted, “Yes, I admit it: you’re right!” The argument gets more and more emotional, threatening to turn into a serious conflict. Raised voices, insults, rage, anger—all of these are uncontrolled emotions and their consequences, which you’ll likely regret later.

So, how do you “save face” when someone is yelling at you, without yelling back? How do you keep your head when emotions are running high?

This is a very relevant topic, so I’ve decided to share a few tried-and-true NLP techniques that will help you take control of your emotions.

1. Learn to Dissociate

This means that during a conflict, you should try to see yourself from the outside, asking yourself questions like: “If I say a few words back right now, how will the situation develop?” or “What is my goal in this conversation?” If it’s hard for you to see yourself from the outside, you can practice on any other day: record yourself on video and then watch how you look from the side. For example, film yourself on your phone when you’re angry, irritated, or happy. Next time you need to dissociate, imagine you’re watching a video of the conflict, with two participants—you and the other person. Dissociation reduces your emotional (kinesthetic) response and activates your logic. This is the perfect time to recall your communication goals and predict the consequences of the conflict.

2. Visual Reframing

Imagine the person you’re arguing with wearing a ridiculous, battered top hat, a pink hat, a clown suit with a red nose, or a ballet tutu—any silly accessory your imagination can conjure up. The sillier the item, the better it works. You can also imagine cheerful music playing in your head during the conflict: your boss is yelling at you, but you hear a circus march. This will change your emotional response: the automatic urge to respond negatively will be switched off.

3. Ten Breaths In and Out

When someone says something unpleasant and you want to snap back, don’t rush. Instead, take ten deep, slow breaths in and out. Feel the air filling your lungs, and notice how your mind becomes clear and calm. As the Japanese say: “First exhale, then think, and only then speak.” This technique is also aimed at shifting your emotional state.

4. Break Your Usual Pattern

Observe yourself using the dissociation technique: if you tend to wave your hands or gesture actively with one hand during an argument, next time, break this pattern—put your hand in your pocket or behind your back. By interrupting your usual pattern, you’ll break the automatic response, change the tone of the conversation, and as a result, stop yourself from automatically responding to rudeness with rudeness.

Just four techniques to stabilize your emotions—and you’ll feel lighter, without any guilt over losing your temper. You can use all the techniques at once or try them individually. By the way, your opponent will immediately sense that something has changed in your mindset—you’re not taking the bait and you remain emotionally calm.