Negotiation Techniques: The Broken Record and Assertive Request Methods
This method is used to help a person achieve their fair demands, but it should only be applied to situations where you truly have an indisputable right. With this technique, you can make purchases, file complaints, or insist on the replacement of defective goods. It allows you to act confidently when dealing with various authorities, ensuring your request is fulfilled not only according to the law but also within the required time frame.
A manager can use this approach to require subordinates to fulfill duties arising from legislation and job responsibilities, among other things. The “Broken Record” technique can also be successfully applied in some family situations, especially when you are in a dominant position—for example, parents using it with their children. Its use is more limited between spouses, except in cases where one partner clearly violates the rights of the other, such as through alcohol abuse or violence.
The principle of this technique is to express your demands clearly, unambiguously, and as concisely as possible. You state your demand using an “I-message.” The other party may say anything to explain their refusal, but you keep repeating your demand—like a needle stuck on a damaged record. You do not allow yourself to be distracted from your goal, nor do you defend or justify yourself. You agree with everything that is true or at least seems plausible in your opponent’s arguments.
Let them voice any factual inconsistencies; you simply respond, “You’re right, that happens.” The only thing you insist on is your demand. This puts your opponent in a paradox: you keep agreeing with them (but only on secondary points) while firmly sticking to your main point.
It’s important to consistently maintain an assertive position from the very beginning of the conversation. This means behaving as someone who is confident in their rightness and considers their opponents to be decent and experienced people. You remain calm and relaxed because you have nothing to fear—the outcome is predetermined by the facts. Throughout the “game,” you should not feel or show fear; otherwise, your position will become timid rather than assertive.
Be careful when ending the conversation. Once you have achieved your goal, thank the other person politely. Do not make remarks like, “Well, that took a lot of arguing!” Such comments are aggressive, not assertive.
Note that this method does not strengthen relationships, so it should not be used too often with close people.
How to Use the Technique
- Describe the event.
- Explain the consequences for you and describe your feelings about it.
- Appeal to fairness (the criterion). Explain why you believe the situation is unfair.
- Say “therefore…” and state your proposal (describe your preferred outcome).
- After your opponent presents their objections, acknowledge their validity. Repeat them, then restate your demand without further arguments.
- Continue to agree with each plausible argument from your opponent, then add your demand using the word “and.”
Assertive Request
A request is an honest expression of your position and desires, made in such a way that the other person is free to agree or refuse, since you are asking for their opinion and willingness. A request stops being a request and becomes a demand when you somehow indicate (often through tone of voice):
- that you expect a certain answer,
- that you have a right to a certain answer,
- that you will feel hurt (upset, angry, abandoned) if your request is not granted.
Sometimes we feel awkward when we need to ask someone for a favor. This is especially uncomfortable when we believe the other person is obligated to help us: if they should do it but don’t, we see it as rude or even immoral. However, unlike situations where we are defending our legal rights, here we are relying on the other person’s goodwill.
For example, you are in a hurry, but someone does not want to let you go ahead in line. Instead of politely asking for a favor, you might attack them for not helping, feeling anger or irritation. Another problem is that some people cannot bring themselves to ask for a favor, or if they do, they ask in a way that suggests they don’t expect their wishes to be fulfilled, as if they are unworthy of a positive response. They don’t want to feel humiliated by a refusal. They are sure they will be refused and fear it.
In early childhood, parents meet a child’s basic needs even without being asked—they feed, clothe, and protect the child, making decisions about what is good or bad for them. Erich Fromm called these “primary bonds.” As people grow up, they break these bonds and become free. However, as external control decreases, so does care. Most people are not ready for this and expect others to take care of them.
The reality of a free person is that they do not allow themselves to be bossed around, and at the same time, they understand that no one is obligated to take care of them. They realize: “If I need something from others, I can ask for a favor. If they agree, great; if they refuse, oh well.”
Everyone has the full right to ask for what they need without feeling humiliated. The other person has the full right to do you a favor or refuse without feeling guilty.
When you ask for a favor, act confidently but not arrogantly. Imagine that the person you are addressing wants to help you but doesn’t know how. State your request directly and politely.
Some people refuse help even when they really need it. Often, we decline help because we fear feeling indebted to the person. We worry that if they later ask us for a favor, we won’t be able to refuse. This often happens because we don’t know how to reciprocate.
One possible solution is to accept the help you need with dignity and thank the person for it. Gratitude, such as “Thank you, you really helped me out!” is an act of recognition, satisfies the other person’s need for self-respect, and serves as a reward in itself.
A compliment is also a kind of favor, even if we didn’t ask for it. Accepting praise gracefully is a way of accepting the other person. They have every right to feel gratitude, admiration, and other positive feelings toward you. These feelings do not obligate you in any way; it is enough to simply thank the person for their kind words.