Question Strategies

Why do we ask each other questions? It seems like the answer is obvious: when we want to learn something, that is, to get information we’re interested in. Well, let’s take a closer look.

– Hi. How are you?
– Good.

And really, that’s great. It’s good that your conversation partner didn’t launch into a half-hour story about how they’re doing. Because that’s not what you were asking about. In fact, you weren’t really asking anything at all. Your question served a different purpose. In this case, it was to start communication, to initiate a conversation.

Or take the question at the beginning of this article. Did we expect you to answer? Of course not. (See, we just asked another question and answered it ourselves.) The main goal of these questions is to actively engage you in reading and thinking about the text. We do the same thing in spoken communication. Unlike a monologue, which a listener can half-ignore, questions demand a response and literally pull listeners into the conversation.

How Questions Influence Others

Want to know how to easily and subtly influence others using questions?

Now pay attention. This is no longer “just a question.” This is an example of hidden influence. The goal is to spark curiosity and create a desire (in this case, to attend a training). Read it again. Do you feel how it works?

How Many Times Do I Have to Repeat Myself?

How many times have you asked your child this? And what answer did you expect?

In parent-child relationships, the actual content of the question often doesn’t matter. Well-phrased rhetorical questions gently point out a mistake on one hand, and develop a child’s intuitive thinking on the other. Poorly phrased questions can not only kill a child’s desire for independence, but also seriously harm their psyche. Sometimes for life.

Speaking of children, what’s the right question to ask a child coming home from school? Don’t rush to read the answer. Stop and think. This little thing alone can make your child happy—or the opposite.

The right answer is: none. This is one of those times when questions can wait. The first reaction a child should get when coming home from school is to feel loved and welcomed. It doesn’t matter if they have good or bad grades, if they’re clean or dirty, happy or sad—any version of them. Because you really do love them, right?

I Ask, But I Don’t Answer

Sounds like the name of a game of cat and mouse. HR specialists play it every day during job interviews. They ask candidates a huge number of questions and get just as many answers. But ask any professional, and you’ll be surprised to learn that most of the time, they’re not interested in the answers at all. Why? Because HR pros know that 9 times out of 10, candidates aren’t telling the truth—they’re trying to look better than they really are.

So why so many questions? Simple. HR professionals aren’t listening to the answers; they’re watching for other things (gestures, facial expressions, posture, clothing, scent, skin color, involuntary reactions, etc.). That’s where they find the answers they’re really looking for. Just like in detective movies—there’s direct evidence and there’s indirect evidence. Same here. There are direct questions, and there are indirect ones that help break through the “yes or no” game.

Want to learn how to do this too? Oops, sorry, looks like we’re trying to manipulate you again.

Getting Information Is Hard

Let’s suppose we’re lucky with our conversation partner. First, they’re willing to answer all our questions. Second, they swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (maybe they’re an alien or an angel in disguise). Let’s try to find out what to feed them.

– What do you want for dinner tonight?
– More than anything, I want potatoes.

Great. Can we go cook potatoes now? Not so fast. Look:

– Do you want them boiled or mashed?
– Hmm… Actually, I don’t like boiled potatoes. I like fried potatoes.

Oops. One question wasn’t enough. But now can we head to the kitchen? Hold on.

– Do you prefer them fried in sunflower oil or olive oil?
– Sunflower oil. And, sorry, but I see you’re cutting the potatoes into sticks, and I like them sliced into rounds.

Oh, wow! Good thing they’re nearby and can just tell us what they want without all these questions!

• … A little more salt.
• … No pepper.
• … No, fry them a bit more.
• … And onions? You forgot the onions!

Whew. And that’s just plain potatoes. What about an employee whose boss (who isn’t always a kind, patient, and forgiving angel) gives them a task? How do you ask the right questions? How do you get the information you need?

Questions as Elements of Communication Strategies

As you can see, questions aren’t so simple. It turns out they’re not great for getting information and require special training or even special equipment. (Not a bad idea—a lie detector as a wedding gift for the bride. Or maybe before the wedding?)

But in skilled hands, questions are an effective tool for influence and subtle persuasion. Often, when we ask questions, we’re not looking for an answer—we’re trying to hint, to nudge someone toward an action, to indirectly plant an idea. Some people do this professionally, some not so much, and some can’t manage others at all and have to accept being managed themselves.

So, do you still have (or now have) questions? Excellent. That was one of our goals when we started writing this article. And yes, we really hope you’ll want to find the answers. You will, won’t you?