Fear of Rejection (Fear of Being Rejected)

The fear of looking foolish, fear of ridicule, fear of rejection, being turned down, and fear of criticism or negative judgment often lead people to stop taking action, whether in their work or relationships. The fear of being rejected can cause a person to procrastinate, spend a lot of time worrying, and remain inactive. As a result, their reality doesn’t improve—in fact, it often gets worse.

Step 1: Make a List of Your Wishes and Needs

Please write down a list of your desires and necessities. For example:

• I want to text Vasya, ask how he’s doing, and chat.
• I want to start going to the pool and learn how to swim.
• I need to open a bank card.
• I need to start running.
• I need to find friends.

Write honestly, straight from the heart.

Step 2: Identify the Fear Behind Each Item

Next to each item, add the specific FEAR that’s stopping you from doing something that would be easy for someone who doesn’t have your fear of rejection. That person isn’t afraid of being turned down.

Describe your fear exactly as it feels to you, in detail. For example:

• I want to text Vasya, ask how he’s doing, and chat. I’m afraid Vasya will ignore me or reply politely but formally, and there won’t be a real conversation. I’ll feel ashamed for seeming pushy.
• I want to start going to the pool and learn how to swim. I’m afraid they’ll tell me there are no adult swimming lessons. I’ll be turned down. I’ll feel embarrassed that I’m an adult who can’t swim.
• I need to open a bank card. I’m afraid the bank will refuse me for some reason. I’ll feel ashamed that I’m not like everyone else, that I can’t even open a card.
• I need to start running. I’m afraid I won’t be able to run even ten meters, and someone will tell me, “Get off the track, you don’t belong here.” I’ll feel terribly ashamed if I get kicked out. It’ll mean I’m a total failure.
• I need to find friends. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it. No one will want to be friends with someone like me. I’ll be rejected, and no one will need me. Or I’ll have to pretend to be friends with people I’m not interested in.

Step 3: Get to Know Your Fear

The first step in working with any fear is to get to know it better, understand it 100%, explore it, and figure out what it’s really about. What’s behind it? What is it signaling?

When we describe (or write down) our fear in detail, it stops being a huge, overwhelming, foggy feeling. Fear becomes a normal, useful emotion with a rational or irrational meaning behind it. This gives us the chance to act thoughtfully and purposefully.

Shame: The Emotion Behind Fear of Rejection

Very often, behind the fear of rejection is a powerful, even panic-inducing, fear of feeling shame. Shame is a painful emotion for many people, and it’s an effective way to stop yourself (or a child) from taking action.

After you’ve made your list and described in detail what scares you about taking action, analyze:

• What feeling is behind your fear of rejection?
• Are your fears rational (reasonable) or irrational (based on memories of past failures)?

Then, move forward simply and effectively.

Step 4: Work Through Past Experiences

If your fear of rejection is based on mistaken expectations or memories from the past, you need to work through that episode.

For example, Petya is afraid to write texts because a teacher once criticized his essay in school and told him he’d never be able to write. Rationally, Petya knows there are many stories of mistaken rejections. J.K. Rowling was rejected by dozens of publishers (I still wonder what happened to the bosses who made those decisions when they realized how much money and fame they lost). Konstantin Meladze was almost not accepted into music school, and one of his first hit songs was rejected—he even tried to erase it. There are hundreds and thousands of such stories in human experience.

The rational part of you understands that rejection can be a mistake, can be random, and is just a one-time event after which you should keep taking action. Think and do.

But the child inside, the living memory of a painful experience of rejection, says “STOP.” I’ll want, but I won’t do. Dreaming—YES. Wanting—YES. Knowing that action is needed—YES. But doing—NO. STOP. Because the memory of being rejected is still alive—it HURTS and is shameful. I don’t want that anymore, so I block myself from taking real, active steps.

In my opinion, it’s easier and more effective to work through past experiences with a psychologist.

In any case, whether on your own or with a professional, you can and should resolve and complete the story from your past that’s blocking your actions now with the fear of rejection.

Step 5: Analyze the Reasons for Your Fear

So, separate the causes of your fear and analyze: Are they real? Or are they “greetings from the past”?

Work through and process your past experiences. Attention! Don’t devalue, dismiss, suppress, or ignore them! If you do, the emotional charge will remain, and the situation will keep repeating itself because it hasn’t been understood, resolved, or completed.

Step 6: Address Realistic Fears with a Plan

Another option is that your fears are based on real reasons. Look at your list (and your own, of course) and check: Which fears are real and justified?

• Could Vasya ignore you? Yes.
• Could the bank refuse you? Yes.
• Could there be no adult swimming lessons at the pool? Yes.
• And so on.

In this case, the solution is simple, reliable, and effective: create a clear, step-by-step plan for what you’ll do if you’re rejected. You can even write it out in detail so you have something to rely on.

The key is that your “Plan B” should be very real and detailed.

For example: If I’m refused at the “Happy Daisies” bank, I’ll go open a card at “Fiery Poppies,” 300 meters from home, open from morning till evening. Then, if needed, I’ll try “Greedy Goblins,” 700 meters from home, and then Sberbank, 100 meters from work. If I’m refused, I’ll ask for the reasons why.

And always ask yourself: What else am I afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?

1. Give a detailed answer to “What’s the worst that could happen?”
2. Is this about reality (then make a backup plan), or is it about the past (then work with a psychologist—real or imagined)?

Even if you get a 100% rejection, you’ll gain access to the energy you used to spend on fear and anticipation, and you’ll feel relief and be able to use that energy for yourself.

When Fear of Rejection Shapes Your Personality

For some people, the fear of relationships and fear of action become core parts of their personality. These are people with avoidant (anxious) personality types.