Self-Regulation: Learning to Choose Your Emotions

Modern life is full of events, emotions, and stress: waves of COVID outbreaks and related restrictions, military conflicts affecting almost every family, inflation, business closures, reduced incomes, and job losses. It may seem impossible to talk about self-regulation or choosing emotions when most of them are negative. However, psychologists insist that even in these circumstances, mental self-regulation is possible, and we have a choice in how we feel amid the chaos that recent years have brought.

Our readers who have completed the “Mental Self-Regulation” and “Be Your Own Psychologist” programs have already learned to cope with almost all negative emotions. Even they may find something new here, and for everyone else, we highly recommend today’s material.

What Is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is a broad concept that covers many aspects. There is self-regulation of the body—such as breathing, metabolism, sleep, and so on. We can hold our breath or fight off drowsiness for a while, but a healthy body will do everything it can to maintain the conditions necessary for life.

More relevant here is “self-regulation of mental state”—the ability to understand and control your emotions, manage your behavior, anticipate the consequences of your actions, and adjust your responses to achieve conscious goals.

Some psychologists sum up mental self-regulation as “Think before you act” (Yu. Tsiruleva, 2020). While this is a universal recommendation, it’s not always easy to follow. It may help to remember that self-regulation is possible even for very young children.

Children’s minds are more flexible, so self-regulation skills, like any other, are easier to learn in childhood.

Developmental Stages of Self-Regulation

Psychologists believe that basic conscious self-regulation appears in children as young as age 3 (Ya. Karpova, 2021). Infants have only involuntary self-regulation, but by ages 3-4, children begin to act consciously.

We gradually master different levels of self-regulation, from involuntary to fully conscious and motivated. Here are the stages of self-regulation development in healthy individuals:

• 3-4 years: Involuntary to voluntary self-regulation ratio is about 7-8 to 1. One conscious act for every 7-8 involuntary ones.
• 4-5 years: Ratio is 4 to 1. Conscious self-regulation develops mainly through play.
• 5-6 years: Ratio is 1 to 1. Memory, speech, and imagination develop, balancing conscious and unconscious actions.
• 6-7 years: Ratio shifts to 3-4 to 1 in favor of conscious self-regulation.
• 8-20 years: Skills are refined and new ones are learned.
• 20-40 years: Active use of conscious self-regulation in daily life.
• 40-60 years: Gradual shift from active to passive self-regulation.
• 60+ years: Predominantly passive self-regulation methods.

What are passive self-regulation methods, and how do they differ from active ones? Let’s take a closer look.

Methods and Techniques of Self-Regulation

The division between active and passive methods is somewhat arbitrary. Some people spend a lot of mental energy on reflection, while others find physical exercises for tension and relaxation easy.

Self-regulation methods can also be categorized as natural or artificial (Ya. Karpova, 2021). What matters most is practical usefulness, so let’s look at both types.

Natural Self-Regulation Methods

Natural methods are based on states and actions inherent to humans and don’t require special effort. Examples include:

• Rest and sleep
• Walking
• Enjoying nature
• Sunbathing
• Listening to music
• Reading favorite books
• Watching movies
• Appreciating art
• Humor, jokes, smiles
• Socializing with pleasant people
• Reflection and inner dialogue
• Pleasant memories

Drawing, singing, playing musical instruments, dancing, and sports are also considered natural, even though they require some effort, because they are based on natural human activities.

Artificial Self-Regulation Methods

Artificial methods require special training and are aimed specifically at regulating mental states. Unlike natural methods, their main purpose is self-regulation. Examples include:

• Meditation
• Relaxation techniques
• Autogenic training
• Systematic desensitization
• Sensory imagery reproduction
• Ideomotor training
• Breathing exercises

These methods often overlap. For example, breathing exercises can be used alone or as part of meditation or relaxation. Imagination plays a key role in both systematic desensitization and sensory imagery reproduction.

Quick Self-Regulation Techniques

Before diving into specific methods, here are a few quick techniques to relieve nervous tension. They are usually short-term but require no special training or much time:

• Rocking: Sit or stand and gently rock back and forth or side to side. Close your eyes and tilt your head back slightly.
• Opening up: Make a few sweeping or circular arm movements, then stretch your arms out in front and let them “open” to the sides as you relax.
• “Five Senses”: In 30 seconds, name five sounds you hear, five colors you see, and five tactile sensations you feel.
• “Thoughts on Paper”: Write down every thought that comes to mind until the flow stops.
• “Lemon Slice”: Imagine biting into a lemon slice—feel its taste and smell. Then imagine yourself full of energy and “feel” that state.

There are many variations of these techniques. For example, you can focus on three sounds or colors instead of five. The main idea is to shift your focus.

The first two techniques—rocking and opening up—are ideoreflex techniques used in the “Key” method developed by Russian scientist Khasai Aliyev for managing negative mental states, including stress. His system is based on the fact that repetitive movements calm the nervous system. Special “synchrogymnastics” exercises can be synchronized with your psychological state to quickly manage anxiety and approach problems more calmly.

Self-Regulation of External Awareness States

You can learn to manage your psychological state using self-regulation of external awareness. This method is used for preventing and rehabilitating somatic disorders, crisis states, and fatigue, especially in military personnel (E. Ageenkova, 2008).

This method involves working with attention and perception. By learning to control your attention, you can manage your psychological state. Practice distinguishing between narrowing and expanding your attention when perceiving external objects, both visually and aurally. This helps you focus on specific objects and switch your attention as needed.

Start with a simple exercise:

1. Look around and feel that you are “here and now,” in this place and moment.
2. Think about how this is a unique moment in your life, existing only “here and now.”
3. Look around again and realize that reality is ever-changing, and what you see now are unique moments that will never repeat.
4. Listen to the sounds around you—distinguish between distant and nearby sounds, city noises and nature, faint and loud sounds.
5. Listen to yourself—notice your breathing, perhaps the creaking of tired joints, your heartbeat.
6. Try to hear the world as a single orchestra, not as separate sounds—listen to everything together without focusing on any one sound.

This practice usually improves well-being and stimulates thought processes, helping you better understand yourself and the world. Elements of this approach are found in many meditation and relaxation practices. You don’t have to become a yogi or travel to Tibet—reading Japanese haiku poetry, for example, can also help shift your focus and calm your mind.

Snow melts…
The mountains are shrouded in mist…
A crow caws… (Geday)

Such contemplation helps shift your attention from negativity and can calm your nerves, making it easier to make sound decisions or patiently wait for a better moment. It allows you to harmonize your consciousness with the flow of events.

However, it can be difficult to keep your attention on the external world for long—your mind will start to wander. This is a clear example of how our brains tend to escape reality and focus on unrelated thoughts, which can interfere with work, study, or problem-solving. Instead, we often dwell on toxic thoughts and negative emotions, which do not help us resolve issues.

Therefore, contemplative practice is not only philosophically valuable but also a practical tool for shifting your focus from negativity to the outside world. Even a few minutes of focused attention can help your body return to a normal state. Negative emotions often trigger physical reactions like rapid heartbeat, sweating, or trembling. By learning to control your focus, you gain control over your mind and body.

Self-Regulation for Children

As mentioned, elements of conscious self-regulation appear in children as young as age 3 (Ya. Karpova, 2021). Children’s minds are more adaptable, making it easier for them to learn self-regulation techniques. School psychologists have developed ways to teach these skills to children (MBOU School No. 16, Kislovodsk, 2020):

• Use imagery: If a child faces a difficult or boring task (like cleaning), suggest they imagine themselves as a favorite character (like Cinderella).
• Recall positive situations: Help the child remember times when they felt good, like vacations or fun activities.
• Breathing control: Ask the child to hold their breath for 20-30 seconds, then exhale slowly. This distracts from worries and normalizes body processes.
• Distraction: Sometimes, letting a child watch a favorite cartoon or play a game can help them pause negative thoughts and later calmly consider solutions.
• Body awareness: Have the child rub their palms, clench and unclench fists, shake their hands, and describe what they feel (warmth, heaviness, tingling, etc.).
• Imagine their “self” outside their body: Ask the child to imagine their “self” managing emotions and behavior from outside their body. This is best for school-age children who can think abstractly.

It’s best to reduce negative and irritating factors in children’s lives so that negative emotions don’t overwhelm them in the first place. Is this possible? Let’s see.

Self-Regulation: Preventing Negativity

Preventing negativity requires conscious effort—proactive self-regulation before you reach a breaking point. Psychologists recommend these eight daily self-regulation strategies (Yu. Tsiruleva, 2020):

• Don’t fear change—see new things as opportunities, not threats.
• Identify your triggers—understand which situations provoke certain emotions.
• Practice self-discipline—stick to your plans and keep your main goal in mind, even if you’re not in the mood.
• Reflect on your feelings—look for new ways to act or respond.
• Learn to distance yourself—mentally or physically remove yourself from situations you can’t control right now.
• Consider the circumstances—pause if you feel you’re about to “explode.”
• Believe in yourself—remember your successes, focus on achievements, and connect with supportive people.
• Be honest with yourself—live according to your own values.

Being honest with yourself won’t protect you from all negativity, but it gives you a sense of control and helps you understand the root of problems, making it easier to find solutions.

Psychologists also suggest ways to maintain a good mood (Sh. Knight, 2021):

• Focus on positive emotions and recall them during tough times.
• Reframe failures as experiences, not disasters.
• Spend more time with optimistic, motivated people and minimize contact with toxic individuals.
• Praise yourself for your work and achievements.
• Smile as sincerely as possible.

Smiling is especially important because it triggers the release of “happiness” hormones. While we usually smile when we’re happy, the reverse is also true: smiling can actually improve your mood.

One more tip: focus on solutions, not problems. Dwelling on how bad things are is less productive than searching for solutions or taking a break and returning with a fresh perspective.

Most importantly, remember that you always have a choice about which emotion to experience: the one that overwhelms you spontaneously, or the one you consciously choose. Of course, it’s not always appropriate to smile or immediately read a book or watch a movie, but you can almost always take a few slow, deep breaths in any situation.