The Roles We Play in Life

Human beings are incredibly complex and multifaceted, making it nearly impossible to create a “complete” description or model of a person. However, sometimes it’s helpful to use an image or metaphor to better understand certain aspects of life. One way to describe our lives and behaviors is through the concept of Roles.

A Role is something we play; it has its own purpose and direction. On one hand, this is convenient: a Role provides a set of behaviors suitable for many situations. In fact, a Role is a template for how to act in a given context. Another advantage is that a Role is not the same as our true self, so mistakes made while playing a Role aren’t really “our” mistakes—they’re the Role’s fault.

The downside of Roles is their narrow focus and, often, their lack of flexibility and closed nature. Usually, the skills and achievements of one Role aren’t available to another. Most people are used to playing three or four Roles in life, while a good actor might have seven to nine types in their repertoire.

One big advantage of Roles is that they’re well-known. Their rules and goals are often discussed among friends, in the media, and on TV. Countless writers have described the most common Roles and their conflicts. (As you might guess, some Roles are written to be completely incompatible with others.)

So, a Role is a template. Personally, I don’t think Roles are bad or wrong—they’re very useful. The key is learning to use them as effectively as possible. Like any template, Roles have their strengths and weaknesses. I’m not suggesting we abandon Roles (if that’s even possible). The real question is: who’s in control—you or your Role?

The Life Role

Among the many Roles we play—some often, some occasionally, some we only know about—there’s usually one main Role, sometimes called the Life Script. This is the primary template, while all other Roles are just additions. Poetically, your Life Role is the main theme or melody in the grand symphony of the “Theater of Life.”

This doesn’t mean your Life Role never changes. People often switch to a different one, though sometimes the change is only symbolic. Here, we’re talking about your current Life Role.

Some people regularly play the Loser, always dropping cups and getting into trouble. Others play the Rescuer, often causing problems for someone (unintentionally) and then heroically saving that same person. There’s also the Free Spirit Role—someone who insists they’re free from everything, though it’s often unclear what exactly they’re free from and why they seem so insecure.

You can come up with your own name for your Life Role, such as:

• The Highly Moral Person
• The Doctor
• The Psychologist
• Momma’s Boy
• The Winner
• The Player
• The One Proving Confidence to Everyone (not to be confused with the Truly Confident)
• The Slacker
• The Impotent
• The Sexual Terrorist

Most of these Roles can apply to women as well (just change the gender), but here are a few distinctly female Roles:

• The Good Girl
• The Seeker of Life’s Meaning
• Juliet (especially amusing for a woman around 50)
• The Flirt
• The Gray Mouse
• The Unattainable Beauty (or the Snow Queen)
• The Best Friend
• I’m Not Just Anybody to You…
• The Independent Woman
• The Businesswoman

You can give your own meaning to each Role and have fun coming up with Role names for your friends and acquaintances. This is a fun exercise I highly recommend before you take a moment to reflect and try to identify your own Life Role. So, what is your Life Role?

Entering a Role

What we’re about to do is something you do all the time—especially as a child. This is called entering a Role. Children usually learn by playing games and trying on the Roles of parents, favorite movie or TV characters, or book heroes. They play and learn at the same time.

Let’s try to remember this approach and learn to use it in our daily lives. This is just one of many ways to describe a person and their actions. I’m not suggesting you simply swap your old Role for a new one. Instead, I suggest you learn to adapt to the situation. Just as every lock needs its own key, every situation requires its own behavior. If the key doesn’t fit, you either can’t open the door or you struggle with it for a long time.

A Role is just a template. The more templates you have, the more locks you can open. The ideal is to be able to adapt to any situation—to let the situation “shape” you. Another metaphor: become as fluid as water, able to fill any container.

0. The Meta-Role

Think about the Role you play in life. Come up with or recall a metaphor for this Role. It could be an image, a phrase, or a mood, such as:

• “Actually, I’m married.”
• “I’m SO sad.”
• “Nobody loves ME.”
• “I’m SO happy to see you all!”

1. Choosing a New Role

Now, think about and choose a Role that interests you and could teach you something new. Usually, I suggest picking a Role opposite to your usual one, or one you’ve never tried before. If you’re usually Shy, try the Role of the Bold or the Ladies’ Man. If your usual Role is the Glamorous Woman, try the Modest Girl.

“Opposites don’t contradict, they complement each other.”

Try to come up with a phrase, action, or emotion for this Role, like in an acting exercise. Maybe it’s a loving man who says, “And what’s your name?” in a soft voice, or a girl who shyly says, “It’s not my fault.”

2. Creating the Image

Imagine an image that represents this Role for you. There are three main ways to do this:

1. Picture yourself playing this Role. How do you look from the outside?
2. Recall someone who plays this Role well—a friend, a movie character, or a book hero.
3. Create an archetype of the Role: the Envious, the Hero, the Superman. This is a pure Role, without any baggage.

Each method has its pros and cons. If you picture yourself, it depends on how well you can play the Role. If you choose another person, you might also take on their issues, but only temporarily. If they play the Role well, you’ll likely do it naturally too. This is like the “Wife and Mother-in-Law Rule” or the “Husband and Mother-in-Law Rule”—when you marry someone, you get their whole family as a package deal.

The archetype doesn’t carry any baggage, but it can feel unnatural—like a character in a soap opera. If it’s a villain, there’s nothing human about them; if it’s a good girl, everyone else is bad and she’s always innocent. Archetypes are good for learning a Role, but I wouldn’t recommend using them as your main example—they need a human touch.

3. Entering the Image

Now, step into this image. Let your body do what it wants—change posture, relax, tense up, whatever feels right. Be an observer. Let the Role play you, but remember, you’re still in control. The Role only plays you as long as you allow it.

This is a very simple technique, but also very difficult. It’s easy to do, but hard to let go of control and just “let yourself go.”

4. Immersing in the Role

To better immerse yourself and notice the changes, talk, walk around, do different things, and think about various topics. Let yourself fully experience this new image. Try entering and exiting the Role several times. Notice the differences between your usual state and this new one. Entering a Role is like trying on new clothes—you need time to get used to it.

5. The Outside Perspective

Now, step back and look at both your Roles—the Meta-Role and the New Role. How are they different? How does your perception and thinking change? Identify and articulate these differences. Then, think about which situations suit your old Role, which suit the new one, and where neither fits and you need something else. Find what unites these types of situations and try to put it into words.

Expanding Your Roles

In a way, you’ve already practiced the first part of this exercise: “Entering a Role.” Now, the goal is to make your Roles—and yourself—much more flexible.

This description focuses on working with the Meta-Role. If you’re working with a situational Role, just start with that instead.

1. The Old Role

What Role do you play in life? What is your Meta-Role? Name it and come up with a metaphor that characterizes it.

2. The New Role

Think about a New Role you’d like to try. For starters, pick a Role that’s qualitatively opposite to your usual one. For example, if your usual Role is “Winner,” the formal opposite is “Loser,” but the qualitative opposite might be “Free” or “Calm.” This depends on your personal understanding of the difference. As before, name and create a metaphor for the New Role.

3. The Image of the New Role

Imagine an image that best fits this type—either yourself in this state, someone you know who embodies it, or an archetype like “Great Mother,” “Businesswoman,” or “Superhero.” Place this image a step away from you. Once it’s clear, step into it. Let your body act as it wants. Walk around, notice changes in your movements and perception. Talk and listen to how your voice changes. In short, immerse yourself in this Role.

4. Clarifying the Relationship

1. Now, turn and look at the image of your old Role. What do you think about it? What can you say about it from the perspective of the New Role?
2. Return to the Old Role. What can you say about your New Role? What advice or questions do you have for it?

5. The External Position

Step outside both Roles and look at them from the outside. What’s good about each Role? What can the Old Role give to the New Role? What can the Old Role learn from the New Role?

6. Expanding the Roles

Now, bring these images closer together until they touch. Let them exchange their most valuable qualities. Watch how the images change. Then, let these images dissolve into you. Integrate with them.

You can do this by imagining holding the Roles in your hands and slowly bringing them together so the edges of your palms touch. Don’t squeeze them! To integrate, press your hands to your chest and “push” the images of the changed Roles into yourself. Then, let them dissolve within you.

7. Checking the Results

Think about what will change in your life after these changes. What exactly will be different? Try to articulate and imagine it.