The Roles We Play in Life
Human beings are incredibly complex and multifaceted, making it nearly impossible to create a “complete” description or model of a person. However, sometimes it’s helpful to use an image or metaphor to better understand a part of life. One way to describe our lives and behaviors is through the concept of Roles.
A Role is something we play; it has its own purpose and direction. On one hand, this is very convenient: a Role comes with a set of behaviors suitable for many situations. In fact, a Role is a template for how to act in a given context. Another advantage is that a Role is not the same as you. Mistakes made while playing a Role aren’t really your mistakes—they’re the Role’s fault.
The problem with Roles is their narrow focus and, often, their lack of flexibility and closed nature. Usually, the skills and achievements of one Role aren’t available to another. Most people are used to playing 3-4 Roles. A good actor might have 7-9 types in their repertoire.
But a big plus is that Roles are well-known. Their rules and goals are regularly discussed among friends, in the media, and on TV. Countless writers have described the most common Roles and their conflicts. (As you might guess, some Roles are written to be completely incompatible with others.)
So, you could say a Role is a template.
I want to note right away that I don’t think Roles are bad or wrong. They’re very useful—the key is learning to use them as effectively as possible. Like any template, they have their strengths and weaknesses. I’m not suggesting you give up Roles (if that’s even possible). The real question is: who’s in control—you or the Role?
The Life Role
Among the many Roles we play—often, sometimes, or just know about—there’s usually one main Role, sometimes called the Life Role or Script. This is your main type or template, and all other Roles are just additions. Poetically, your Life Role is the main theme or melody in the grand symphony of the “Theater of Life.”
This doesn’t mean your Life Role never changes. People often switch to a different one, though sometimes the change is only symbolic. Here, we’re talking about your current Life Role.
Some people regularly play the Loser, dropping cups and getting into trouble. Others play the Rescuer, often unconsciously causing problems for someone and then heroically saving them. There’s also the Free Spirit—someone who insists they’re free from everything, though it’s often unclear from what, and why they seem so uptight.
Of course, you can come up with your own name for your Life Role:
- Highly Moral Person
- Doctor
- Psychologist
- Momma’s Boy
- Winner
- Player
- Proving to Everyone That He’s Confident (not to be confused with Actually Confident)
- Slacker
- Impotent
- Sexual Terrorist (or, in extreme cases, Sexual Terrrrrorist)
While most of these Roles can apply to women (just change the gender), here are a few purely feminine Roles:
- Good Girl
- Seeker of Life’s Meaning
- Juliet (especially amusing for a woman around 50)
- Vamp
- Gray Mouse
- Unattainable Beauty (or the Snow Queen)
- Best Friend
- I’m Not Just Anybody to You…
- Independent
- Businesswoman
You can give your own meaning to each Role and have fun coming up with Role names for your friends. I highly recommend this entertaining exercise before you reflect and try to identify your own Life Role.
So, what is your Life Role?
Entering a Role
What we’re about to do is something you do all the time—especially as a child. This is entering a Role. Children learn by playing games and trying on the Roles of parents, favorite movie or TV characters, or book heroes. They play and learn at the same time.
Let’s try to remember this approach and learn to use it in our daily lives. This is just one of many ways to describe a person and their actions. I’m not suggesting you simply swap one Role for another. I’m suggesting you learn to adapt to the situation. Just as every lock needs its own key, every situation needs its own behavior. If the key doesn’t fit, you either can’t get in or you struggle with the lock. A Role is just a template. The more templates you have, the more locks you can open.
The ideal is to be able to adapt to any situation—to let the situation “shape” you. Another metaphor: become as fluid as water, able to fill any container.
0. Meta-Role
Think about the Role you play in life. Come up with or recall a metaphor for this Role. It could be an image, a phrase, or a mood:
- “Actually, I’m married.”
- “I’m SO sad.”
- “Nobody loves ME.”
- “I’m SO HAPPY to see you all!”
1. Choosing a New Role
Now, think about and choose a Role that interests you and could teach you something new. Usually, I suggest picking a Role opposite to your usual one, or one you’ve never tried. If you’re usually Shy, try the Role of the Bold or the Ladies’ Man. If your usual Role is Glamorous Woman, try the Modest Girl.
“Opposites don’t contradict, they complement each other.”
Try to come up with a phrase, action, or emotion for this Role, like in an acting exercise. Maybe it’s a loving man who says, “And what’s your name?” Or a girl who shyly says, “It’s not my fault.”
2. Creating an Image
Imagine an image that represents this Role. I suggest three ways:
- Picture yourself playing this Role. How do you look from the outside?
- Recall someone who plays this Role well—a friend, a movie character, or a book hero.
- Create an archetype: the Envious, the Hero, Superman. This is a pure Role, without baggage.
Each method has its pros and cons. If you picture yourself, it depends on how well you can play the Role. If you pick someone else, you might also take on their issues—but only while playing. If they play it well, you’ll likely do it naturally too. This is the “Wife and Mother-in-Law Rule” (or “Husband and Mother-in-Law Rule”): “When you marry, you get all your spouse’s relatives as a bonus.” The same goes for those who, for whatever reason, can’t marry.
The archetype has no baggage, but it can feel unnatural—like a character in a soap opera. If it’s a villain, there’s nothing human about them. If she’s a good girl, everyone else is bad, and she’s always innocent. Archetypes are good for learning a Role, but I wouldn’t recommend using them as your main example—they need a human touch.
3. Entering the Image
Now, step into this image. Let your body do what it wants—change posture, relax, tense up. Just observe. Let the Role play you, but remember you’re still in control. The Role only plays you as long as you allow it.
This technique is both very simple and very difficult. It’s easy to do, but hard to let go of control and “release” yourself. I’m not talking about fear of something new—that’s natural.
4. Immersing in the Role
To better immerse yourself and notice the changes, talk, walk, do different things, and think about various topics. Let this image settle into you for a while. Try entering and exiting the Role several times. Feel the difference between your usual state and this new one. Entering a Role is like trying on new clothes—you need to get used to it.
5. An Outside Perspective
Now, step back and look at both your Roles—the Meta-Role and the New Role. How are they different? How does your perception and thinking change? Identify and describe these differences.
Then, think about which situations suit your old Role, which suit the new one, and where neither fits and you need something else. Find what unites these types of situations and try to put it into words.
Expanding Your Roles
In a way, you’ve already practiced the first part of this exercise: “Entering a Role.” Now, the goal is to make your Roles—and yourself—more flexible. Here’s how to work with your Meta-Role. If you’re working with a situational Role, just start with that instead.
1. Old Role
What Role do you play in life? What is your Meta-Role? Name it and come up with a metaphor for it.
2. New Role
Think about a New Role you’d like to try. For starters, pick a Role that’s qualitatively opposite to your usual one. For example, if your usual Role is “Winner,” the formal opposite is “Loser,” but the qualitative opposite might be “Free” or “Calm.” This depends on your personal understanding of the difference. As before, name and create a metaphor for the New Role.
3. Image of the New Role
Imagine an image that best fits this type: either you in this state, someone you know who embodies it, or a collective archetype like “Great Mother,” “Businesswoman,” or “Superhero.” Place this image a step away from you. Once it’s clear, step into it. Let your body act as it wants. Walk around, notice changes in your movements and perception. Talk and listen to how your voice changes. In short, immerse yourself in this Role.
4. Clarifying the Relationship
- Now, turn and look at your old Role. What do you think of it from the perspective of the New Role?
- Return to your Old Role. What do you think of your New Role? What advice or questions do you have for it?
5. External Position
Step outside both Roles and look at them from the outside. What’s good about each? What can the Old Role give to the New Role? What can the Old Role take from the New?
6. Expanding the Roles
Now, bring these images closer together until they touch. Let them exchange their most valuable qualities. Watch how the images change, then let them dissolve into you. Integrate with them. You can do this by imagining holding the Roles in your hands and bringing your palms together (without squeezing). To merge, press your hands to your chest and “absorb” the images. Then, let them dissolve inside you.
7. Checking In
Think about what will change in your life after these changes. What exactly will be different? Try to say it out loud and imagine it.