Rapport and Leading

At high levels of (subconscious) trust, a state called “rapport” can occur. The word “rapport” comes from English and means “connection” or “agreement.”

The presence of rapport indicates that a system has formed, and people begin to act as a single unit. For example, couples who dance tango or waltz well must have strong rapport. In other words, they must form a system. For people to become a system, there must be rapport between them. Simply put, if people have formed a system, there is rapport between them—and vice versa.

Rapport doesn’t mean you share the same thoughts and movements; it just means they are coordinated. In tango, each partner has their own movements, but they share a similar state, rhythm, style, and speed of movement.

One feature of rapport is the desire to follow someone, to feel warmth and trust toward them. When rapport appears, leading emerges: you change your state, and the other person follows. If you change your posture, so do they; if you slow your speech, they slow down too; if you relax, they relax. At high levels of rapport, even synchronized movements are possible—you raise your hand, and so do they; you move your right index finger, and they do the same. That’s why leading through movement is a good way to check for rapport.

The presence of leading is a sign of rapport. If there is rapport, you can lead; if you can’t lead, there is no rapport.

Have you ever noticed in a group that when one person yawns, others start yawning too? Or if you sit next to a sleepy friend, you start feeling sleepy as well?

By the way, with strong rapport, it’s often impossible to tell who is leading—there’s just a shared movement, a common direction for ideas, and everyone is engaged in the same topic.

Leading is one of the main tools of influence—you enter rapport and move together in the desired direction.

Story Example

A couple of people familiar with NLP went to a rock concert. When they took their seats, they noticed a girl next to them who looked very down. That’s unpleasant—you’re at a rock concert, but the person next to you is gloomy. What did they do? They didn’t ask, “What’s wrong?” Instead, they sat in similar postures, with similar breathing and facial expressions. Then, little by little, they straightened up, lifted their heads, and started smiling. Ten minutes later, the girl was smiling and shouting along with everyone else.

Summary

Calibration is needed to accurately interpret messages, matching helps align perception filters and achieve rapport. If you’re in rapport, you are now one system and can lead (him, her, them, us) in the desired direction. It’s very simple.

Next, let’s look in more detail at how to create and use rapport and leading.

Exercise: “Rapport Calibration”

Although the only sensory-obvious sign of rapport is leading, there’s a trick: rapport is symmetrical. If you’re in rapport with someone, they’re in rapport with you too. So, you can calibrate yourself.

This distinguishes rapport from trust—whether conscious or subconscious. You can trust someone you have no contact with (rapport only exists with contact)—for example, I trust Dostoevsky, even though he’s long gone. That’s how it should be—rapport is a sign of interaction. And for interaction (in both directions), you need a channel of information.

So, here’s the task. There are many situations where you have good rapport: you’re doing something together (like partner dancing), you’re having a pleasant conversation and feel good together. Identify how you feel this connection inside yourself. Compare it to someone who might be nearby but you feel indifferent toward. Try this with several people—at least seven, and in different situations—and find what’s common. It should be something quite sensory.

• A feeling of warmth and relaxation in the solar plexus area
• A feeling of expansion in the chest
• A light vibration rising from the lower abdomen upward

Yes, it’s most likely a sensation. These sensations that signal rapport are different for everyone. If you want, you can imagine a light bulb—when rapport appears, the bulb lights up. As rapport strengthens, it shines brighter.