The Psychology of Bullies: Narcissism, Low Empathy, and Fear of Failure

What really drives people who constantly act aggressively and enjoy belittling others—whether at school, at work, or in their social circles? The answer: fears and psychological trauma.

Natural-born bullies deliberately aim to make their victims feel worthless. In their social environment, aggressors constantly see others as competitors. They don’t just try to humiliate them, but also to demonstrate their own superiority over these “losers,” destroying their sense of self-worth. Much like in competitive sports, where winners are defined in comparison to losers, bullies identify themselves through their victims. Their self-esteem depends on their ability to pursue the defeated: “I am a winner because you are a loser.”

Recent studies have shown that bullies tend to have normal or even slightly inflated self-esteem (at least in areas like physical attractiveness and popularity). However, they are also extremely sensitive to shame and their own failures. As clinical psychologist Maria Lamia explains, the fear of being shamed is what bullies try to hide. They become enraged by their own shortcomings and failures, so they start to humiliate others, asserting themselves at their expense.

Bullies and narcissists follow the same behavioral strategies. In fact, it may be worth noting their close connection: all bullies are narcissists with an exaggerated sense of self-importance and low empathy for their victims. As a result, many narcissists become aggressive bullies, as happened, for example, with Lance Armstrong, who actively used the legal system and media access to humiliate his rivals or anyone whose statements and actions conflicted with his interests.

Many bullies grow up in troubled families. The notoriously aggressive NFL player Richie Incognito was himself a victim of aggression as a child. Lance Armstrong was abandoned by his biological father, while his stepfather often punished him with a belt. When these people grew up, they found ways to compensate for their trauma by humiliating others.

We can better understand what unconsciously drives a bully by looking at the emotions they try to provoke in their victims. For the bully, these people are projections of what they themselves are afraid of becoming—a failure.