Psychological Self-Defense and Survival Techniques

Stress, setbacks, uncertainty, and dissatisfaction are all both causes and effects of our daily struggles. Who survives and thrives in life? You can’t tell by appearance, predict by behavior, or deduce from conversations. But both they and you have your own survival skills. If you can define these skills, it will be easier to master them, and you’ll become more resilient.

Control Your Attitude Toward Others

Don’t confuse your own good intentions with what you expect from others. If you’re a kind person, don’t open up to others too quickly. Don’t expect anyone to thank you or even refrain from doing you harm in return for your kindness. As the saying goes, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

Don’t do good expecting gratitude. If you don’t expect thanks, you won’t be hurt by ingratitude. Do good, as the wise man in the story about the bird said, without regret and without expecting anything in return.

If you want to hear praise or gratitude, praise or thank the person who should have praised or thanked you—for what you did. Surprisingly, if you do this sincerely, most people will accept the compliment as if it were meant for them, even if you’re thanking them for your own achievement. Despite the irony, this trick can bring you peace of mind. Hearing your achievement recognized out loud is pleasant, and you may even hope that inspired by your example, people will remember to thank you in the future.

Stephen Covey’s “inside-out” principle also helps protect you from a hostile environment. If a person is self-sufficient, they react less to the negativity around them and feel more in control of circumstances. Albert Einstein’s saying, “Happiness is good health and a bad memory,” also helps preserve your inner peace: the more you forget the bad, the calmer you feel.

Value Lessons Learned from Others’ Mistakes

“Smart people learn from their own mistakes, wise people learn from others’.” If someone makes a mistake and you gloat, you won’t learn anything from their error, which means you’re not mature. You should be ready to expect mistakes from yourself as well.

This principle is close to another: “Judge not, lest you be judged.” Only by trying to understand others’ mistakes can you avoid similar ones. If you compare them to your “ideal behavior” and label them with judgment, you essentially rule out the possibility that something similar could happen to you. So, a practical take on the principle of kindness: “Don’t judge, be understanding, and you’ll be able to learn from others’ troubles and protect yourself from ‘obvious’ mistakes!”

“Throw Out Mental Blocks”

Our consciousness is made up of “deposited” parts of our thinking—mental blocks. Each block is a vivid impression, a habit, or just a thought that becomes a habit. Once formed, they can not only live in your mind but also be passed on to your children.

For example, a husband asks his wife why she always cuts off most of the pie crust, leaving only half. She admits it’s illogical but says her mother taught her. The mother says she learned it from her grandmother. The grandmother explains that their pan was much bigger than the largest serving dish, so she had to cut the pies to fit. Generations followed this example until someone finally asked why. Think about how many other unnecessary blocks are in your mind that you could get rid of. Once you start noticing them, you can replace them with new, more useful habits.

The ability to discard mental blocks is also useful at work. For example, a new boss announces, “From now on, we dance instead of sing.” Employees who adapt quickly to the new strategy live more peacefully. Those who can’t let go of old habits and beliefs struggle.

“Morning Is Wiser Than Evening”

The authors of this proverb probably didn’t do a statistical analysis, but their observation is brilliant. With the first rays of the sun, your mood improves, and many nighttime worries disappear on their own. The moral: don’t make decisions at night. Don’t be afraid of fears that attack you in the dark. Wait for morning—you’ll be much more rational. The same rule applies to children.

Another tip I read in a magazine for traders: fears torment those who lie down. If you can’t sleep, don’t just lie there.

The More Interests You Have, the Easier Life Gets

A friend of mine came to this conclusion when his family faced a tough situation in the early 1980s. The stress from uncertainty was overwhelming. In that situation, he asked himself, “What do you do if you no longer have friends, status, money, or an interesting job?” He decided: “You need to have diverse interests.”

He started taking music lessons and, to his surprise, found several peers in the group who had come to the same conclusion. There was an artist who refused to paint propaganda art and was out of work, and two others with less dramatic problems. They all discovered this principle and became interested in music and literature.

The greater the stress, the more valuable it is to engage in any kind of art or pursue your interests in other areas. Some may even go further and take up creative work. My friend still composes music during tough times in his life.

Remember Every Action and Feeling

How many times, when you were sick, did you think your illness was more serious than it really was? And then, when it happened again, you only remembered your worries after you recovered, even though you’d been through it before?

If you remember your feelings during unpleasant moments and visualize the main stages, you’ll feel much more protected. The same principle works when you remember your reaction to your loved ones’ problems.

You tell your children, “If you eat something cold, you’ll get sick like last time.” To follow this advice, you should encourage your child to remember how bad they felt during the illness, and after recovery, remind them of those feelings. Of course, explain things when the person is ready to listen and can understand, not during tough moments when your support is more valuable than an “I told you so.”

Self-Justification

We always find a way to explain to ourselves that the situation is somehow normal. For example, “The new boss isn’t so bad; it could be worse.” This is how we learn to fit into any situation. Along the way, we have to “throw out blocks,” because the faster you adapt, the easier it is to adjust to your environment.

This isn’t about abandoning your principles or saying that adapting is easy. But the alternative to “throwing out a block” is to spend your life arguing with your spouse over little things or being in constant opposition to management. It’s better to let something go and wait for your mind to justify the decision.

Self-justification works best alongside patience, “throwing out blocks,” and believing that “everything happens for the best.” Be patient, and you’ll see that the new situation will help you develop new habits and mental blocks that will eventually become acceptable or even more convenient.

Maybe the image of tossing an old car battery out the window will help you and your children adapt more quickly to new domestic or career situations.

You’ll notice that some time after an unpleasant event, the principle of self-justification kicks in, and you’ll find advantages in the new, unfavorable situation. In other words, self-justification smooths the process of adapting to life after a familiar mental block is gone. If you accept this principle, things will get easier.

And finally, today’s inconvenience may pay off many times over when fortune takes its next turn, which you can’t even see yet.

Biological Cycles

Some may call it mysticism, but haven’t you ever had a streak of bad luck in one area that threw you off so much that everything started falling apart? Sometimes, it feels like you’re balancing on the edge for an entire period of your life.

A friend of mine had a year of work problems, then his mother got seriously ill, and then his wife was hospitalized with a suspected severe illness. Suddenly, a once-successful person was on the verge of losing his mother, wife, and job. Statistically, it seemed impossible for so many disasters to happen at once. Some call these periods parts of a biological cycle. Sometimes, you succeed at everything; other times, for no reason, nothing goes right.

The idea of cycles is optimistic: cycles have a beginning and an end. In other words, problems always end. Often, your boat is thrown from stormy seas into a calm harbor without your help. But even constant reminders that suffering will end don’t bring complete peace of mind. “Is the light at the end of the tunnel an exit or an oncoming train?”—this question subconsciously arises in anyone going through a rough patch.

All these crises come with intense nervous tension, bordering on paranoid fear of the worst-case scenario. If your nerves are frayed at such times, there’s nothing wrong with admitting it: yes, I’m unlucky, yes, I’m scared, yes, I’m really nervous. At least admit it to yourself. Moreover, it makes sense to help yourself and start taking calming remedies. It won’t bring luck, but at least waiting for the end of the bad streak will be easier.

People often panic when a streak of bad luck comes suddenly. At such times, it’s hard to see where help will come from, or it seems like the situation will last forever. But it’s important to remember that being nervous is normal. The main thing is not to panic! Panic sets in when people forget that cycles always end, and that’s when despair can take over.

A Smile Is the Best Wrapper

We’ve all met people who hide dark intentions behind a beautiful smile. Usually, they’re charming, radiate optimism, and dismiss any doubts about even the most unrealistic positive forecasts. In reality, they shamelessly neglect their duties, undermine others, claim credit for others’ achievements, or report everything to management—all with a gentle, sincere smile.

American researchers conducted a retrospective study of politicians’ behavior. It turned out that candidates who promised less and were less outwardly optimistic achieved better results. In other words, the most cheerful ones were less consistent. So, it seems a smile really does help those who naturally have one, no matter what they’re like inside.

Since you can’t change the world, teach yourself and your children to smile, even if you have to force it. It will serve you well in life.