Mirroring in NLP: How to Build Trust and Achieve Understanding in Communication
Human relationships are based on psychological mechanisms honed over centuries. Understanding these mechanisms allows us to manage the communication process more effectively.
When you start interacting with another person, their attitude toward you and what you say can be described by two groups of criteria:
- Trust – Doubt
- Attention – Distraction
- Agreement – Disagreement
- Openness – Guardedness
- Willingness to learn – Desire to teach
- Surprise – Contempt
- Joy – Fear
- Acceptance – Rejection
Obviously, we prefer to communicate with people who fall into the first category. Sometimes we meet them, sometimes we don’t. Before learning about NLP, we might have thought, “That’s just how this person is,” believing their attitude depended on external circumstances beyond our control. If a client was in the second category, we’d just accept it. Or if someone who was usually positive suddenly shifted, we’d chalk it up to a bad day. We didn’t try to manage this—though perhaps we should have.
A Brief Neurophysiology Detour
Our brains are filled with special cells called mirror neurons. What do they mirror? Scientists discovered that these neurons began to appear in monkeys when they started using simple tools, like stones to crack nuts. Unlike climbing trees or eating fruit—innate skills—using tools had to be learned by precisely copying another’s behavior. Mirror neurons help with this copying during learning.
In humans, mirror neurons have two additional functions:
- Empathy – The ability to feel what another person is experiencing. When a loved one is upset, you not only understand it but may also feel their distress.
- Intention Prediction – The ability to guess what someone will do next based on their behavior. For example, if someone grabs an axe near a pile of wood, you can predict they’ll start chopping.
Mirror neurons are linked to learning, copying, and understanding others. Most of these neurons are usually “off,” so we don’t constantly feel or mimic those around us. They can be switched on and off as needed.
Maps of the World and Rapport
Every person has a unique model of the world—a set of rules and beliefs they accept as true. In NLP, this is called a “map.” Your map contains everything you know and believe about yourself, others, and the world. Everyone’s map is different, but there are similarities. For example, one person likes walking in cloudy weather, another doesn’t, but both believe in life on Mars.
When we start communicating and quickly reveal similar parts of our maps, our states tend to align with the first set of criteria (trust, agreement, etc.). If we notice differences, elements from the second set appear.
This state of mutual trust and understanding is called rapport. Experienced therapists realized that relying on chance wasn’t effective, so they began to intentionally demonstrate similarities with their clients, which created rapport. NLP founders studied this process and called it mirroring (or “matching”). When you mirror someone, rapport develops, and they begin to trust you, agree with you, and become open to your ideas—even those they previously rejected. They become interested in you and your ideas, and are willing to expand their map by learning from you.
You’ve probably experienced times when a trusted person told you, “Actually, it’s like this…” and you started to believe them. This is because processes in our brains are bidirectional: if we’re happy, we smile; if we force ourselves to smile, we start to feel happier. Professionals use this trick.
If someone is learning from us and their mirror neurons are active, they copy us. If we copy them, their subconscious doesn’t distinguish who is copying whom—it just registers similarity, triggering mirror neurons and rapport.
How to Mirror: Practical Techniques
Now, let’s look at how to mirror effectively. In any conversation, the other person’s trust or distrust depends on our behavior. You can mirror behavior or speech. Here are the main types:
Mirroring Body Language
If your conversation partner sits with their legs crossed, and you do the same, that’s mirroring. Do this subtly. A good tip: change your body position when you start speaking—it looks natural. If they’re standing with a hand on the table, do the same.
Mirroring Voice
You can mirror speed, volume, and pitch. The most important is speed, and it’s easier to control than pitch. Our speech is the brain’s translation of internal images, sounds, and feelings into words, and everyone does this at their own pace. If you speak faster than someone, they can’t process your words into images and feelings. If you speak slower, they get impatient. Matching their speed not only demonstrates similarity but also makes it easier for them to understand you, creating positive emotions. Fast speech is usually louder, slow speech quieter, so you’ll naturally match volume too. For fast speech, sit upright or lean back; for slow speech, rest your elbows on your knees—it helps control speed.
Mirroring Perceptual Systems
This requires the skill to switch between visual, auditory, or kinesthetic modes. If your partner says, “I see we’ll agree,” they’re using visual language. If you can switch to visual perception and use visual language, you’re mirroring. If they say, “I feel this is a strong argument,” that’s kinesthetic. The key is to genuinely shift your perception, not just use different words.
Mirroring Beliefs
If someone says, “Buckwheat isn’t tasty,” that’s a belief. Agreeing with them is mirroring. Express agreement as if you truly mean it, both emotionally and vocally.
Mirroring Goals
If someone expresses a desire, you can support it to mirror them. For example:
– “I want a house by the sea!”
– “That’s a wonderful dream, I can imagine how enjoyable that would be.”
Show that you want the same thing, not just that you like their goal.
Mirroring Problems
If your partner shares a problem and you acknowledge it as a real issue, you’re mirroring.
– “I’ve had fewer clients this month…”
– “That’s definitely a problem. I’ve been there myself and understand you.”
Don’t just say, “Great” or “Good” in these cases.
Mirroring Objections
If someone disagrees with your ideas, you can first agree to mirror them before presenting your argument.
– “I don’t think this will work as you described.”
– “I’d react the same way in your place. I understand you.”
Then, follow up with your counterargument.
Mirroring Hobbies and Interests
If someone has a hobby and you share it, mention it to mirror them.
– “Walking in the park for an hour every day is wonderful!”
– “Absolutely, it really is.”
If you’re not familiar with the hobby, don’t pretend—after a minute, you’ll run out of things to say.
Mirroring Values
Family, friendship, love, self-development, communication, comfort, health—these are values. If you identify your partner’s key values, show that they’re important to you too. For example:
– “I’d love to keep talking, but I have to pick up my child from daycare.”
– “Kids, despite all the challenges, are such a joy!”
Identifying core values takes more than a couple of sentences. Someone may mention having kids, but you need to learn how they feel about it. Remember, mirroring should not take you out of your comfort zone—otherwise, you’ll ruin your mood and the conversation. If your partner’s posture is something only a yoga master could imitate, don’t force it. Use the mirroring techniques that are easiest for you. If you can’t match their voice, mirror their beliefs or body language instead.
Speech Mirroring Techniques
- Positive Feedback: Good, excellent, great, right, exactly, etc.
– “We already work with a similar company.”
– “Great. Let me tell you what unique things we can offer.” - Taking Their Perspective: “I understand you, I agree, in your place I’d think/feel/do the same.”
– “That’s expensive.”
– “I agree. Let me explain why.” - Similar Situation: “That’s happened to me too.”
– “I got so many advertising calls today.”
– “Oh, I had a similar situation recently. Five different companies came to the office in one day offering insurance.”
The situation doesn’t have to be identical—just similar enough. - Repeating Key Phrases: Repeat the person’s main phrase.
– “That’s expensive!”
– “That’s expensive…” (thoughtfully, as if echoing an internal dialogue)
– “I don’t like the look.”
– “So, you don’t like the look…” (stating the fact, as if reminding yourself)
There are many more ways to mirror in NLP. You can mirror emotional states, meta-programs, archetypes, voice pitch and volume, habitual strategies, body signals, environment, group leaders, and more. With practice, you’ll be able to respond to every move your conversation partner makes, just like an aikido master, and use their behavior to guide the interaction. You’ll feel a genuine desire to agree and listen to everything they say, and you’ll be grateful for the material they give you to influence them. When this starts happening, the techniques above will be more than enough to establish rapport.
Mirroring is based on the idea that “the map is not the territory”—everyone’s perception is different, and these differences don’t mean one is right or wrong. Both people are successful in their own way, but their maps differ. When we respect others’ thoughts, ideas, and strategies, we can’t just say “no” when they say something outside our map. Instead, we say, “Great!” And once rapport is established, we can gently lead them into a new reality.
Wishing you success in mastering the strategies of geniuses in practice!