Choosing Your Role in Negotiations

In life, we usually play one of five roles: aggressor, victim, moderator, observer, or rescuer. The aggressor and victim are the two main roles, but the others are also present in almost every negotiation.

As soon as someone becomes the aggressor—raising their voice, interrupting, criticizing, or belittling us in some way—it can feel like part of our strength leaves us. We become small, withdrawn, immobilized, and tense. We become the victim. The victim, in turn, can easily become the aggressor. This pair, aggressor and victim, often interact in ways that defy logic.

It’s important to note that the aggressor isn’t always “bad” and the victim isn’t always “good,” nor is it inherently bad to be a victim. You can be a measured, constructive aggressor or a constructive victim.

For example, if everyone goes out dancing but you stay home to study, you’re a constructive victim that evening—you’re sacrificing short-term fun for long-term effectiveness. All of civilization is built on reasonable self-restraint. A measured aggressor is someone with willpower who can stand their ground. The key is to be constructive in your role.

When someone mumbles or seems to be making excuses, it can irritate the person they’re speaking to, provoking the aggressor by signaling weakness. Speaking quickly, mumbling, using a complaining tone, or having a “Why are you bothering me?” expression can trigger the aggressor in others.

The victim might say things like, “I’m not really here, just ignore me,” or “I’m not involved, I was just sent here.” If we speak unclearly, our conversation partner may feel compelled to speak more forcefully, use bigger gestures, or criticize us. The aggressor tends to dominate the space, both verbally and physically.

The Moderator Role in Negotiations

Another important role in negotiations is the moderator. In addition to participating in the process, the moderator manages the process itself. The moderator’s actions are independent of the content of the negotiations. Our “inner moderator” reminds us to move toward understanding, rephrase, interrupt, frown, or change our posture—regardless of the topic at hand.

The moderator can distance themselves from the situation, take a few metaphorical steps back, and view the situation from different perspectives. They rephrase, express gratitude, move toward compromise, use metaphors, interrupt, give compliments, address people directly, shift the conversation to another topic, or provide illustrative examples.

Like a host, you should be interested in the atmosphere and quality of the interaction. As an editor, you add punctuation to the conversation—sometimes a comma, sometimes an exclamation point, sometimes an ellipsis—regardless of the content. You’re always making sure the process stays lively and engaging for everyone.

The Observer Role

There’s an even more detached role: the observer. Every couple of minutes, take a “snapshot” of the situation: Where are you? What is the other person feeling? What are you feeling? As an observer, you mirror the other person, put yourself in their shoes, and look at the situation from the outside. You release tension through your breath and movement. If you lose this observer perspective, you may drift into your own thoughts and stop being present in the negotiation—effectively ending your participation.

What Can the Moderator Do?

• Hold pauses—only in pauses can the conversation take a new direction
• Listen and notice when the other person’s tone drops
• Rephrase what’s been said
• Summarize concisely
• Offer precise wording
• Use metaphors to clarify points
• Express sincere gratitude more often
• Summarize at different stages of the negotiation
• Stand up and walk around the room
• Be ready to joke subtly and inoffensively
• Ask for permission to speak
• Sit in a relaxed manner
• Move smoothly, even while seated
• Note the time out loud or to yourself
• Move your shoulders and check your breathing
• Be paradoxical and non-trivial more often
• Don’t be too afraid of originality
• Ask clarifying questions (that are easy to answer)
• Lean back and relax for a few seconds
• Take notes or make quick sketches in a notebook

Our goal is to de-automate the negotiation process. We need to learn to recognize people’s momentary states and develop a taste for this awareness.

The Rescuer Role

The next role is the rescuer. The rescuer isn’t tied to the constant exchange of “aggressor–victim” roles. Their task is to break the spell of being stuck in one of these roles and to teach themselves to wake up from being drawn into aggression or victimhood. Throughout our lives, we’ve often found ourselves in situations of excessive aggression, especially in environments where echoes of violence are common. We all have countless small stories about this, often involving parents, neighbors, teachers, and others.

Our task is to recognize when we’re slipping into these old patterns. What cuts off our breathing? Why do we lose contact with our shoulders? Why can’t we move, even while sitting? We need to learn to exit any role we find ourselves playing. Try experimenting with this: after playing a role, finish by “de-roling”—step out of the character by making, for example, four distinct movements.

If you need to be clear and articulate, it’s very helpful to practice articulation exercises, tongue twisters, or counting rhymes. This is part of preparing for negotiations—not in terms of content, but emotionally, to set yourself in the right state of mind.