NLP: Confidence in Communication and Self-Confidence When Interacting

The ability to express yourself kindly and tactfully is the foundation of self-confidence. This is radically different from communication styles driven by stress—passivity and aggression. Passivity and aggression are born from feelings of insecurity and fear. These feelings primarily serve a protective function. They operate based on the “fight or flight” neurology that arises when our mind-body system faces danger or overload.

In contrast, self-confidence is a calm and gentle response when we think and speak about something, share our intentions, and do so while considering the other person’s state. How can your strategy for friendly conversation help you express what you think, value, feel, and believe? Do you have a good strategy that allows you to do this? Do you believe that confidently expressing your views, opinions, feelings, etc., is a basic human right? Since speech is one of the main human abilities, it simply implies taking responsibility for your own thoughts, values, and feelings.

Some people simply lack the strategy and knowledge of how to do this. They didn’t have good role models. Others have forbidden themselves from speaking up, so now they don’t allow themselves to express their feelings. They fear what might happen if they start acting confidently (a state of meta-fear). “If I express my opinion, people won’t like it, they’ll reject me, and think I’m bossy.” This lack of self-confidence is associated with numerous dysfunctional beliefs that need to be addressed.

Conceptually, confident behavior is different from “fight or flight” reactions—the two responses that arise when we feel fear, threat, danger, or experience violence. When we flee, we primarily feel fear—a sign of danger and stress. When we attack, we primarily feel anger—also a sign of danger and stress. Both aggression and passivity lack the resource of self-confidence. The following pattern allows you to communicate confidently, kindly, and respectfully, serving as a resource for communication and building relationships (Apskeaz & Apskeaz, 1989; Volzhaa, 2002).

Pattern: Confidence in Communication

1. Identify how you prevent yourself from speaking confidently.
   • What holds you back from speaking confidently?
   • Do you allow yourself to express your opinion?
   • Recall a time when you wanted to express your opinion confidently but didn’t feel you could. Notice the images you pictured. Where do you see them, how many are there, what are they like? Describe your mental images.
   • Also, note what you were telling yourself, whose voice it was, and from which side you heard it.
   • What feelings do you experience when you notice this, and where are these feelings located?
2. Identify the location of beliefs related to self-confidence.
   • When you think about expressing your own thoughts and emotions, what ideas or beliefs do you have about this?
   • Do you have any negative thoughts about assertive conversation?
   • What positive goals do you achieve by not speaking confidently?
   • Do you have any beliefs that support your disregard for your own opinion or denial of your right to be confident? If so, what are they?
3. Give more value and meaning to self-confidence.
   • What benefits will you gain if you become more self-confident?
   • When you consider all the advantages of more confident communication, which values do you find most important?
   • What do you think about other people who behave politely but firmly? If you used this resource yourself, what would it give you?
4. Fully imagine self-confidence.
   • What images, sounds, sensations, and words support your resource of confidence?
   • What internal movie would give you the greatest sense of self-confidence?
   • What are the qualities and location of your inner voice when you speak confidently?
   • What internal words or language would help you be more confident?
   • What would be the best tone of voice, speech tempo, and location of your voice?
   • What feelings would help you be more confident?
   • When were you at your most confident?
   • Incorporate these feelings into your mental images so you can respond confidently now and in the future.
5. Switch your mental images.
   • Place your images and representations of insecurity behind the images and representations of confident communication. Now, as you allow the images of insecurity to take on the qualities of the images of confidence, what do you feel?
   • Move your images of insecurity so they are behind the image of you speaking confidently. Change them so they reflect you as just as confident, in the same colors and movements as the images of confidence. Change your speech so your inner voice helps you be confident.
   • Whenever you see an image that makes you feel insecure, switch to the version of yourself who can easily speak confidently.
6. Future pacing.
   • Do you now clearly see yourself in the future, responding confidently in situations where self-confidence is a valuable resource? Good. Now step into that future and fully experience all the pleasant feelings associated with confident behavior.
   • Are you completely satisfied with this state? Do you like it? Will you keep it?