NLP: Effective Feedback Techniques and How to Handle Criticism

Hello everyone, this is Pavluu. Today, I’ll be your Stalilingus for a day and share a useful article on establishing feedback with your conversation partner. Let’s get started!

How Feedback Works in Communication

Whenever we communicate, we inevitably influence each other. Depending on what our conversation partner says or does, our behavior changes, and vice versa. Often, we want a specific reaction from others, even if we’re not always aware of it or willing to admit it.

One form of communication is feedback—responses to our actions, situations, or events. Sometimes this reaction is predictable, sometimes not, and it’s not always what we want to hear. Negative feedback often comes as criticism, where someone evaluates our actions for various reasons.

Why Do People Give Feedback or Criticize?

• To prompt action: The critic may want the person to do something differently (like work better), often without saying it directly.
• To vent emotions: Sometimes criticism is just a way to release emotions, and you might be the target even if you’re not the cause.
• To show competence or status: A boss criticizing an employee may simply be asserting authority. A professor might make strong remarks during a thesis defense to demonstrate expertise, not because the presentation was weak.
• To provoke a reaction: Some people intentionally seek a negative reaction to justify their own actions (like aggression or anger). For example, someone wanting to end a relationship may provoke their partner to shift the blame.
• To put someone in their place: Criticism can be used to humble someone who stands out too much by pointing out their flaws or weaknesses.

Responding to and Protecting Yourself from Criticism

Criticism is usually perceived negatively. Still, feedback can contain valuable information—a different perspective on your actions. Since everyone has their own view of reality, it’s important to filter feedback and focus on what’s useful.

So, how can you extract valuable insights from feedback and remain calm when criticized?

• Understand the critic’s intent: NLP teaches that every intention is positive for the person expressing it. Maybe they want to help, but their delivery is off.
• Discuss feedback preferences: If possible, talk to the person about how you’d like to receive feedback, or let them know if it’s not the right time.
• Manage your internal state: If criticism is meant to serve the critic’s needs, learn to control your emotions. Prepare yourself by recalling a time you felt confident and calm, and anchor that feeling for future use.
• Use mental imagery: Imagine a protective barrier between you and the critic, like a transparent wall or a shield. Visualize their words bouncing off harmlessly. Alternatively, picture the critic in a humorous or silly way to make their words less impactful.
• Observe from a distance: Imagine stepping outside yourself and watching the situation as an observer. This can help you detach emotionally.

Nonverbal Feedback

Feedback can be both verbal and nonverbal. Even before someone speaks, you can often read their reaction through facial expressions, gestures, and body language. Studies show that most evaluative information is conveyed nonverbally, so pay close attention to these cues.

For example, if someone praises your presentation but looks bored, their nonverbal signals reveal their true feelings. In NLP, this is called a metamessage—the overall nonverbal message that reflects a person’s internal state and attitude.

To interpret metamessages, ask yourself what the person is really communicating with their expression and posture. Try to put it into words, such as:

• “I’m extremely dissatisfied.”
• “I found your proposal interesting.”
• “I know exactly what I’m talking about.”
• “I’m just bored.”

Recognizing metamessages gives you a powerful tool for understanding others’ true attitudes.

How to Give High-Quality Feedback

When giving feedback, the goal is usually to help someone improve. For your feedback to be effective, it should be heard, understood, and acted upon. NLP offers several guidelines for high-quality feedback (see “NLP Practitioner’s Guide” by A. Pligin and A. Gerasimov):

• Build rapport: Establish trust and a positive connection before giving feedback.
• Use third-person perspective: Give feedback as if talking about someone else (he, she) rather than directly (you).
• Focus on behavior: Discuss specific actions, not the person’s character.
• Use past tense: Talk about what happened, not what is happening now.
• Start with successes: Begin by highlighting what was done well.
• Offer suggestions positively: Frame recommendations in a constructive way.
• Demonstrate your suggestions: Show, don’t just tell, what you mean.
• Let the person speak first: Allow them to reflect on their own actions before you give feedback.

Detailed Steps for Giving Feedback

1. Give feedback when you have a personal connection and trust with the person. Feedback from a stranger may be taken poorly.
2. Use the third-person perspective for a more neutral, less confrontational tone. For example: “It seemed that Alex didn’t fully understand the instructions and might benefit from reviewing the task in more detail.”
3. Focus on specific behaviors, not personal traits. For example, “When you presented, you spoke very quietly,” instead of “You’re a bad speaker.”
4. Use the past tense to separate the action from the person’s current state. For example, “When you prepared the report, the results were unsatisfactory,” instead of “Your report is terrible.”
5. Emphasize strengths first. Recognize what was done well before mentioning areas for improvement. For example, “Your essay was interesting and lively, but there were quite a few spelling mistakes.”
6. Offer concrete, positive suggestions for improvement. For example, “Next time, try speaking louder and more clearly.”
7. Demonstrate your suggestions if possible. Show the person what you mean so they can model your behavior.
8. Let the person reflect first. This encourages self-analysis and makes it easier for them to accept feedback and suggestions.

Self-Feedback

Giving feedback to yourself follows similar principles, except you don’t need to establish rapport with yourself or speak in the third person. After completing a task, praise yourself for what you did well, then objectively and positively consider what could be improved next time.

Criticism vs. High-Quality Feedback

Both criticism and high-quality feedback (HQF) can be useful in different contexts, but they serve different purposes:

Ways to Receive Feedback

• We always have a choice in how we give and receive feedback. It’s our personal responsibility to decide what to use and when.

In conclusion, remember: The meaning of communication is the response it elicits!