NLP: How to Find Common Ground
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) claims that it only makes sense to talk to someone in their own language. This is called “mirroring,” or more specifically, one type of mirroring. If you want someone to simply hear you (not to mention achieve a more important goal), you need to adapt to (or join) the worldview that person holds, or refer to examples from their personal experience.
Let me give you two very telling examples of harmful beliefs.
The Little Prince: The King Who Only Commands
Let’s take the famous philosophical tale, “The Little Prince.” When the Little Prince, out of naivety and inexperience, parted with his Rose and left his planet, he began to travel to other small planets—asteroids—where he met all sorts of people.
One of the most notable encounters was with the King. The King knew and could do only one thing: COMMAND. (He lived aimlessly and, in reality, didn’t command anyone or anything.) The Little Prince didn’t want to stay on the King’s planet, and here’s how their conversation went:
- “I don’t like passing death sentences,” said the Little Prince. “And anyway, it’s time for me to go.”
- “No, it’s not time,” the King objected.
The Little Prince was ready to leave, but he didn’t want to upset the old monarch.
“If Your Majesty wishes your orders to be obeyed instantly, you could give a reasonable command. For example, order me to set out on my journey without delay… It seems to me the conditions are just right for that.”
The King didn’t answer, and the Little Prince hesitated for a moment, then sighed and set off on his way.
“I appoint you as my ambassador!” the King called after him hastily, looking as if he wouldn’t tolerate any objections.
“Grown-ups are a strange bunch,” the Little Prince thought to himself as he continued on his journey.
Hodja Nasreddin: The Moneylender Who Could Only Take
The second example of a harmful belief comes from the tales of Hodja Nasreddin. This is the famous story of how Hodja Nasreddin saved the drowning moneylender Jafar, who was known as the “terror of his neighborhood.”
Like the King in Exupéry’s story, moneylender Jafar could only do one thing. But instead of commanding, Jafar only knew how to take. He didn’t know how to give at all.
One day, Jafar fell into a water-filled pit and began to drown. His relatives gathered around the pit, reaching out their hands to him and shouting, “Give!” But the drowning man seemed not to hear. He didn’t reach out to them, continuing to sink and resurface.
“But that’s moneylender Jafar!” Hodja Nasreddin realized. Without hesitation, he jumped into the water fully clothed, reached out his hand, and shouted, “Here, take it!”
A minute later, Hodja was explaining to Jafar’s relatives, “You were saving him the wrong way. You kept shouting ‘give,’ but you should have shouted ‘take!’”
Understanding Harmful Beliefs
Each of us has harmful beliefs and internal barriers that prevent us from receiving help that’s right in front of us, from seeing it, or recognizing it as help.
So don’t laugh at the moneylender or the king for their harmful beliefs in these examples.
How to Move Someone Stuck in Their Beliefs
This is a method for getting someone “stuck in their own opinion” to budge: speak their language, appeal to their worldview, and use examples from their experience. Only then can you truly connect and help them move forward.