NLP and Control: What Is It?

Care is the sunny side of control. Think about these words—how do they resonate with you? Sometimes what we call saving, helping, or kindness is actually a way to control others. Often, when we ask our partner, “How are you?” or “How was your day?”, it’s not always out of a genuine desire to connect, but rather a need to know what’s happening in their life, to stay informed about all their events. Uncertainty often causes anxiety. A codependent person knows a sure way to relieve it—by controlling someone else. This helps, but only temporarily, because the real issue, their own anxiety, remains unresolved.

Codependent people struggle to ask directly for what they need. We play the game of “I do for you, you do for me,” and get angry or hurt when we don’t get what we thought we deserved in return—a bonus, a prize for being “good,” “kind,” super-polite, or accommodating. We start helping when no one asks, and then demand gratitude in return. Offering help becomes a way to get something back—care, thanks, or the feeling of being a “good person.” Or we complain behind people’s backs about how unfairly the world treats us.

“I do everything for you, and you do nothing for me!”—maybe you’ve heard this phrase or even used it with your loved ones. In our desire to save the world and make it better with our help, we forget that control—even when it looks like care—is still pressure. Behind control is our often unconscious, grand desire to manage others. Codependent people believe they are more experienced and know better how others should live. They’re often called “puppet masters,” seeing the world as a stage where everyone else are puppets to be placed in the “right” spots—according to their own view.

But we forget that control, like any pressure, causes resistance and makes people not want to interact with us. This, in turn, leads to resentment, which is also a powerful way to control others—after all, the person we resent is supposed to feel guilty.

Is Control Always Bad?

As you read this, you might want to argue that there are situations where care, management, and control are necessary. And that’s true—there are small children, people in inadequate or dangerous states, or pets who can’t survive without us. This is the signal that separates natural, healthy control from obsessive attempts to manage others under the guise of care.

The first sign that our help is appropriate is when someone asks for it. More often, a codependent person imposes help, doesn’t give others a chance to ask, rushes to “soften the blow,” and in doing so, prevents their partner, spouse, or child from taking responsibility for their own life and mistakes. We fool ourselves into thinking others need our support. We lose touch with reality, seeing almost everyone around us as small and helpless. Without our advice, they’ll “mess things up,” won’t survive, or will suffer.

The codependent becomes a god who knows best how to act, speak, or behave. At this moment, the codependent is driven by the desire to feel powerful. By controlling others’ lives, we lose control over our own. It’s important to realize that the intense need to control everything and everyone is a mechanism that developed long ago. Codependent people often come from dysfunctional families—where something disrupted the normal development of the child. Maybe a family member was ill (addiction, mental illness), physical punishment was common, or a parent was emotionally cold. Sometimes, strict parenting was the norm. In any case, this mechanism once helped the person survive, but later became their only way to live and interact with themselves and others.

Of course, a person’s abilities are limited—it’s impossible to live several lives at once. By focusing on others, we lose control over our own lives. The codependent, driven by perfectionism, ignores their own exhaustion and gets sick. Sleep is often the first thing to suffer, signaling severe stress. Their personal life and career suffer because they’re busy solving other people’s problems instead of their own.

Behind all this is the need to feel nothing. We’re used to negative emotions—pain, loneliness, sadness, despair. Instead of dealing with our own pain, the codependent rushes to save someone else. In that moment, they have the illusion that fixing external events will heal their own heavy heart. If they just try a little harder, they’ll finally feel satisfied from helping someone else. But in reality, they remain forgotten, lonely, and unnecessary to themselves. As long as we can’t or won’t organize our own lives, we’ll keep managing others’ lives.

Ways Control Manifests in the Family Through Emotions

“If you don’t do what I say, I’ll be upset!” “Don’t tell grandma, she’ll get sad.” “You’re behaving badly, you’re a bad boy.” “You should be ashamed of your behavior, you’re acting wrong.” Sound familiar? If so, you might know the feeling of not wanting to feel at all—because these emotions stab at your heart and are unbearable. Parents often use guilt and shame as tools in raising children. It’s unfortunate when a parent only has this method to influence a child. Then, these feelings go from being normal, necessary experiences to being a whip—a way to control a child, the only way to influence them.

“Mom will be upset if you don’t clean up your toys”—this phrase becomes a routine tool for manipulating a child. The underlying message is: “I’ll stop loving you if you don’t do what I say.” Of course, the child is terrified of being rejected by their mother, the person their life depends on. Every child learns to interact with the world through their first contact—with their close family, usually their parents.

What does the child learn in this situation? That their feelings and desires don’t matter; fear drives their actions, making them do what others expect. In my practice, I often see adults “stuck in self-control”—controlling their thoughts, feelings, and even bodily reactions. Thinking is “bad,” feeling is “awkward,” crying is “shameful.” Yet all these natural expressions struggle to break through, only to clash with social stereotypes (“men shouldn’t cry”) and family expectations (“he/she is strong and can handle anything”).

Children raised with emotional manipulation are very likely to use the same tactics—controlling their partners through resentment, suppressing their own natural selves to avoid angering or upsetting important people in their lives.

The Many Faces of Control

There are countless ways control shows up. For simplicity, we can divide controlling behaviors into two categories: top-down control and bottom-up control.

Top-Down Control

1. Blaming (“you never,” “you always”).
2. Rescuing, helping, over-caring, giving advice or instructions.
3. Demanding, or asking “Why don’t you…?”—which puts the other person on the defensive.
4. Leaving the room or house.
5. Using money or bribery.
6. Flattery, giving gifts with a hidden agenda or hint.

Bottom-Up Control

1. Saying “I don’t know,” not answering questions—avoiding responsibility for one’s life.
2. Waiting for overly detailed instructions from others.
3. Controlling through resentment.
4. Taking the “victim” position.
5. Sighing heavily and not speaking up or asking directly.
6. Acting weak, childish, or dependent.

Clearly, both methods allow a person to maintain power over a situation. The price for this power can be high—we may become exhausted and dissatisfied because others don’t do what we silently decided they should. Outrage, anger, and helplessness are constant companions for those who try to control other people’s lives instead of their own.

How to Cope with Control

The following methods are suggested in the book “Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap” by J. and B. Weinhold:

1. Before offering help, make sure it’s really needed. Ask, “What do you want from me?”
2. Stop thinking others are helpless without you. Take responsibility for yourself and let others do the same. “I know you can handle this. Do you want to talk it through?”
3. Offer support to those who feel helpless by helping them discover their own potential. “Think about possible solutions, and then we’ll discuss them together.”
4. Don’t do more than half the work on a problem or task. Make an agreement that your partner will do at least half. “I can do this part—what are you willing to do?”
5. Pay attention to your feelings and don’t do things you truly don’t want to do. Be honest with yourself: “I don’t want to do this.”
6. Avoid behaviors that put you in a position of superiority (don’t give unsolicited advice, don’t interrupt).
7. Give up the victim role—always ask for what you want instead of staying silent.