A Little About the “Feeling of Guilt”

The feeling of guilt is a concept from the field of psychoanalysis. So before we get to the essence of this feeling and discuss how to get rid of it, let’s start with a bit of theory.

Absolutely everything a person does is controlled by the cortex of the brain (not the subcortex, as some less informed people claim). However, we are only aware of a part of this activity—that is, we can describe it in words, talk about these actions, and write them down. This is our consciousness. But our brain also performs a lot of other work that we know nothing about—like controlling the endocrine glands, maintaining balance while walking, and even managing our entire range of emotions and feelings. All of this belongs to the so-called unconscious. If consciousness determines our intellect, the unconscious is responsible for our biological existence and creates the necessary conditions for the intellect to function.

The ratio of consciousness to the unconscious in humans is quite interesting: back in the 1960s, scientists noticed that only 1-4% of the brain’s volume is needed to support all intellectual activity. So what is the rest of the brain doing? It works exclusively to support the unconscious.

Biologically, humans are predators. For a predator, killing is natural. But imagine what would happen if we all started killing each other? Human history would have ended in the Stone Age. That’s why, at the dawn of civilization, a kind of “censorship” (or, as Jung called it, the collective unconscious) appeared in human thinking—various systems of taboos and prohibitions, including those against killing. Sometimes we call this public opinion. As a kind of punishment for antisocial behavior, the feeling of guilt developed at the collective-unconscious level during evolution. In reality, when a person refrains from doing something considered bad by society, they fear not so much external judgment as the “judgment of their own conscience.”

So, does this mean that guilt is useful and we shouldn’t try to get rid of it? Well, yes and no. You could say that guilt, as a restraining factor, is good for society but can be harmful to the individual—especially when it becomes disconnected from actual wrongdoing. For example, most criminals don’t feel guilty (even though their guilt is proven in court) and don’t regret what they did—except maybe that they got caught. Meanwhile, guilt often torments their victims. In fact, it’s common for guilt to weigh on someone who hasn’t actually done anything wrong. So let’s look at some of the most common situations where people waste their lives on self-blame and trying to atone for “sins.”

“Guilt” of a Child for Being Born

Sometimes, as soon as children grow up enough to understand where babies come from, their mother (or other relatives) tells them in detail how hard it was to have them, how difficult the pregnancy was, how much she suffered during childbirth, and how many hardships she endured—all supposedly to give them life! These stories usually end with a message (which is the real point): “You, ungrateful child, owe her for life, because you alone are to blame for all her suffering!” So, the child is made to feel guilty just for being born.

Obviously, the child had no ill intent toward the mother and never planned to cause her pain. In fact, the decision to have the child was the mother’s (and if the child was born by accident, again, that’s not the child’s fault). If you analyze most stories about difficult births, you’ll find that complications are often the result of the mother’s own actions (sometimes just out of ignorance). Sometimes, doctors even advised the mother not to have children, but she took the risk anyway. She succeeded, but had to suffer for it. So why blame the child? In fact, the child should almost be thanked for managing to be born against the odds.

Unfortunately, the deeper reason for such lectures is different: parents (usually the mother) often wanted a living toy, but ended up with an independent person who didn’t meet their expectations. By instilling guilt, the mother tries to tie the child to herself, to turn them into an object obedient to her will, making it easier to manipulate them and satisfy her desire to “play house.” Unconsciously, parents blame the child for becoming independent at birth. Parents shouldn’t take offense at this, even if they believe it’s not true (believe me, you might not even realize you have these beliefs).

“Guilt” After Losing Social Status

This kind of guilt usually forms after a crisis, job loss, or similar setbacks. The person is convinced they were fired not because of downsizing, but because they’re somehow “bad” or can’t please the boss; that they earn little not because they haven’t found the courage to change jobs, but because no one would ever pay them more. It gets even worse if relatives start blaming them for these “failings.” Maybe they think this will motivate the person to achieve financial success to “atone” for their “faults”? Not at all: guilt is very unproductive and harmful. It makes people dwell on the past, scold themselves for mistakes already made, but doesn’t help them analyze or try to fix the situation. This feeling prevents people from living in the present and, worst of all, from building a future. All thoughts are focused on self-blame, leaving no energy or brainpower to think about how to improve things. What’s really needed here is positive support—someone who believes in your abilities and potential!

“Guilt” of a Rape Victim

Unfortunately, in the vast majority of cases, discussions about rape end with the conclusion that “she brought it on herself.” But can you really judge why a victim went out alone late at night, why she accepted a ride in a suspicious car? Why couldn’t she physically defend herself—maybe she just can’t hit another person? And is it really a woman’s fault if she simply talks to a stranger? Is it her fault that a man sees her only as an object for his own pleasure? Sometimes, no matter what a woman does, she ends up being blamed. For example, a girl goes to a party with her boyfriend, who promises to take her home—but then disappears. She has to choose: walk home alone late at night (maybe through a deserted area), try to catch a cab (if she has money), or stay with a group of drunk strangers and hope for the best. Sure, you could say she shouldn’t have gone out with that guy—but it’s not always possible to predict someone’s behavior, especially if you’re in love.

In many cases, the victim even asks passersby for help before the assault. How often do you think people help? Criminologists even recommend that, in a dangerous situation, you should shout “Fire!” instead of “Help!” or “Rape!”—because people are more likely to respond. If the victim can’t bring herself to tell this “little lie” because she just can’t lie, is that her fault?

Moreover, rape victims who survive often end up taking their own lives—not because they can’t cope with the trauma, but because of the crushing weight of guilt. They simply can’t go on living under constant condemnation. In reality, those who try to blame the victim for the assault are often just trying to avoid facing their own helplessness.

“Guilt” After the Death of a Loved One

Here, a whole range of guilt feelings can arise. There’s the feeling that you’re somehow indirectly responsible for the death (for example, you didn’t take good enough care of the sick person); the pain of not being able to say goodbye “properly”; and especially overwhelming guilt after a loved one’s suicide—especially if they directly blamed you in a final note. But in reality, you are not to blame in any of these cases. You had no intention of causing death, and you didn’t even unconsciously wish for it—especially if you didn’t say goodbye: you simply didn’t think the person would die, and deep down you believed they would be okay. Even if, in a moment of anger, you wished someone dead and the next day they were hit by a car or had a stroke—you still have nothing to feel guilty about. Are you God, that people die just because you wished it?

Speaking of God, there’s been a long-standing conflict between priests and psychoanalysts. Psychoanalysis recognizes that no thoughts, including subconscious wishes for someone’s death, are a crime, while priests believe that even thoughts can be sinful. Yes, society as a whole may need the dogma that thoughts can be sinful and the corresponding feeling of guilt—if only because, for some people, there’s only a small step from thought to action (and that step can even be taken unconsciously). But from a biological perspective, it’s almost natural for a person to unconsciously want things that benefit them—even the death of someone who stands in their way. The psychoanalyst’s job is to help a person get rid of guilt for these thoughts and to help them find a solution to the problem that caused them. But the solution must always be socially acceptable!