Modeling a New Self: How to Turn Hope Into Expectation

All skills, including character traits, are made up of patterns of internal and external behaviors. In order to turn any ability into a skill that can be mastered, we need to focus our “modeling camera” on behaviors in such a way that we can identify the specific internal processes that interact and manifest in those behaviors. If we can recognize and understand the set of components (or “internal processes”) that are the cornerstones of a behavior, we can organize them into a model and use it to create the behaviors—and thus the skills and traits—we desire. All it takes is to find and model the set of internal processes underlying any behavior.

Experience, Structure, and Transferability

By studying the internal processes of individuals in different contexts, we discovered that:

• There is a remarkable similarity in the internal process patterns among people who display the same behavior in a given context.
• Successfully describing these internal processes consistently involves a specific set of variables.

The discovery that different people who exhibit the same behavior also share similar underlying internal processes is significant for two reasons. First, certain internal process patterns are largely responsible for specific behaviors. Second, behaviors can be learned by appropriately adjusting the internal processes—that is, by fine-tuning the bouquet of internal processes underlying a given trait.

Another finding is that a consistent set of internal process variables underlies all our behavioral responses. This means it’s possible to develop an effective method for acquiring new skills. The success of such a method lies in its ability to both highlight the sources of an individual’s behavior and provide the information needed to transfer that behavior to someone else.

From our experience, we know that almost any behavior can be transferred from someone who already exhibits it to someone who does not yet, but would like to, as long as the internal processes underlying the behavior are made explicit and shaped to fit the “recipient.” Before we go further, we’d like you to personally experience what we’re talking about. The following exercise will help, if you follow the instructions closely.

Exercise: Experiencing Hope and Expectation

1. Recall an experience or feeling that you would never want to go through again. For example, you might not want to be rejected or used, to be broke, to get angry or hurt someone, or to embarrass yourself.
2. Spend a few moments hoping that “this” will never happen again.
3. Now, take a deep breath and spend some time expecting that “this” will never happen again. If your common sense resists this as a possibility, just imagine for a moment that you can expect such a future.

Did you notice the difference between hoping and expecting that this will never happen again? Compare the two, and you’ll likely find that expectation gave you a sense of confidence and freedom from future unpleasant experiences, while hope left you feeling uncertain about your protection from future troubles.

So, the subjective experience of hoping never to be rejected again is a mix of the desire to be accepted and the awareness that rejection is still possible. Expectation, on the other hand, is a pleasant state of knowing that you will not be rejected. The internal process underlying the subjective difference between hope and expectation is this: when we hope, we simultaneously maintain internal images of both what we want and not getting what we want.

(You can check this by examining your own hopes and noticing what images come up.) When we expect, we maintain an internal image of only one possibility. (If you imagine other possibilities, they don’t merge with what you expect. Try experimenting by noting the content of your images as you anticipate or expect something in the future.)

Next Steps in the Experiment

1. Think of one of your current hopes (for example, staying close friends with someone, making a lot of money, traveling, mastering a sport or musical instrument, etc.).
2. Now erase all possibilities except the one you’re hoping for, picturing only that single remaining possibility. Notice how your subjective experience changes. (For example, imagine only that you will make a lot of money, or only that you won’t.)

You’ll probably notice that when you’re left with just one imagined possibility, your experience shifts toward expectation of that future. (Whether the expectation is pleasant or frightening depends on whether the imagined possibility is desirable or not.) This model makes it impossible for two possibilities to exist at the same time.

1. Choose a particularly unpleasant event that you currently expect (for example, making a fool of yourself on a date, getting a huge tax bill, or remaining awkward for the rest of your life), and feel as if it’s happening.
2. Now picture everything going differently than you expected (you’re charming on the date, the tax bill is tiny, your work goes smoothly, etc.), and hold both images in your mind at once. Notice how your subjective experience changes.

You’ll likely notice that you suddenly start to hope. If you previously expected to make a fool of yourself on a date, but now also imagine the possibility of being charming, you begin to hope you won’t mess up (or hope you’ll be charming).

The key difference in subjective experience appears when moving from expectation to hope, as you can see by experimenting with this model. This difference will show up in behavior. A person who expects to mess up on a date will react very differently to the possibility of failure than someone who hopes not to (or hopes to be charming).

The difference between hope and expectation, which you just experimented with, is one of dozens of phenomena we’ve uncovered by modeling the internal processes of many people who either hoped or expected something.

Applying the Model

By understanding the underlying model, we were able to consciously (and often deeply) influence our own experiences and those of others using this model. We represented the internal processes behind “hope” and “expectation” in a way that allowed us to transfer the ability to anyone who needed and wanted it. For example, an acquaintance of ours, a middle-aged man whose unhappy life was spent almost entirely in isolation, became more sociable when we helped him create a mental picture of a happy family life to supplement his long-standing expectation of remaining single. With this new perspective, he felt more empowered to seek love—his changed outlook led to more sociable behavior.

Similarly, a woman who hoped for many things was paralyzed by the undesirable side of her hopes and rarely took action to realize them. She learned to erase the internal images of frightening possibilities. By focusing only on the single desirable outcome in her imagination, she shifted her experience to expectation. For her, this was expressed behaviorally by taking action toward making her future a reality.