The Mask of Cowardice: What Are We Really Afraid Of?

Each of us, at least once in our lives, has acted as a psychological coward. It’s hard to admit, and even harder to understand what we’re truly afraid of. Cowardice wears many masks, making it difficult to recognize. Let’s take a closer look at these masks and face our fears head-on.

Principled Stance

Being principled doesn’t seem like a bad trait. A principled person appears strong-willed and steadfast, never wavering from their beliefs. But let’s think deeper. Sometimes, a principled person simply doesn’t know how to adapt, change, or strive to improve their own life and the lives of those around them.

They may strictly follow rules and guidelines, even when no one is watching or when those rules are outdated. Out of fear of breaking the rules or trying something new, they remain confined while others grow and take risks. Often, behind the mask of being principled lies fear, insecurity, and indecisiveness. If you recognize this in yourself, try to push your boundaries—take a risk and do something you’ve always judged, like taking a walk during a short lunch break or leaving work a bit early.

Generosity

Do you consider yourself generous? Have you ever left your change as a tip at a café, or in a taxi, or brought a box of chocolates to your doctor? Of these, only the last one really makes sense—the doctor is responsible for your health, and if you have a long-term relationship, it’s reasonable to thank them. But you don’t know the taxi driver or the waiter, and you’re unlikely to see them again.

Some justify these actions by saying they respect others’ work. But you don’t leave change at the grocery store, even though those workers also work hard. In this kind of generosity, cowardice is hiding—you feel uncomfortable asking for your change back, worried the taxi driver will think poorly of you, or that not leaving a tip at a café will make you look stingy. But there’s nothing wrong with asking for your change, waiting for it, bargaining at the market, or trying to get a good deal—it’s all perfectly normal.

Hospitality can also have a downside. Welcoming and loving guests is a wonderful trait, but sometimes, out of excessive zeal and fear of judgment, the host sets the table with every possible dish, trying to offer as much as possible. But why so much food that can’t possibly be eaten? Ask yourself—what are you afraid of? Judgment or dissatisfaction from your guests? But who would be dissatisfied? They came to see you, to connect, and that’s what matters. If someone is only interested in the food and doesn’t come back next time, it’s not a big loss.

Gallantry

Sometimes, upbringing and gallantry prevent a person from taking care of their own health. For example, a gallant man won’t refuse to carry heavy bags for a woman, even if his back hurts. He’ll pretend everything is fine, afraid of seeming impolite or weak. This fear can lead to serious health problems.

Let’s also analyze kindness. We should all strive to be genuinely kind and responsive, but sometimes, kindness is just a mask for fear. For example, a woman considers herself kind because she always fulfills her husband’s requests, never refusing—she cooks a lot, bakes his favorite pies, and gets exhausted from her own “kindness.” Meanwhile, her husband, well-fed, gains weight. Is this really kindness? Not at all. It’s fear of conflict and change, because eating right would require changing routines and habits, and first convincing her husband it’s necessary.

Caring

Many women take on too many tasks and problems, which leads to migraines, fatigue, and illness. Why? Because they handle all the household chores—cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping—afraid someone will think they’re a bad homemaker. They feel uncomfortable asking their husband or children for help, thinking everyone is busy or won’t do it right. This all-encompassing care is, in fact, fear of judgment.

Modesty and Shyness

Modesty and shyness can hide many emotions. When someone avoids discussions, attention, or expressing their opinion—even when they know the right answer—they’re often called modest. They may even describe themselves that way. But in reality, this shyness hides a fear of being misunderstood, judged, or ridiculed. Unconsciously, the person may believe they’re better than others, and that others could ruin things because they’re not as smart. To overcome this fear, realize that no one is special—everyone is equal. Letting go of the sense of uniqueness will help shyness fade away.

Solidarity

Many actions are taken out of solidarity, but bring no real benefit. Some enroll in college because their friends do, others get married, some join protests, or follow fashion trends out of solidarity. This leads to everyone becoming the same, with no one thinking for themselves or expressing their own opinions. Solidarity is driven by the fear of being left out or falling behind the crowd. But you can’t find happiness in the herd—only basic needs are met there. Have the courage to voice your opinion, figure out what you truly like or dislike, and decide how you want to live.

Courage

Courage can sometimes mask the fear of judgment. A person may be ready to fight and defend their honor, but deep down, they’re afraid others will discover they’re actually a coward.

Suffering

Suffering is a familiar emotion that arises from various factors—hunger, anxiety, shattered hopes, betrayal. We’ve all experienced suffering, but our attitude toward it is individual, shaped by personal experience and perception. Some people suffer over small things and make a tragedy out of them, while others endure great sorrow with dignity.

When suffering, a person’s face takes on a certain expression—furrowed brows, a heavy gaze. If someone is often in this state, vertical lines and wrinkles form on their forehead. Tears can help release heavy emotions and bring relief. But since many were scolded for crying as children, not everyone knows how to cry; a therapist can help restore this ability.

Suffering isn’t just negative feelings—it’s also a signal that something is wrong and needs to change. How can you support someone who is suffering? First, understand the cause. If it’s the loss of a loved one or a serious illness, don’t try to give advice or say “it will pass”—just be there and admire their strength and courage. People need time to cope, and they’re already doing their best. Instead of giving advice, simply support them and acknowledge their resilience.

Our attitude toward suffering is shaped in childhood. If parents scold and shame a child for crying, the adult will always be ashamed of their tears. To help a child learn to cope with suffering, trust others, and be positive, parents should support the expression of negative emotions and help find and resolve the source of distress. If parents only comfort the child without addressing the cause, the child will always seek comfort but never try to solve the problem. If parents first encourage crying but later scold the child as they grow, the child may develop slowly and struggle with social interactions.

Remember, to get through suffering, it needs to have meaning and a goal. As Viktor Frankl said, finding something positive in loss can greatly ease suffering.

Anger

Anger often follows suffering or long periods of depression. It can also arise when needs aren’t met, whether due to physical, legal, or psychological barriers. If obstacles are easy to overcome, anger doesn’t arise. But if the obstacle is insurmountable and the desire remains strong, anger grows. Constantly suppressing even small amounts of anger is very harmful to the body.

Anger was important in evolution, but now it brings mostly negative consequences—feelings of betrayal, injustice, and being deceived. If anger is suppressed, it can turn into disgust toward the object of anger. Remember, those who yell and express anger are better off than those who bottle it up. Try to address the cause of your anger, analyze the problem, and don’t let anger fester—it destroys you from within.

Author: Mikhail Litvak