Emotional Intelligence or Manipulation?

Emotional intelligence (EI) is divided into intrapersonal and interpersonal components.

Intrapersonal EI is the ability to recognize your own internal emotional processes—what triggered your emotional state, which of your needs it relates to, whether your usual way of acting helps you achieve what you want, and how you can best satisfy your needs for yourself and others.

Interpersonal EI is the ability to sense and roughly understand another person’s emotional processes and the internal motivation behind their behavior, in order to interact with them more effectively.

Developing EI is essential for better adaptation in society. I am convinced that anyone can develop EI at least on a cognitive level, since it is a social skill and therefore can be learned. We develop EI throughout our lives. With EI skills, you can choose the most effective way to communicate with others.

What Factors Hinder the Development of EI?

1. Cognitive distortions. For example, if a person believes they can read others’ minds, they will act based on their misconceptions. If they see the world in black and white, they will face a series of conflicts, misunderstandings, and social isolation. When someone is trapped by their own projections, they can’t see the real picture or allow themselves more flexible responses. People usually pick up cognitive distortions from their family, or they develop as a result of psychological trauma and serve as coping mechanisms.
2. Egocentrism. A person is so absorbed in themselves and what’s happening to them that they can’t see or feel what those around them need. They put their own needs first, consider their opinion the only correct one, and demand others conform to their expectations.
3. Behavioral automatisms that a person doesn’t notice (blind spots) and therefore can’t rethink or change without outside help. For example, a man might not help his partner with her coat or open the door for her simply because he was never taught to do so—his family didn’t practice it, or his father saw it as a sign of weakness. Lacking this skill, he misses the chance to make a better impression. A person with EI can usually balance their own interests with those of others.

What Is Manipulation?

Manipulation is essentially the deliberate deception of another person to achieve personal gain (lying, cheating). The manipulator plans their behavior to get what they want without considering the other person’s interests.

Manipulation is a defense mechanism based on overcompensation—acting in a way that’s the opposite of one’s true feelings. For example, someone afraid of aggression might attack first to hide their vulnerability. Someone afraid of being abandoned might leave first. This is all overcompensation.

The essence of manipulation is the covert use of others. People who manipulate often do so because they were used themselves or were taught to see others as resources. For example, a woman who suffered in a relationship might teach her daughter that all men are bad and should be used.

Those who use manipulation as their main coping strategy often have deep attachment issues: “man is a wolf to man.” Manipulators see communication only as a way to benefit themselves and don’t reflect on the consequences. Manipulation might get you something in the short term, but people usually catch on and lose interest in interacting with the manipulator.

Examples of Manipulation

• A person wants to have affairs with two women who don’t know about each other, lies to both, and promises marriage. Both women end up hurt by his dishonesty.
• You’re asked to sign a contract with unfavorable terms hidden in fine print at the bottom of the page.
• A doctor pushes you to buy expensive, unnecessary treatment by saying you won’t recover otherwise.
• A friend or relative flatters you, saying you’re the only one who can help, just to shift responsibility onto you.
• Someone uses emotional blackmail to get money from you, plays on your sympathy, promises to pay you back, but never does.

It’s not always possible to distinguish manipulation from someone’s habitual behavior, which is often unconscious. In any case, maladaptive behavior should be discussed and healthy boundaries established.

Conclusion

In summary, EI is a set of adaptive skills aimed at mutual well-being, while manipulation is a maladaptive, predatory coping strategy designed to mislead others, feel superior, and gain personal benefit.