What Is Congruence?

Have you ever wondered why people believe you? Or why, when you’re nervous before an important conversation, you sometimes sabotage it in advance? How do some people manage to convince others of things that have nothing to do with “reality”? How can you sense, even intuitively, that someone isn’t comfortable, even though their words and actions suggest otherwise?

Part of the answer to these questions lies in the concept of congruence, and I’m going to explain what that means. You’ve probably heard the popular fact that words make up only about 10-15% of the information communicated, while the remaining 85-90% comes from nonverbal signals—tone of voice, speech tempo and speed, facial expressions, gestures, skin color, pupil size, depth and frequency of breathing, and other subtle cues most people aren’t consciously aware of.

In this context, congruence is the alignment of verbal and nonverbal communication. More generally, the best synonym for congruence is simply “consistency.”

Examples of Congruence and Incongruence

Let’s look at a job interview as an example. Suppose you’ve reviewed several resumes and selected the best candidate. On the appointed day, the applicant arrives and you begin the interview. They say the same things that are written in their portfolio, but something feels off. When asked, “Are you a confident person?” they pause, look down, and reply timidly, “Yes, of course.” When discussing their most successful project at their previous job, they stumble over their words and seem to be making up facts on the spot. When they stand up and you ask, “Is everything okay?” they show clear signs of stress and answer, “Yes, of course,” in a shaky voice.

This mismatch between what a person says and what their body, gestures, facial expressions, and voice communicate is called incongruence. You’ve probably experienced similar situations yourself—maybe you told someone something honest and obvious, but because you were nervous, caught off guard, or unsure, they didn’t believe you or reacted in an unexpected way.

Now, let’s look at an example of congruence. Imagine a eulogy at a funeral: the speaker, dressed in black, speaks in a somber voice, making significant pauses, and says words of mourning. Their words match their facial expression and tone of voice, leaving no doubt among listeners that the speaker is grieving along with them.

What Congruence Can and Can’t Tell Us

It’s important to note that congruence, as the alignment of verbal and nonverbal communication, doesn’t always tell us whether someone is lying. Incongruence can result not only from dishonesty, but also from stress, personality traits, the importance of the situation, or environmental factors. Congruence is a matter of perception—how we interpret someone from the outside.

We often sense congruence or incongruence on an intuitive level. Our subconscious picks up on visual and auditory cues and sends us subtle feelings—whether we trust someone, whether they’re telling the truth or lying. However, intuition can be unreliable. To more accurately determine whether words match behavior and reality, it’s important to train yourself, develop observation skills, and practice regularly.

How to Be Congruent and Persuasive

So, how can you be congruent when it matters—how can you speak convincingly and confidently? The obvious answer is to truly believe, experience, and accept what you’re saying. For example, if your goal is to sell a product that isn’t in demand and you’re not sure the customer needs it, you won’t be taken seriously until you genuinely believe the product is worth buying and has the qualities the customer needs. Try putting yourself in the customer’s shoes and imagine that you’re getting exactly what you want. Until you learn to control your emotional state and avoid showing stress when it’s not appropriate, people won’t fully trust you, even on an intuitive level.

To develop congruence, you need to improve your imagination, creativity, and self-control. To better detect congruence in others, work on your intuition, observation skills, and openness.

Author: Renat Khasanov, NLP Master at the Institute of Modern NLP