How to Build Trust with People: NLP Mirroring Techniques
Understanding how to build trust and achieve mutual understanding in communication is a valuable skill, both for personal growth and professional development. Human relationships are based on psychological mechanisms honed over centuries, and knowing how they work allows us to influence the process.
Perceptions in Communication
When you start interacting with someone, their attitude toward you and what you say can be described by two groups of criteria:
- Trust – Doubt
- Attention – Distraction
- Agreement – Disagreement
- Openness – Secrecy
- Willingness to Learn – Desire to Teach
- Surprise – Contempt
- Joy – Fear
- Acceptance – Rejection
Obviously, we prefer to communicate with people who fall into the first category. Sometimes we meet such people, sometimes not. Before learning about NLP, we often thought that a person’s attitude toward us depended on external circumstances, and we had little influence over it. If a client was skeptical, we’d just accept it as their nature. If someone who was usually open suddenly became distant, we’d blame it on their mood that day. We didn’t try to manage these dynamics.
The Role of Mirror Neurons
Let’s take a brief detour into neurophysiology. Our brains are filled with special cells called mirror neurons. Scientists discovered that these neurons first appeared in monkeys when they began using simple tools, like stones to crack nuts. Unlike innate skills such as climbing or eating, using tools had to be learned by copying others’ behavior. Mirror neurons made this possible.
In humans, mirror neurons serve two main functions:
- Empathy – the ability to feel what another person is experiencing. When someone close to you is upset, you not only understand it but may also feel their distress.
- Predicting Intentions – the ability to guess what someone will do next based on their behavior. For example, if someone grabs an axe near a pile of wood, you can predict they’ll start chopping.
Mirror neurons are linked to learning, copying, and understanding others. Most of these neurons are usually “off,” so we don’t constantly mirror everyone around us. But they can be activated or deactivated depending on the situation.
Worldviews and “Maps”
Each person has a unique worldview, or “map,” which is a set of beliefs and rules they consider true. In NLP, this is called a “map.” Everyone’s map is different, but there are always similarities. For example, one person may love walking in cloudy weather, another may not, but both might believe in life on Mars.
When we start a conversation and quickly find common ground, our states tend to shift toward the positive criteria listed earlier. If we notice differences, negative elements may appear.
The set of positive states and perceptions is called rapport. Experienced therapists realized that relying on chance wasn’t effective, so they began to intentionally demonstrate similarities with their clients, which created rapport. NLP founders studied this process and called it mirroring (or “matching”).
What Happens When You Mirror
If you mirror your conversation partner, rapport develops. They begin to trust you, agree with you, and may even accept ideas they previously rejected. They become interested in you and your ideas, and are more open to learning from you.
Think about times when a trusted person told you, “Actually, it’s like this…” and you started to believe them. This is because our brain processes are two-way: if we’re happy, we smile; if we force ourselves to smile, we start to feel happier. Professionals use this trick to build rapport.
If someone is learning from us and their mirror neurons are active, they copy us. If we copy them, their subconscious doesn’t distinguish who is copying whom—it just registers similarity, which triggers rapport.
How to Mirror: Practical Techniques
Mirroring can be done through behavior or speech. Here are the main types:
1. Mirroring Body Language
If your conversation partner sits with their legs crossed, and you do the same, that’s mirroring. Do this subtly—change your posture when you start speaking, so it looks natural. If they’re standing with a hand on the table, do the same.
2. Mirroring Voice
You can mirror the speed, volume, and pitch of their voice. The most important is speed, and it’s the easiest to control. If you speak faster than your partner, they may not process your words fully. If you speak too slowly, they may get impatient. Matching their speed not only demonstrates similarity but also makes it easier for them to understand you, which creates positive emotions. Fast speech is usually louder, and slow speech is quieter, so you’ll naturally match volume as well.
3. Mirroring Perceptual Systems
This requires practice. People process information visually, auditorily, or kinesthetically. If your partner says, “I see what you mean,” they’re likely visual. If you can switch to visual language, you’re mirroring them. If they say, “I feel this is a strong argument,” that’s kinesthetic. The key is to genuinely shift your own perception, not just use different words.
4. Mirroring Beliefs
If someone says, “Buckwheat isn’t tasty,” and you agree, that’s mirroring. Try to behave as if you truly agree, both emotionally and vocally.
5. Mirroring Goals
If someone expresses a desire, you can support it to mirror them. For example:
“I want a house by the sea!”
“That’s a wonderful dream—I can imagine how enjoyable that would be.”
Show that you want the same thing, not just that you like their goal.
6. Mirroring Problems
If your partner shares a problem and you acknowledge it as a real issue, you’re mirroring. For example:
“Business has been slow lately…”
“That’s definitely a problem. I’ve been there myself and understand how you feel.”
7. Mirroring Objections
If someone disagrees with your ideas, agree with them first to mirror, then present your argument. For example:
“I don’t think this will work the way you described.”
“I’d react the same way in your place. But I have great experience that shows it can work with me.”
8. Mirroring Hobbies and Interests
If someone mentions a hobby you share, say so. For example:
“Walking in the park for an hour every day is wonderful!”
“Absolutely, it really is.”
If you’re not familiar with the hobby, don’t pretend you are—you’ll quickly get lost in the conversation.
9. Mirroring Values
Values like family, friendship, love, self-development, and health are important. If you identify your partner’s key values, show that they matter to you too. For example:
“I’d love to keep talking, but I have to pick up my child from daycare.”
“Kids are such a joy, despite all the challenges!”
Identifying someone’s core values takes more than a couple of sentences. Make sure mirroring doesn’t take you out of your comfort zone, or it will backfire.
Speech-Based Mirroring Techniques
Here are some ways to mirror through speech (used in points 4-9 above):
- Positive feedback: Good, excellent, great, right, exactly, etc.
“We already work with a similar company.”
“Great. Let me tell you what unique things we can offer.” - Taking your partner’s perspective: “I understand you,” “I agree,” “In your place, I’d feel the same.”
“That’s expensive.”
“I agree. Let me explain why.” - Sharing a similar situation: “That happened to me too.”
“I got so many advertising calls today.”
“Oh, I had a similar situation recently—five different insurance companies visited my office in one day.” - Repeating key phrases: Repeat what the person said, thoughtfully.
“That’s expensive!”
“That’s expensive…” (thoughtfully, as if reflecting internally)
More Advanced Mirroring
There are even more ways to mirror in NLP: emotional states, meta-programs, archetypes, voice pitch and volume, habitual strategies, body signals, environment, group leaders, and more. With practice, you’ll be able to respond to every move your partner makes, just like an aikido master who first accepts every step and then uses it to their advantage.
When you start to feel a genuine desire to agree with your partner and truly listen to everything they say, you’ll be grateful for the material they give you to influence them. At that point, the techniques described above will be more than enough to establish rapport.
Key Takeaways
Mirroring is based on the idea that “the map is not the territory”—everyone’s perception is different, and these differences don’t mean one is right or wrong. Both people are playing their own successful game in life, but their maps differ. When we respect others’ thoughts, ideas, and strategies, we can’t just say “no” when they say something outside our own map. Instead, we say, “Great!” and, once rapport is established, we can guide them into a new reality.
Wishing you success in mastering the strategies of geniuses in practice!