How to Understand Nonverbal Messages

Nonverbal communication makes up about 5/6 of the total information exchanged during interactions—on average. It’s no wonder many people want to get better at reading it. In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), calibrating nonverbal patterns is a key tool. But calibration is only the first step; interpreting the information is just as important. In some structured contexts, like SCORE point analysis, interpretation is straightforward. But in everyday communication, we often need to interpret evaluative experiences: Do I like this? Do I agree? Am I angry? Am I motivated? In many cases, interpretations are fairly standard—people experience and display emotions in similar ways.

There are at least two main approaches to understanding nonverbal messages: analytical (breaking things down) and synthetic (holistic). The analytical approach is associated with left-brain, sequential, and logical thinking, while the synthetic approach is more right-brain, holistic, and intuitive. NLP practitioners often favor analytical calibration—looking for specific cues like a tense upper lip, deep breathing, or leaning forward. However, most people use a synthetic, empathic approach, putting themselves in the other person’s shoes. The advantage of empathic calibration is that you immediately get a sense of the other person’s feelings: liking, irritation, happiness, agreement. In both cases, you’re analyzing external signs; the difference is whether the process is conscious (analytical) or unconscious (empathic).

NLP also offers a synthetic way to assess nonverbal cues—metamessages. These are powerful, but there’s a big gap between sensory cues (movement, breathing, voice speed) and the overall metamessage. It would be helpful to have an intermediate model—a kind of dictionary of basic nonverbal messages.

Nonverbal “Alphabet”: Gestures, Voice, Posture, Rhythm

Gestures, voice, posture, and rhythm are like the “letters” of nonverbal communication. They combine to form basic nonverbal “words,” which then build up to larger, meaningful metamessages—“sentences.”

Illustration vs. Reaction

Nonverbal messages can be divided into two types: reactions and illustrations. Reaction messages are responses to something—someone says something, and the other person looks upset. These are more genuine but less pronounced. Illustration messages are deliberate demonstrations of a state—more exaggerated and easier to read. If someone “illustrates” emotions incorrectly, it’s like speaking unclearly: “I wnt t shw y smthng mprtnt.” It’s hard to communicate. For genuine reactions, it’s important to learn to calibrate them—they reveal true feelings. For illustrated emotions, it’s important to learn to display them “correctly” (as is customary in your culture) and to interpret them accurately. Most importantly, practice distinguishing between the two. Illustrated emotions are not very useful for learning about someone’s true reactions.

Messages: Reaction and Illustration

Illustrated emotions are not “bad”—we use them all the time. They help clarify words, hold attention, and convey “intonation.” Effective illustration is a key tool for speakers, politicians, and actors. In everyday life, when we explain or tell stories, we need to transmit nonverbal information correctly. When listening, we should show that we’re engaged and empathetic. Most people display the same messages in similar ways—at least for reaction emotions. With illustrated emotions, there can be problems, as not everyone knows how to display them properly.

Basic Nonverbal Messages

There are seven main nonverbal messages, plus the direction of evaluation. These are useful both for calibration and for presenting information effectively. The seven messages can be divided into two types:

• Analog: Gradually change from one “pole” to another (e.g., positive-negative, importance, speed, confidence-doubt).
• Discrete: Only a few distinct states (e.g., dominance/submission, agreement/disagreement, activity/passivity, direction: self/listener/information).

Calibrating the Neutral State

To calibrate correctly, first observe the person’s “neutral” state—when they’re calm and inactive. All other calibrations are measured as deviations from this baseline, like zero on a scale. The closer to neutral, the less pronounced the messages.

Key Messages and Their Signs

• Positive – Negative (“Sign”): Do I like it or not? Mainly shown through facial expressions, but also posture, movement, breathing, rhythm, etc.
  • Positive: Corners of the mouth up (toward the ears), relaxed lips and facial muscles, head slightly raised, deep breathing, higher voice.
  • Negative: Corners of the mouth down, tense eyebrows, tense and raised lower lip, slouched posture, lower voice, shallow breathing.

  Remember, these are the extremes—real states vary along a scale. That’s why you need to determine the neutral state and the intensity of nonverbal cues. For one person, a certain expression might mean “TERRIBLE!!!” while for another, it’s just “slightly unpleasant.”

• Important – Not Important (“Energy”): Indicates how important the topic is. Expressed in emotional arousal (“energy”)—the more important, the higher the energy. Visually, the higher the gesture, the more important; “not important” is often shown with a downward gesture.
  • Important: Increased muscle tone (face, hands, body), more expressive and louder voice, gestures marking upward, weighty hand movements.
  • Not Important: Low muscle tone, calm and relaxed voice, gestures marking downward.
• Speed: Shows the speed of reactions and thinking. “People think as fast as they speak.” Also linked to the person’s current sensory mode (kinesthetic is slowest, visual is fastest). Mainly seen in speech speed.
  • Low Speed: Slow speech, smooth and calm movements, few small gestures.
  • High Speed: Fast speech, sharp and quick movements, many small gestures.
• Confidence – Doubt: Am I sure or just guessing? Confidence or doubt. If you want to convince people, show confidence. Professionals often show doubt (they know things aren’t always certain), but this can make them seem less trustworthy. Amateurs are more definite and inspire more trust (Dunning-Kruger effect).
  • Confidence: High symmetry, clear gestures, stable posture, steady voice with falling intonation at the end.
  • Doubt: Loss of symmetry, swaying, shifting weight, changing voice, illustrative gestures like shrugging, scratching head, rubbing lips.
• Dominance – Submission: Signals of dominance or submission—instinctive signals. Wolves expose their throats in submission; people lower their heads.
  • Dominance: Chin up, eyelids slightly lowered, straight posture, shoulders raised.
  • Submission: Head down, slouched posture, shoulders lowered.
• Agreement – Disagreement: Do I agree or not? Agreement is often shown to signal listening or support. Agreement often comes with positive signals, disagreement with negative, but not always (e.g., agreeing with something unpleasant).
  • Agreement: Nodding (up and down), head up, straight posture, illustrative gestures like thumbs up, handshakes.
  • Disagreement: Shaking head side to side, slouched posture, dismissive gestures.
• Activity – Passivity: Indicates readiness to act or motivation. There’s often a sharp shift from passive to active. You can be active with low energy or passive with high energy, but usually, energy increases with activity. Emotions can be divided into passive (calm, bliss, sadness, happiness) and active (excitement, rage).
  • Activity: Leaning forward, shoulders raised, higher muscle tone, focused gaze.
  • Passivity: Upright or leaning back, shoulders down, lower muscle tone, unfocused gaze.
• Message Direction: Shows what the evaluation refers to: self, listeners, or information. For example, “I’m confident in myself,” “I’m confident in you,” “I’m confident in this information”—all different messages. Shown through gestures (who the gesture is directed at), hands, fingers, gaze, chin.

How to Show Nonverbal Messages Correctly

About Congruence

Trust (and rapport) is built through two things: matching and congruence. Congruence is the demonstration of internal harmony. You show that you’re confident, believe what you say, and are a whole, consistent person. This inspires trust and rapport—after all, it’s hard to trust someone who’s conflicted inside.

Congruence is determined by matching content and nonverbal cues, as well as by “correct” demonstration of nonverbal messages. If you talk about your confidence, you should show it. If you say you’re upset, show it. If you tell a subordinate (waiter, child, salesperson, spouse) you’re dissatisfied, show dissatisfaction. This is alignment between content and nonverbal cues.

Nonverbal messages—confidence, agreement, motivation, dominance, etc.—have their own rules for display. Several messages can be sent at once. Congruence can be simultaneous (showing agreement as you say you agree) or sequential (showing agreement before and after as well). Incongruence is when, for example, you first show dissatisfaction, then quickly switch to genuine joy, or agree and then show doubt. In TV series like “Lie to Me,” calibrating sequential incongruence helps spot deception, though incongruence itself doesn’t always mean lying—just internal conflict.

Demonstrating Messages

Congruent demonstration usually combines several basic messages. For example:

• Agreement: Agreement + confidence + positive. If you agree with something unpleasant: agreement + confidence + negative.
• Respect: Always includes submission—showing the “respected” person is higher in status.
• Guilt: Submission + moderate negative, directed at oneself. If someone else is guilty: accusation = dominance + importance + negative, directed at the guilty party.
• Contempt: Dominance + negative + confidence. If your opponent shows contempt after negotiations, they think they outsmarted you.
• Fear: Negative + importance.
• Anger: Negative + importance + activity. Anger is more active than fear; in anger, you move toward danger, in fear, away from it.
• Openness: Moderate doubt + low speed + passivity, directed at listeners.
• Motivation “Toward”: Activity + confidence + positive.
• Motivation “Away From”: Activity + confidence + slight negative.
• Determination: Strong motivation: activity + strong confidence + slight negative.
• Happiness: Positive + importance + confidence.

Practice: Breaking Down Messages

In your free time, try breaking down complex messages into their basic components.

Metamessages

The next step is understanding metamessages—these help you interpret the meaning of messages in context. This is a big topic on its own.

Practice Exercise

Here’s a small exercise: Identify the nonverbal messages in each of the following images (from the TV series “Boston Legal”). Suggested answers below:

1. Activity, importance, negative, directed at listener (anger).
2. Doubt, negative, directed at information (puzzlement).
3. Disagreement, directed at listeners, importance (disagreement).
4. Positive, dominance, directed at object (smugness).
5. Disagreement, importance, dominance, directed at listener (challenge).
6. Doubt, passivity, slight negative, directed at information (unpleasant information).
7. Activity, negative, directed at speaker (contempt).
8. Doubt, importance, directed at listeners (suggesting a change in evaluation).
9. Confidence, directed at listeners (decision announcement).
10. Negative, importance, directed at listener (accusation).
11. Doubt, submission, negative, directed at information (guilt).
12. Activity, negative, directed at listener (dissatisfaction).
13. Importance, confidence, activity, directed at listener (persuasiveness).
14. Negative, importance, directed at listener (indignation).
15. Negative, dominance, importance, directed at listener (hatred).
16. Importance, confidence, directed at listeners (confidence in information).

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