How to Respond to Uncomfortable Questions: Psychological Strategies and Communication Techniques

“So, how much do you make?”, “Don’t you want to have a second child?”, “When are you getting married?”, “Are you getting divorced?” — most of us have found ourselves in awkward situations where a nosy conversation partner is eager to get information you’d rather not share, only to regret how the conversation turned out.

Here are several strategies to help you answer the trickiest questions and still feel great about it. If you follow these tips, you won’t be at a loss for words in real-life situations.

1) Programmers and Sherlock Holmes Recommend

When faced with uncomfortable questions, you have every right not to give any concrete information. Act like the programmer in the joke, who, when asked by the lost Holmes and Watson (traveling in a hot air balloon), gave a perfectly correct but completely useless answer:

• “Sir, can you tell us where we are?”
  “In the basket of a hot air balloon, sir!”

Or, give a general but equally unhelpful answer:

• “How much do you make?”
  “Like everyone else, the average salary for my field (significantly less than Abramovich).”

2) “Mirroring”

“Bounce” the question back to your conversation partner. You can do this in two simple ways:

1. Rephrase the question so that the other person feels awkward about their curiosity. Use a universal phrase that starts with “Am I right in understanding that…”, and finish it depending on whether you want to continue the conversation or set boundaries. For example:
   • “Am I right in understanding that you’d like to be a fly on the wall in my bedroom?”
   • “Am I right in understanding that your main concern today is my personal life?”
   • “Am I right in understanding that prying into other people’s problems is normal for you?”

   It works best if you say this very politely, very calmly, in an icy tone, and without gesturing — maybe just raise an eyebrow in surprise.

2. Intensify the interest by asking a counter-question in the same category:
   • “So, when are you having your second child?”
     “And when are you having your third?”

3) “One-Person Show”

If you hear an uncomfortable question, you can always imagine yourself as a great dramatic actress: look deeply into your conversation partner’s eyes, sigh deeply, clutch your hands to your chest (feel free to wring your fingers for effect), show utter despair, and say in a tragic voice, “I beg you! Never, do you hear me, never ask me that again!”

Another option: act like you’re at a press conference (think of any top government official) and say, “Next question, please!”

Or, for fans of sitcoms, channel the karate guy Eduard Kuzmin (“Kuzya”) from the show “Univer” and say, “That’s classified information!”

4) “I’m Not a Bore, Not a Bore, Not a Bore!”

Instead of getting offended or angry, start answering in a flat, monotone voice. The key is in the details: give every tiny detail and start from way back!

• “When are you getting married?”
  “Astrologers say that for a happy marriage, the ascendants of the couple must align (don’t ask us what ascendants are or if they really need to align — any complicated theory will do, whether it’s a ‘star chart,’ a sharp turn in the lifeline, or the Nasdaq index). So, when I realize I’ve met my soulmate and check if we’re compatible (I’ll need to find out where and when he was born), then I’ll say ‘yes.’ Not a minute sooner.”

5) Joke About It — It’s Annoying!

• “Oh my gosh, how much did you spend on that dress?”
  “I had to starve for two weeks, but what won’t you do for fashion!”

Universal Responses

• “I admire your ability to ask questions that really stump people!”
• “You’re a wonderful woman (or man), you know what’s always amazed me about you? Your talent for asking inappropriate (difficult, rhetorical) questions!”
• “I’ll be happy to answer your question, but first, can you tell me why you’re so interested?”
• “What’s your reason for asking?”
• “Do you really want to talk about this?” If they say “Yes,” confidently reply, “Well, I don’t,” and smile.
• If you don’t want to have anything more to do with someone who asks tactless questions, you can be a bit more direct: “That’s none of your business.”