How to Stop Being a Victim

By taking responsibility for our actions, we can change our lives. But how do we do that? Proactive thinking can help. Business coach John Miller believes that each of us can develop this mindset and learn to take personal responsibility for what happens around us.

We constantly encounter blame-shifting and often don’t even notice when we do it ourselves. But you can’t achieve success this way. A few examples from John Miller’s life show exactly how to take responsibility and what it brings.

Personal Responsibility

I stopped at a gas station to grab some coffee, but the coffee pot was empty. I asked the cashier, but he just pointed and said, “That’s another department’s responsibility.”

You can probably recall a dozen similar stories from your own life:

• “The store administration is not responsible for items left in lockers.”
• “I can’t get a good job because I don’t have connections.”
• “Talented people never get a chance to succeed.”
• “Managers get million-dollar bonuses, but I haven’t received a single bonus in five years.”

All of these are signs of underdeveloped personal responsibility. You’ll find far fewer examples of the opposite: great service, help in a tough situation, or a problem solved quickly.

Once, I rushed into a restaurant for a quick bite. I was short on time, and the place was packed. A waiter hurried by with a tray full of dirty dishes and asked:

“Sir, have you been helped?”
“No, but I’m in a hurry. I’d like a salad, some sushi, and a diet cola.”
“We don’t have diet cola.”
“Then water with lemon.”

Soon, I got my order, and a minute later, a diet cola. Jacob (the waiter) had sent his manager to the store to get it since he didn’t have time himself.

The average employee may not always be able to provide exceptional service, but proactive thinking is available to everyone. All it takes is to stop being afraid of taking responsibility and to put your heart into your work. Proactive thinking pays off. A couple of months later, I returned to the restaurant and found out Jacob had been promoted.

Forbidden Questions

Replace complaint-questions with action-questions. This will help you develop personal responsibility and get rid of a victim mentality.

• Why does nobody love me?
• Why does nobody want to work?
• Why did this happen to me?

These questions are unproductive because they don’t lead to solutions. They only show that the person asking them feels like a victim of circumstances and can’t change anything. Miller actually recommends getting rid of “why” questions altogether.

There are two more types of “wrong” questions: “who” and “when.”

• Who is responsible for this?
• When will the roads in my neighborhood be fixed?

In the first case, we shift responsibility to another department, employee, or manager, and get stuck in a cycle of blame. In the second, we imply that all we can do is wait.

For example, a journalist sends a request to a press office by fax and waits for a reply. A day or two passes. He’s too lazy to call, but the article deadline is approaching. When he finally calls, he gets a friendly response and the answer by morning. It took three minutes, but the journalist delayed his work by four days.

The Right Questions

“Right” questions start with “What?” and “How?”

• What can I do to change the situation?
• How can I make the client loyal?
• How can I work more efficiently?
• What do I need to learn to bring more value to the company?

If a wrong question shows a person’s inability to change anything, the right questions encourage action and foster proactive thinking.

“Why does this happen to me?” doesn’t require an answer. It’s more of a complaint than a question. “Why did this happen?” helps you understand the reasons.

If you look closely at “wrong” questions, you’ll see that almost all of them are rhetorical. The conclusion: rhetorical questions are harmful.

Collective Responsibility

There’s no such thing as collective responsibility—it’s an oxymoron. If a customer has a complaint, someone has to answer for it. Physically, all employees can’t line up in front of an unhappy customer and respond together.

Suppose you want to get a loan at a bank. You go to a branch, sign all the documents, and wait for the result. But something goes wrong, and the bank doesn’t inform you of their decision. You need the money quickly, so you go to the office to sort it out. It turns out your documents were lost. You don’t care who’s to blame—you just want the problem solved quickly.

A bank employee listens to your complaint, sincerely apologizes even though it’s not their fault, runs from one department to another, and after a couple of hours comes back with a positive solution. Collective responsibility is really personal responsibility in its purest form. It’s the courage to take the hit for the whole team and deal with difficulties.

There’s no such thing as collective responsibility. If a customer has a complaint, someone has to answer for it.

The story with Jacob the waiter is a great example of collective responsibility. The company’s goal is to treat every customer with care. Both the waiter and the manager followed this principle.

Think about what your direct supervisor would say if you sent them to get a Coke for a customer. If they’re not willing to do that, they shouldn’t be teaching employees about the company’s mission.

The Theory of Small Deeds

We’re often dissatisfied with what’s happening around us: officials take bribes, the yard isn’t well-kept, a neighbor parks so you can’t get by. We constantly want to change other people. But personal responsibility starts with us. It’s a simple truth: when we change ourselves, the world and people around us start to change too, often without us noticing.

I once heard a story about an old lady. Teenagers would often gather in her building’s entryway, drinking beer, littering, and making noise. The old lady didn’t threaten them with the police or try to kick them out. She had a lot of books at home, so she started putting them out on the windowsill in the entryway where the teens hung out. At first, they laughed at her. Gradually, they got used to the books and started reading them. They became friends with the old lady and began asking her for more books.

Change won’t happen quickly, but it’s worth being patient for.