How to Communicate with People Overwhelmed by Emotions: The Active Listening Technique

Empathic listening can help you connect with people who are under the influence of strong emotions. This means listening from heart to heart—active listening in a more “feminine” style, focused on feelings and relationships.

Example Scenario

Imagine someone is upset and silent. You can tell they’re hurt, even though they’re not saying anything. You gently say, “Are you upset with me?” They reply, “No,” but in an irritated tone. What should you do next?

• You might carefully say, “You say you’re not upset because you don’t want to argue with me.”
• Or, “Your voice sounds angry. Maybe I was wrong about something.”
• Sometimes, you can gently suggest, “You’re unhappy because…”
• Or simply repeat their words with a pause: “Not upset…”

If you speak softly and the other person wants to talk, this can open up communication.

Empathic Listening and Reason

It’s a mistake to think empathic listening doesn’t involve the mind. In fact, a good head, experience, and wisdom make empathic listening deeper. Many things people call “feelings” are actually quite intellectual when you look closer.

How to Develop Active Listening

• Develop internal activity through thoughtfulness and empathy.
• Develop external activity by learning the right listening cues and signals.

When to Use Empathic Listening

It’s important to understand when empathic listening is appropriate and its limitations. Since most psychologists are women, they often practice and teach the “feminine” model of active, empathic listening. When psychologists teach parents how to connect with children and teens, they usually pass on this empathic style.

This approach is reasonable and effective in many cases. However, using this model in communication with men or in business settings can be a mistake—it may lead to misunderstanding or even resistance. Men at work usually want to discuss facts, not feelings.

Potential Downsides of Empathic Listening

Empathic listening acts as positive reinforcement for current behavior. If you use it in response to anger, hurt, or other negative emotions, you may be reinforcing those feelings in the long run, even if you help resolve them in the moment.

When Empathic Listening Is Most Helpful

• With people who are set in their ways, like the elderly—it can be a lifesaver.
• With young children who are still learning—it helps both you and the child.
• In crisis situations, when someone is extremely upset and needs urgent help—empathic listening can be crucial.
• When you simply need to get someone talking—it’s a useful tool.

However, it’s not a good idea to encourage your loved ones to complain, get angry, or sulk. Don’t reinforce these behaviors, including through attentive empathic listening.

A Word of Caution

In some ways, empathic listening is like giving a tired man a shot of vodka: it relieves stress, helps people connect, and can be great on special occasions. But making it a daily habit or a way of life isn’t healthy.