How to Communicate with People Who Always Play the Victim

Life’s challenges are supposed to make us stronger—or at least, that’s what many religions and philosophies claim. The idea is that by overcoming difficulties, we grow, gain valuable knowledge, and become “better” people. However, some individuals get stuck in their struggles: they’re constantly dissatisfied, unhappy, and sad. For them, everything is always going wrong, and even when things are good, it feels like a fluke that won’t last. So, how should you interact with people who always think everything is bad?

Why Do Some People Always See Themselves as Victims?

How should you communicate with such people? Why do they behave this way? Should you feel sorry for them and try to understand? Is it possible to “change” them or show them a brighter future?

Here are some common behavioral patterns I’ve noticed through conversations and therapy:

1. Manipulation to Confirm “Everything Is Bad”

Have you ever met someone who turns every friendly get-together into a dark, hopeless conversation? At first, your friend might reluctantly share their problems, but soon the emotions escalate, and you hear, “There’s no way out.” This happens every time you meet. Eventually, you start to feel that something’s off. No matter what solutions you suggest, they immediately say, “No.” Phrases like, “You don’t understand,” “I’ve tried that before,” or “That won’t help,” keep coming up, and you find yourself wanting to escape. Often, your friend will notice your discomfort and say, “Oh, I’m sorry for burdening you,” which triggers guilt for your “unworthy” thoughts.

Why does this happen? Most of the time, this person is unconsciously seeking attention and permission to remain inactive. Deep down, they know they’re not doing anything to change their life, and solving their problems would require too much effort. After talking to you and getting confirmation that “things really are bad,” they can go home and continue living as before, guilt-free. Meanwhile, they’ve unloaded their negativity onto you, “recharged” their energy, and can carry on just fine.

2. Manipulation for Self-Validation

This type of person asks about your life, and when you share a success or something positive, they respond with, “See how lucky you are,” “You always get help,” “Look at your husband (wife, friend, parent),” or “You’re so lucky to have a home (job, car, etc.).” Suddenly, you feel guilty—but for what? After these conversations, you become afraid to share your life and start focusing on your own problems just to avoid standing out.

Why does this happen? Again, usually unconsciously, this person wants to show you that your achievements are undeserved. This reinforces their belief in “global injustice” and allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their own life and choices.

3. The “Bad Person” Manipulator

This person is often quite intelligent and doesn’t openly present themselves as a victim—in fact, they might get offended if you suggest it. In conversation, they respond to any comment or request with, “I’m just a bad person, what do you expect from me?” In relationships, they might say, “Nothing will work out with me, I’m broken,” “See, now you’re upset—I told you so,” “I’m better off alone, no one could love someone like me,” or “I’m not normal.” You immediately try to reassure them: “No, you’re just misunderstood,” “Your ex was the problem, not you,” “I can understand you.”

Why does this happen? This person often sees themselves as a victim of unlucky love, circumstances, or bad parenting. They don’t openly seek pity and may react aggressively to sympathy, but they constantly repeat that they’re “bad.” This way, they get confirmation of their uniqueness and specialness, and again, avoid responsibility for relationships. After all, they warned you they were “bad”—so it’s your fault for getting involved. In a way, they’re right: they did warn you.

How Should You Respond to People Who Always Play the Victim?

If you’re interacting with a “victim,” you’re taking on the role of “rescuer,” while society, life, or circumstances become the “persecutor.”

To resolve the situation, it’s important to recognize your role and be willing to step out of this dynamic. Your “rescuer” position often turns you into a victim of the same person, as their manipulations drain your confidence, energy, or self-respect.

If you’re ready to stop playing these games, ask yourself:

• Why do I need this person in my life?
• What do I get from this relationship?
• How would I like to communicate with this person?
• Is it possible to change the way we interact?
• Am I willing to spend my energy solving someone else’s problems?
• Why do I feel the need to listen to their story?

The key in these interactions is honesty with yourself. Only by admitting your own “rescuer” tendencies can you step out of the role and free yourself from the pattern.

Do You Have to End the Relationship?

What if this person is a close relative or partner? It’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for another adult’s life—unless it’s your child under 18. Everyone has their own life path, and you can’t solve their problems for them, even if you think you know best.

If you can’t avoid interacting with them, try asking direct questions:

• How can I help you—specifically?
• What are you willing to do yourself?

Remember, our life is our choice, and we—and only we—are responsible for it.