The Art of Communication: What You Need to Know About Manipulation

In our interactions with others, people often use manipulative techniques without even realizing it, especially when they want to achieve something from someone else.

Manipulation is a covert psychological influence on a communication partner, aimed at getting them to behave in a way that benefits the manipulator.

The Power of Manipulation

The strength of manipulative influence lies in the fact that it:

• Is done secretly – both the fact of the influence and its goal are hidden. The outward meaning of the words usually seems innocent and doesn’t appear to infringe on the other person’s needs. However, the underlying meaning leads the person to do what the manipulator wants, making it seem like their own choice. In reality, they are gently guided to this decision, which is neither free nor conscious.
• Targets psychological vulnerabilities – these can include personality traits, habits, stereotypes, desires, flaws, or even strengths—anything that tends to trigger automatic, unconscious responses.

  Example of manipulation in sales: In a store, a customer hesitates between cheaper and more expensive items.

  Salesperson: “This model is better, but it’s probably too expensive for you.”

  Customer: “That’s the one I’ll take.”

  On the surface, the salesperson simply states facts: the item’s high quality and the customer’s limited budget. The hidden meaning is an appeal to the customer’s desire to appear respectable, at least in front of the salesperson (and thus, to themselves). The customer buys the expensive item, boosting their ego and feeling like they’ve proven something.

• Is usually reinforced by techniques that increase the recipient’s overall susceptibility – such as putting them in a certain emotional state, limiting their time to think, or removing their options.

  (At this level, emotional blackmail—tears, tantrums—or threats like “If you don’t come, you’re not my friend anymore” are often used. Phrases like “Only you can help me” also leave no room for choice.)

Is Manipulation Good or Bad?

This raises the question: “How should we judge manipulation? Is it good or bad? Should we use it or avoid it?” In reality, manipulation is neither inherently good nor bad. It’s a neutral phenomenon—a tool that can be used for various purposes.

If you encounter manipulation, you can assess the situation using two criteria:

1. The manipulator’s motive and desired outcome. If their goal is not just personal gain but also your well-being, it may deserve at least some understanding, if not approval.

   For example, parents often manipulate their children—by any means necessary—to get them to go to bed on time, exercise, or attend school. They do this not just for themselves, but for their child’s future benefit, which the child may not yet appreciate.

2. Whether the hidden motive is truly hidden. Sometimes, the real motive isn’t concealed, and the target of manipulation has a genuine, not imposed, choice. People may speak figuratively rather than directly, but if the recipient understands what’s going on and consciously chooses to participate (or not), it’s not really manipulation.

   For example, American writer and psychotherapist Eric Berne gives this example of a flirting “game”:

   Cowboy: “Would you like to see the stables?”

   Girl: “Oh, I’ve loved stables since I was a child!”

   Although they’re talking about stables, both understand the real meaning. The girl, choosing the “tour,” knows what’s implied. Since she understands and isn’t being forced, she consciously enters the game—so there’s nothing wrong with it.

How to Resist Manipulation: The “Broken Record” Technique

There’s a simple method to help you resist even the most persistent manipulation. It’s called the “broken record” technique because you repeat the same words over and over, like a stuck record.

Here are three steps to using the “broken record” technique:

1. If you don’t understand the other person, ask for details.
2. Once their position is clear, acknowledge the truth or agree that they have the right to their opinion.
3. Explain that you don’t want to do what they’re pushing you to do.

If you’ve gone through all three steps and the other person still insists, start the “broken record” technique—keep agreeing with them, but calmly repeat, in the same words, that you’re not going to do what they’re asking. No one can withstand this repetition for long, and your conversation partner will likely give up trying to manipulate you.

Assertiveness: The Key to Standing Up to Manipulation

The ability to stand up to manipulation with dignity is called assertiveness. Assertive people can make their own decisions and take responsibility for the consequences. They don’t give in to manipulation and know how to say “no.”

There are ten “assertiveness commandments,” sometimes called assertive rights. The core belief is that no one can successfully manipulate us unless we allow it:

• You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their consequences.
• You have the right to offer no explanations or justifications for your behavior.
• You have the right to decide whether and to what extent you are responsible for others.
• You have the right to change your mind.
• You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
• You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
• You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others.
• You have the right to make illogical decisions.
• You have the right to say, “I don’t understand you.”
• You have the right to say, “No, thank you.”

But if you look closely, we all live in a world of manipulation. There’s no need to fear it—instead, learn to recognize it and use your knowledge for your own benefit and the benefit of others. Manipulation is just one part of communication.