Overt and Covert Threats

Narcissists and other destructive personalities feel extremely uncomfortable when their belief that the world owes them, their false sense of superiority, or their massive ego is challenged. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others—and punish you for not meeting their unattainable expectations. Instead of maturely resolving disagreements and seeking compromise, they try to strip you of your right to your own opinion, training you to fear the consequences of any disagreement or failure to comply. Any disagreement is met with an ultimatum: “Do this, or else I’ll do that.”

If, when you try to set boundaries or express a different opinion, you’re met with a commanding tone and threats—whether veiled hints or explicit promises of punishment—it’s a clear sign you’re dealing with someone who believes the world owes them and will never compromise. Take threats seriously: document them if possible and report them to the appropriate authorities.

Insults

Narcissists preemptively blow things out of proportion at the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their minds, only they are ever right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise inflicts a narcissistic injury, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in their own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.

At their worst, narcissists resort to insults when they can’t otherwise influence your opinions or emotions. Insults are a quick way to hurt, humiliate, and mock your intelligence, appearance, or behavior, while denying you the right to your own opinion. They may also use insults to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A well-reasoned point or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes “ridiculous” or “stupid” in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels threatened but can’t argue back on substance.

Unable to attack your arguments, the narcissist attacks you personally, trying to undermine your credibility and question your intelligence. As soon as insults start, it’s important to end the conversation and make it clear you won’t tolerate such behavior. Don’t take it personally: they resort to insults only because they don’t know any other way to get their point across.

“Training”

Destructive people condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. They make offhanded derogatory remarks about qualities they once admired in you and sabotage your goals, ruin your holidays, vacations, and weekends. They may even isolate you from friends and family and make you financially dependent on them. Like Pavlov’s dogs, you’re essentially “trained” to fear doing anything that once made your life fulfilling.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and other destructive personalities do this to draw all attention to themselves and how you can meet their needs. If anything threatens their total control over your life, they try to eliminate it. They need to be the center of attention at all times. During the idealization phase, you were the center of the narcissist’s world—now the narcissist must be the center of yours.

Additionally, narcissists are pathologically jealous and can’t stand the thought of anything shielding you from their influence. Your happiness represents everything they lack in their emotionally barren existence. After all, if you find respect, love, and support from someone healthy, what’s to stop you from leaving them?

In the hands of a destructive person, “training” is an effective way to keep you walking on eggshells and always stopping short of your dreams.

Slander and Stalking

When destructive people can’t control how you see yourself, they start controlling how others see you; they play the martyr, painting you as the destructive one. Slander and gossip are preemptive strikes meant to destroy your reputation and support system in case you decide to leave. They may even stalk or harass you or your acquaintances under the guise of “exposing” you—really just a way to hide their own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.

Sometimes gossip pits two or even entire groups of people against each other. Victims in destructive relationships with narcissists often don’t know what’s being said about them until the relationship ends, but the truth usually comes out eventually.

Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and to your face), spread nasty rumors to your friends or theirs, paint you as the aggressor and themselves as the victim, and accuse you of exactly what they fear you’ll accuse them of. They’ll also methodically and deliberately hurt you, then use your reactions as “proof” that they’re the real victim in the relationship.

The best way to counter slander is to keep your composure and stick to the facts. This is especially important in contentious divorces with narcissists, who may provoke you just to use your reactions against you. Document any harassment, intimidation, or insults (including online), and try to communicate only through your attorney. If you’re being stalked or threatened, contact law enforcement and find a lawyer familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for themselves as the narcissist’s mask begins to slip.

Love Bombing and Devaluation

Destructive people put you through a phase of idealization until you take the bait and start a friendship or romantic relationship with them. Then they begin to devalue you, showing contempt for everything that initially attracted them to you. Another common scenario is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal while aggressively devaluing and humiliating someone else who threatens their sense of superiority.

Narcissists do this constantly: they badmouth their exes to new partners, and eventually treat the new ones with the same disdain. In the end, every partner of a narcissist experiences the same treatment as the previous ones. In such relationships, you’ll inevitably become the next “ex” they trash-talk to their next partner—you just don’t know it yet.

So, beware of love bombing if your partner’s behavior toward others sharply contrasts with the sickly sweetness they show you. As personal growth coach Wendy Powell advises, a good way to resist love bombing from someone who seems potentially destructive is to take things slow. Remember: how someone talks about others may predict how they’ll treat you one day.

Preemptive Defense

If someone goes out of their way to emphasize that they’re a “good guy” or “good girl,” immediately tells you to “trust them,” or suddenly assures you of their honesty—be cautious. Destructive and abusive personalities exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you to trust them without first building a solid foundation for that trust.

They may skillfully “mask” themselves, displaying high levels of empathy and compassion at the start of your relationship, only to reveal their true nature later. When the abuse cycle reaches the devaluation stage, the mask slips, and you see their real self: cold, callous, and dismissive.

Truly good people rarely need to constantly brag about their positive qualities—they radiate warmth rather than talk about it, and know that actions speak louder than words. They understand that trust and respect are two-way streets, requiring reciprocity, not constant persuasion.

To counter preemptive defense, ask yourself why the person is emphasizing their good qualities. Is it because they think you don’t trust them—or because they know they’re not trustworthy? Judge by actions, not empty words; actions will tell you if the person is who they claim to be.

Triangulation

Referring to the opinion, viewpoint, or threat of involving a third party in your interactions is called “triangulation.” This common tactic is used to assert the destructive person’s correctness and devalue the victim’s reactions, often leading to love triangles where you feel defenseless and off-balance.

Narcissists love to triangulate their partner with strangers, coworkers, exes, friends, and even family members to provoke jealousy and insecurity. They also use others’ opinions to validate their own. This maneuver is meant to distract you from the psychological abuse and present the narcissist as a popular, desirable person. Plus, you start doubting yourself: “If Mary agrees with Tom, maybe I really am wrong?” In reality, narcissists love to “relay” nasty things supposedly said about you by others, even as they gossip about you behind your back.

To counter triangulation, remember: whoever the narcissist is triangulating you with is also being triangulated with you. The narcissist is running all the roles. Respond with your own “triangulation”—find support from a third party outside their influence, and remember that your perspective matters too.

Baiting and Playing Innocent

Destructive personalities create a false sense of security to make it easier to show their cruelty. If such a person draws you into a pointless, random argument, it quickly escalates because they have no sense of respect. A minor disagreement may be bait, and even if you start out polite, you’ll soon realize they’re driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you.

By “baiting” you with an innocent-seeming comment disguised as a rational point, they start to play with you. Remember: narcissists know your weaknesses, the phrases that undermine your confidence, and the sore spots that reopen old wounds—and they use this knowledge to provoke you.

Once you take the bait, the narcissist calms down and innocently asks if you’re “okay,” insisting they “didn’t mean” to upset you. This feigned innocence catches you off guard and makes you believe they didn’t intend to hurt you—until it happens so often you can’t deny their obvious malice.

It’s best to recognize baiting early and end the interaction as soon as possible. Common baiting tactics include provocative statements, insults, hurtful accusations, or baseless generalizations. Trust your intuition: if something feels “off” and that feeling doesn’t go away even after the person explains, it may be a sign to pause and reflect before responding.

Boundary Testing and the Hoovering Tactic

Narcissists, sociopaths, and other destructive personalities constantly test your boundaries to see which ones they can violate. The more they get away with, the further they’ll go. That’s why people who’ve experienced emotional or physical abuse often face even worse treatment each time they return to their abuser.

Abusers often use the “hoovering” tactic, sucking their victim back in with sweet promises, fake apologies, and empty words about changing—only to subject them to new abuse. In the abuser’s mind, this boundary testing serves as punishment for resisting abuse and for returning to them. When a narcissist tries to “start over,” reinforce your boundaries even more—don’t back down.

Remember: manipulators don’t respond to empathy or compassion. They only respond to consequences.

Aggressive Jabs Disguised as Jokes

Covert narcissists love to say nasty things to you, passing them off as “just jokes” so they can make hurtful comments while maintaining an innocent demeanor. If you get upset by their rude remarks, they accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. This is a common tactic in verbal abuse.

The manipulator’s contemptuous smirk and sadistic glint in their eye give them away: like a predator toying with prey, they enjoy hurting you with impunity. “It’s just a joke,” right? Wrong. It’s a way to convince you that their insults are harmless and to shift the conversation from their cruelty to your supposed oversensitivity. In these cases, it’s important to stand your ground and make it clear you won’t tolerate such treatment.

If you call out the manipulator on these covert insults, they may resort to gaslighting, but keep insisting that their behavior is unacceptable—and if that doesn’t work, cut off contact.

Condescending Sarcasm and Patronizing Tone

Belittling and humiliating others is a destructive person’s specialty, and tone of voice is just one tool in their arsenal. Sarcastic banter can be fun when it’s mutual, but a narcissist uses sarcasm solely to manipulate and demean. If you’re hurt by it, you’re “too sensitive.” Never mind that they throw tantrums whenever anyone dares criticize their inflated ego—it’s always the victim who’s “oversensitive.”

When you’re constantly treated like a child and every statement is challenged, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings. This self-censorship saves the abuser from having to silence you—you do it yourself.

When faced with condescending behavior or a patronizing tone, call it out clearly and directly. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like a child, and you’re not obligated to stay silent for someone’s ego trip.

Shaming

“How can you not be ashamed?” is a favorite phrase of destructive people. While you might hear it from normal people too, in the mouth of a narcissist or psychopath, shaming is a powerful way to suppress any views or actions that threaten their absolute control.

It’s also used to destroy and nullify the victim’s self-worth: if the victim dares to feel proud of something, making them feel ashamed of that trait, quality, or achievement can lower their self-esteem and kill any pride at the root. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even make you feel ashamed of the abuse or trauma you’ve suffered, inflicting new psychological harm.

If you experienced childhood abuse, a narcissist or sociopath will try to convince you that you somehow deserved it, or brag about their own happy childhood to make you feel inadequate and worthless. What better way to hurt you than to pick at old wounds? Like a reverse doctor, the destructive person tries to deepen your wounds, not heal them.

If you suspect you’re dealing with a destructive person, try to hide your vulnerabilities or past traumas from them. Until they prove themselves trustworthy, don’t share information that could be used against you later.

Control

Most importantly, destructive people seek to control you by any means possible. They isolate you, control your finances and social circle, and manage every aspect of your life. But their most powerful tool is playing on your emotions.

That’s why narcissists and sociopaths create conflict out of nowhere, just to make you feel insecure and unstable. That’s why they constantly argue over trivial things and get angry at the slightest provocation. That’s why they emotionally withdraw, then suddenly idealize you again when they feel they’re losing control. That’s why they oscillate between their true and false selves, leaving you never feeling psychologically safe, unable to figure out who your partner really is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the harder it is for you to trust your feelings and realize you’re a victim of psychological abuse. By learning about manipulative tactics and how they undermine your self-confidence, you can recognize what you’re dealing with and at least try to regain control over your life and keep your distance from destructive people.