Emotional Blackmail

If you don’t feel guilty, the blackmailer is powerless.

Many of us live as if there were an 11th commandment: “Do not get angry,” and a 12th: “Do not anger your neighbor,” says Susan Forward, author of the book Emotional Blackmail. And that’s how we fall into the trap of emotional blackmailers.

Susan explains how to deal with undeserved guilt, discomfort, and pain that arise from the toxic psychological pressure of others.

Key Points About Emotional Blackmail

1. No one who is at peace with themselves needs to control other people.
2. Blackmail is a way to control a situation and, as a result, feel confident.
3. Emotional blackmail is only effective if we let others know where our vulnerable spots are and react painfully when they are touched.
4. It’s easier for us to believe criticism than praise. A single hurtful remark can have more impact than twenty compliments. We perceive criticism more sharply and attentively than praise, thinking it’s more truthful and sincere.

For this reason, even the most confident woman can be thrown off balance by her partner’s negative comments about her appearance, her behavior in bed, or comparisons with other women.

5. Negative comparisons make us feel inadequate. We think we’re not as good, loyal, or hardworking as someone else, and immediately feel anxious and guilty. This anxiety can make us give in to the blackmailer just to prove them wrong.
6. The emotional blackmailer knows how much we value our relationship with them. They see our weaknesses and secrets. Regardless of how much they love us, they use this knowledge to get what they want: our submission.
7. Blackmailers build their conscious and unconscious strategies on information about our fears that we provide. They notice what scares us, what makes us nervous, and what words or actions we instinctively react to.
8. Blackmailers are skilled at disguising psychological pressure, and often we experience it in such a way that we later doubt our own perception of reality.
9. Why do so many reasonable, capable people get lost when faced with behavior that seems so obvious? One main reason is that the blackmailer does everything possible to keep us from realizing we’re being manipulated.
10. The unpleasant truth is that giving in to a blackmailer’s demands encourages them, and every time we help them get their way—consciously or unconsciously—we clearly show them they can do it again in the future.
11. “Martyrs” may seem weak, but in reality, they are quiet tyrants. They don’t yell or make scenes, but their behavior causes us pain, confusion, and hostility. These blackmailers are truly talented at making you feel completely responsible for what happens to them.
12. Love and respect for the blackmailer are equated with total submission, and if they don’t get it, they portray the situation as betrayal.
13. Understanding and compassion won’t help if you’re facing emotional blackmail. In fact, these feelings only push the blackmailer to act more decisively.
14. In addition to distorting your perception, many blackmailers increase the pressure by making you doubt your qualities, motives, and worth.
15. Blackmailers believe conflicts arise from our mistakes and instability, while seeing themselves as wise people acting out of good intentions. Simply put, we’re the bad guys, and they’re the good ones.
16. The blackmailer will insist, pulling quotes, comments, and teachings from various sources out of context to prove there’s only one truth—and it’s theirs.
17. Emotional blackmailers often accuse us of being unable to love or maintain friendships simply because we don’t want the level of closeness with lovers or friends that they demand.

This type of accusation about our inadequacy is a vulnerable spot for many of us, especially if we see intimate relationships as a litmus test for our mental health. Although blackmailers exaggerate when they claim relationships failed because we’re “sick” or “defective,” such statements hit the mark and are often effective.

18. Manipulation becomes emotional blackmail when it’s used constantly to force us to give in to the blackmailer’s demands at the expense of our own desires and well-being.
19. No matter the blackmailer’s style, they apply pressure—even if it’s hidden—under the guise of good intentions.
20. The price of surrendering to a blackmailer is enormous. Their words and actions throw us off balance, leaving us with shame and guilt.

We realize we need to change the situation and constantly promise ourselves to do so, but once again, we fall for tricks, deception, or the trap. We start doubting our ability to keep promises and lose confidence. Our self-esteem drops. But perhaps worst of all, every surrender to emotional blackmail destroys our integrity—the inner compass that helps us determine our values and behavior.

Although emotional blackmail isn’t a serious crime, never forget that the stakes are high. If we tolerate emotional blackmail, it eats away at us from the inside and threatens our most important relationships and our sense of self-respect.