Emotional Resilience

Conflicts often escalate rather than resolve due to emotionally charged arguments. The tone of the conversation can undermine any chance for constructive dialogue. While all parties involved in a conflict experience emotional tension, this is not a reason to raise your voice, use harsh language, or be categorical and uncompromising.

The most important aspect of conflict is emotional control: maintaining an even tone, being precise and measured in your statements, and carefully choosing your words. Make sure not to show even a hint of irritation outwardly.

It’s easy to lose your cool if one side makes baseless accusations, unreasonable demands, or resorts to insults. Emotions can prevent you from understanding what is really motivating the other person’s behavior.

Action Plan for Emotional Control

1. If someone’s reaction is unreasonable or illogical, shift your focus away from judging their behavior emotionally. Instead, ask yourself: what deeper issues or needs might this reflect? You may not care why they’re acting out, but this shift helps you look for rational reasons behind their “interesting” behavior and engages your logic.
2. Try to see the situation from their perspective: how might they view it, and what might they think about your role in it?
3. See yourself through their eyes: is it possible you did something that upset them, or that they’re angry due to a misunderstanding? If you avoid getting caught up in negative emotions and instead analyze your opponent’s emotional reactions, you’ll regain control over your own emotions more easily.

Rules for Emotional Control in Communication

1. Keep arguments impersonal: don’t let complaints turn into name-calling or insults.
2. Don’t judge a person’s entire character based on one trait or a single incident. Anyone can lose their temper.
3. Give the other person a chance to express their point of view, especially about the painful aspects of the problem. Don’t interrupt them. Let them speak as long as they need to.
4. Look for areas where you can agree. This helps steer the conflict toward a constructive outcome.
5. Before you start clarifying the relationship, decide what you want in the long run: to prove you’re right at the cost of damaging or ending the relationship, or to preserve the possibility of communicating after the conflict.
6. Base your arguments on concrete facts, not just someone’s opinion (even if it’s authoritative).
7. Maintain eye contact, as it encourages both parties to choose their words carefully. However, don’t stare aggressively, as this can provoke a fight. Don’t unnecessarily change the physical distance between you; position yourself at a slight angle rather than directly opposite.
8. Don’t initiate contact while your opponent is busy with other matters. If they have to set aside their tasks to address the issue with you, they’ll subconsciously respect you more as a strong individual, which can work in your favor and act as a restraining factor for them.
9. Stay focused on your main point throughout the conversation. Don’t try to resolve every issue in one discussion.
10. Don’t provoke your opponent into immediately defending themselves or searching for counterarguments. Avoid starting with the most painful or difficult issues. Psychologically, this is a mistake.
11. In conflict, focus on the content of what’s being said, not the form. What is said matters more than how it’s said.
12. Ask more clarifying questions. This shows you want to understand the reasons for the misunderstanding, not just argue.
13. If your opponent is right, acknowledge it immediately and fully.
14. First respond to their arguments, then present your own. This creates a true dialogue.
15. Consider your opponent’s personality: match your pace of argumentation to their temperament. Don’t speak quickly to someone who processes slowly, and don’t speak slowly to someone who is impulsive.
16. Use more evidence-based arguments rather than just counterarguments. The first approach justifies your views and builds logical conclusions; the second only refutes your opponent’s views.
17. Use simple, precise, and clear terms. Don’t confuse anyone with complex phrases or obscure terminology.
18. Make sure your arguments and facts are reliable and easily verifiable.
19. Remember: being overly persuasive can provoke resistance, while one or two precise arguments are often enough to make your point.
20. Stay on topic, don’t take phrases out of context, and stop your opponent from doing so as well.
21. Monitor your breathing and muscle tension. In the most unpleasant moments, stay as relaxed as possible and breathe deeply and calmly. This will prevent your opponent from dragging you into a scandal, no matter how hard they try.

These are simple and effective ways to reduce growing emotional tension in a conflict and demonstrate emotional resilience.