What Is “Deferred Life Syndrome”?
The term “deferred life syndrome” (also known as “deferred life neurosis”) was introduced by Doctor of Psychology, Professor V. P. Serkin in 1997. He studied the psychological attitudes of people living in the North who spent years waiting to move elsewhere.
The essence of the syndrome is that a person lives dreaming about the future. In the present, they simply exist, waiting for a wonderful life that is supposed to begin after a certain moment, the so-called point X. Thoughts like, “Once I move to a new place, then I’ll really start living!”, “When I meet the right man, then I’ll be happy,” or “Once I get another degree, then I can relax and enjoy life,” are all examples of deferred life syndrome. In each case, there’s an illusory idea that happiness will come only after a specific event.
The trap is that a person doesn’t allow themselves to live in the present. They don’t enjoy the process, take pleasure in small things, or appreciate the relationships they have right now. Instead, they anxiously wait for a turning point to start living, devaluing everything they already possess. As a result, they constantly feel dissatisfied, emotionally hungry, and unhappy with themselves and the world. This often leads to depression or depressive states.
Why Does This Happen?
First, our society is achievement-oriented. We all live in a race to be “higher, faster, stronger.” There are invented ideals we’re supposed to live up to. To step out of this race, you need to pause and ask yourself: What am I doing right now? For whom? What do I really want?
Second, we often hear messages from our parents like, “First finish college, then you can think about boys/girls,” “First get a good job, then start a family,” or “Don’t use that dinnerware, it’s for a special occasion.” From childhood, we’re given a life script with a set sequence, where you can’t get what you want right away. First, you have to overcome challenges and suffer a bit.
Third, a person may simply not be ready to let the good things they desire into their life. Consciously, they truly want it, but subconsciously, they’re afraid of change because nothing is certain. They’ve spent their whole life in waiting mode, and don’t know how to live with a sense of abundance and satisfaction—there’s no experience to draw from. Anything new, even if it’s desired, brings anxiety because of the unknown.
What Can You Do Right Now?
- Don’t deny yourself small pleasures. Life is not a rehearsal.
- Don’t save things for a special occasion. Use them whenever you feel like it.
- Shift your focus from the result to the process. When we eat ice cream, we enjoy it in the moment. Life itself is a process.
- Tell yourself, “I’m allowed!” You don’t have to wait for the weekend or vacation, you don’t have to strive for perfection, and you don’t have to meet your parents’ expectations. You can be who you are and do what you want right now.